Madhatters - We have R'd.
I wrote so many of these posts in the months that followed Dday. My husband kept everything inside and seemed to want to rugsweep. I was desperate to help him, get him to open up and share his feelings so I could support him and help him heal.
Your tag line says it all... Doing everything you can to R. This shouldn't be your focus, it should read 'Doing everything thing I can to fix my shit'. If R comes because of that then that's great but you need to let go of the outcome.
I know how hard that is, I struggled MASSIVELY with it for a long, long time. It was truly the hardest thing for me. But you have to realise that you can't make him open up to you, he doesn't trust you with his feelings and you have to be ok with that right now.
He's lashing out, getting angry and shouting? That's not keeping it inside, he's expressing how much he's hurting. Of course everything you say is wrong during those outbursts, he can't hear you above his pain. He doesn't want you to be right, he wants to be validated, heard and supported. And if his version of support is giving him space to work it through and process it alone then that's what you need to do.
You heal you.
He heals him.
You both heal the marriage.
Be supportive of each others healing though, really listen to him.
Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. We can do this.