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BH trying to keep it all inside

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Lostcat posted 7/31/2014 17:49 PM

I don't know what to do. BH is not talking about he A or R or anything. He won't go to MC anymore as he says it's down to me now (I'm in IC) and he stopped his IC as he said he's changed and he's totally fine now.

His IC told him to shut away the A in a box in his head. So that's what he's doing. He's not talking about it at all. He says he doesn't think about it. But as soon as we go for dinner or he has a couple of glasses of wine, it all comes exploding out in a burst of anger where everything I say or do is wrong and I am just someone who opened her legs and he wished he'd dumped me last year.

I just try and take these outbursts and deal with it (and he always says it's because I said something offensive or stupid. when I just know it's something that triggered him. Usually I can work out what the trigger was afterwards,) Maybe I don't have a right to think this, but I don't think compartmentalising my A is helping him! Surely he cannot process and deal with it with a view to R if he just shuts it away until it can no longer be contained? (Unfortunately it's often alcohol that let's it out.)

I do know that underneath the anger is hurt and fear and showing me those makes him vulnerable again. I really want to help him, I don't want to pretend it never happened and hope it will go away. When he's angry, I hate it, but I know it's my fault. I wish we could sometimes talk about things when he's not angry as well as having these angry outbursts.

What can I do? Can I help or do I just have to ride this out? Will it ever get better?

BrokenButTrying posted 7/31/2014 18:39 PM

I wrote so many of these posts in the months that followed Dday. My husband kept everything inside and seemed to want to rugsweep. I was desperate to help him, get him to open up and share his feelings so I could support him and help him heal.

Your tag line says it all... Doing everything you can to R. This shouldn't be your focus, it should read 'Doing everything thing I can to fix my shit'. If R comes because of that then that's great but you need to let go of the outcome.

I know how hard that is, I struggled MASSIVELY with it for a long, long time. It was truly the hardest thing for me. But you have to realise that you can't make him open up to you, he doesn't trust you with his feelings and you have to be ok with that right now.

He's lashing out, getting angry and shouting? That's not keeping it inside, he's expressing how much he's hurting. Of course everything you say is wrong during those outbursts, he can't hear you above his pain. He doesn't want you to be right, he wants to be validated, heard and supported. And if his version of support is giving him space to work it through and process it alone then that's what you need to do.

You heal you.
He heals him.
You both heal the marriage.

Be supportive of each others healing though, really listen to him.

steppingup posted 7/31/2014 18:51 PM

No stop sign.


His IC told him to shut away the A in a box in his head

I tried this and it only returned the favor by giving me 13 years of unceasing resentment and paying my WW back with minimized affection, etc.

Please ask him to see a new counselor. No matter how tough and capable your BS is, he needs to fully process this, then go back to IC say monthly to revisit his deep feeling and access constantly. Then go to every three months then as needed.

But please for both of your sakes dont end the IC for him now, no! Trust me.

Lostcat posted 8/4/2014 17:02 PM

Thanks for your replies. You're right I need to fix myself and let go of the outcome of whether we actually R or not. That is difficult but I'm concentrating on that. Also I think it's better if I don't drink more than a glass of wine. I cannot control how much BH drinks but I can definitely control what I say and how I respond to him when I haven't drunk anything myself

About the IC, I would love him to find a new IC or even go to his current one, but he refuses to talk about it with me.

william posted 8/4/2014 18:04 PM

The problem with shoving it in a box is that its still there ... festering away. I did that with my time in the USMC. But then the next big stress (my ww affairs) ripped that box open. Now I get to deal with both issues at once.
Sooner or later a stress will hit. That's life. It will maybe rip that box open, or maybe the stress after will. but sooner or later that box will be ripped open. Then he's up s creek w/o a paddle.
I speak from experience. What's he's doing isn't healthy and will come back to haunt him. He has to resolve this!

[This message edited by william at 8:15 AM, August 5th (Tuesday)]

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