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For those who have had more than one d-day

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million tears posted 7/31/2014 17:55 PM

Do you find yourself more numb to what happened the second or third (etc.) time around? I feel sometimes like I don't even care anymore. My WH didn't actually have A's but I still consider it cheating. I think I'm becoming immune.

katiescarlett posted 7/31/2014 17:59 PM

Yes. The first times I discovered his infidelities I was a mess. I remember vividly the shaking and nauseated feeling.

This D-day is different. It's like I've been waiting for the other shoe to drop. I didn't shake, or scream at him, or become a blubbery mess. I just felt numb and perhaps more apathetic should I should be.

solus sto posted 7/31/2014 18:15 PM

My immediate response was to leap directly to anger.

And then, yes---much more rapidly to numbness, not caring, and wanting to end the relationship.

That anyone would knowingly subject someone s/he purported to love to more than one d-day was really far more than I was willing to swallow.

simplydevastated posted 7/31/2014 18:21 PM

I actually felt like it "was just a matter of time."

cantaccept posted 7/31/2014 18:34 PM

The first dday it felt like the earth dropped from beneath my feet, I was an absolute mess.

Fortunately for me I had really been working on myself, my value of myself after dday#1.

Dday #2 I felt a white hot rage, I didn't know that I was capable of. It got me through for a couple of weeks.

Then I began to read about abuse and narcissitic personality disorder. I read every day and it fit so closely with what I had been living with for so many years. It really helped me to understand that he is ill, he has been this way long before he met me, he doesn't fit all but so many of the behaviors. It helped me to protect myself.

It still hurts but I realize that I am grieving for an illusion, he was never the man I thought he was. I was much to kind in my interpretation of him.

steppingup posted 7/31/2014 18:45 PM

By the time I had multiple D-Days and rivers of TT the emotions go numb, completely.

My first D-day was trama to cause diagnosed PTSD. My second and third D-day, was just anger and sadness. By the forth...just annoyed and confused buy it all...such a broken soul she is.

Then when I look at my WW I have no words, no energy to start a conversation and she is asking me to woo her and shower he with affection...

She has gone mad!

I agree with you Million Tears, the pain gets so deep, the brain knows better to allow it to esclate to a nervous breakdown so we go numb.

Now, the next step is to take hatred to indifference then we can just walk away immune to it all.

[This message edited by steppingup at 6:47 PM, July 31st (Thursday)]

GabyBaby posted 7/31/2014 19:30 PM


Lovedyoumore posted 7/31/2014 19:32 PM

I handled my first DDay quite well, so I thought. I waited a couple of days to confront so I could rationally speak with him and show evidence. I was extremely hurt and the pain was searing me, but I never lost my cool or even threatened him. He immediately apologized and seemed remorseful. We put boundaries into place and started repairing our lives. Again, so I thought.

I was so fooled by my H's seemingly remorse and promises that I blindly trusted him to be the man he said he was and the man I thought he was. Within three days the boundaries were breached and they agreed to take the A underground and to a whole new level. Within 6 weeks after DDay 1, they started a very intense PA, sometimes meeting and having sex multiple times a day. This went on for 3 months until the 2nd DDay.

On the second DDay, I collapsed and nearly lost my mind. The betrayal was 100 times worse the second time because I had trusted him to make things right. I have had multiple TT DDay's and each one has worn me down. Now, I feel numb. My real caring heart had to take a vacation for a while to protect itself. Will it return? I hope so, but not until the all clear has be sounded.

OakStreet posted 7/31/2014 19:47 PM

Topical post! I went to visit our MC today. I left MC after finding out the A had gone underground, 5 months after Dday 1. We are due to resume MC next week.

I told our counselor I would be there next week UNLESS I won the lottery.

I was so fooled by my H's seemingly remorse and promises that I blindly trusted him to be the man he said he was and the man I thought he was.

^^ This was me. I find this second betrayal more devastating (didn't know that was possible until now) because we were going to MC while he continued to cheat.

Everything has been a lie - and we are approaching all the affair "antiversaries" in the next 2 months. Yippee!

notgoneyet posted 7/31/2014 20:18 PM

Yes definitely, the first one was apparently an ea and the 2nd a pa but the first one was harder to take. The 2nd was yes I've been here before. but the 2nd was the last! one more and I'm gone and he knows it. Not sure if he cares but he knows it. And children know it too. Why do they not have any shame?

StuckinBetween posted 7/31/2014 20:45 PM

I am, in a way numb. Confused more than anything I guess. Not confused about the fact that it's happened, just about what the hell am I going to do to deal with all of this. DDay 1 was when DS1 was about 6 months old. I was in shock, deeply hurt, angry, etc.etc. Honestly didn't believe he'd do it again, knowing the impact on me. Since then there were a number of signs of indiscretions (online stuff mostly) that I couldn't prove to myself. DDay 2 was 2 years ago and I was definitely devastated/shocked etc.etc., because a line had definitely been crossed. I was not going to stay if it happened again. Agreed to R though was full of doubts.. did mc, he did a tiny bit of IC. DDay 3 involved online indiscretions but my finding out revealed a previous PA - one night stand - who the hell really knows - with her, before we were married.

He is in total remorse and 'let me show you' mode. He was like this last time. Again - major personal boundary crossed for me. Honestly - the majority of my reaction at the moment of finding out the last two times has been a "so now my whole world changes". I don't want that yet how do I live with myself and have any self respect when I seem to just carry on with a H who says all the right things and appears to try for a while, but fails and fails again. So, I am confused - a big part of me desperately wants to be able to carry on in some semblance of family unity - especially for my 3 DS', and another part of me can't see how to go about it. I am mostly just really sad right now.

Brave30 posted 7/31/2014 20:51 PM

To say I was devastated on DDay 1 would be an understatement. I think we've all been there.

DDay 2 (five years later, different OW) I was sad and hurt but underneath it all was a sense of relief that I knew I didn't have to keep living a lie. I wouldn't say I was numb because it did hurt, mainly because I knew that we were headed for D and I would have to share custody of my kids. That has been more difficult than being rid of that serial cheater.

[This message edited by Brave30 at 9:03 PM, July 31st (Thursday)]

WhereIsHome posted 7/31/2014 21:00 PM

I didn't want to believe affair 1. I didn't have hard core proof but found texts that didn't add up. I went to her with the texts and bought all her lies. Still something wasn't right in back of my head but definitely rug sweeped. Wish I would have hung back and collected more evidence.

#2 knew something was up. It was shocking because I had to VAR the car and first day planted OM was in our car 20 convo then foreplay.

Nothing really would shock me anymore if I heard she was into 3 ways and stuff with strangers.

I feel bad though because I am a bit desensitized to everything now. My dog had emergency surgery this week and felt bad and sorry for her but before all this would have been much more worried and in tune with her plight. Now I felt that I was hoping for the best but almost like what's going to go wrong next.

Ultramarine posted 7/31/2014 21:06 PM

Not true in my case. I took the first D-day very well. I was with my family, visiting for my baby shower, 4 months pregnant with our first child. I received an email from OW's boyfriend and felt like someone ripped my heart out of my chest...but I didn't show it. I was calm when I confronted H the day after that, in the best traditions of my FOO.

On D-day 2, around our second wedding anniversary, i found out (exactly the same way) that the affair was in full swing. I was overwhelmingly sad and wanted to leave but didn't.

D-day 3, two years later (pregnant with kid #2), I was devastated and very angry. I broke things, wailed and screamed, and left with my things and 2 year old son before WH came home from work. I stayed at a hotel that night but returned home the next day. I was a mess for weeks if not months.

This latest period of discovery (more than just one day), has been happening for two months now and it has hit me the worst. I'm not even sure why...most of it is about past affairs. But I have been physically sick, having panic attacks left right and center and I general, completely falling apart.

[This message edited by Ultramarine at 1:55 AM, August 7th (Thursday)]

JLyn1128 posted 7/31/2014 21:18 PM

No. My experience was different for some reason. The first DD was about 16 years ago. We had just moved in together after dating for about 10 years. They were on a bowling league together and I had never gone with him. Huge mistake. We had a long conversation about what we each expected in a committed relationship, blah, blah, blah....and he quit the bowling league. We went merrily along for 9 or 10 years. He was home every night and weekends and I had NO REASON to suspect anything. The OW (same OW as before) wrote me a letter and told me about their 5 year affair. She even had suspected that the child she had during the affair was was not, but I was astounded at what had been going on. There were tears, and I was hurt but many promises were made and I don't know what was going on in my head at the time, but I was getting ready to retire and my mind was just elsewhere. DD #3 was Christmas Eve 2013. I was devastated. The SAME OW!!!! This time they had been "seeing each other" (her words) for 2 years but only having sex for a few months. Devastated is an understatement. It nearly killed me. I can't explain the pain I was in. I think that's what made an impact on him. He had never seen this response in me and it hit home. This spurred us both into action that I should have taken before.

So, no, I'm not numb. I'm still dealing with pain and grief and anger 7 months along. The difference this time is that he's dealing with it as well. He's not given me any reason to doubt him since DD, and believe me, I check....but the feelings I had on Christmas Eve still well up when he goes to work and I've actually sat on the floor and sobbed just seeing him walk out. I'll never be the same, never get completely over it, I think. But we're finding a better place and we're a better couple than we ever were. I wonder if we had done the work before if this time would have happened.

rachelc posted 7/31/2014 21:42 PM

no, I understood his first one. but he saw what it did to me and did it again. i didnt' recognize the man i married. It's was so cruel I can't even fathom it. and I caught them together. And when i see her i trigger so badly and he apologizes. Big woop.

It's very hard, is what i'm saying.

Hurt14 posted 7/31/2014 22:06 PM

My husband had a 2nd afraid with the same women said he felt confident in himself bur again he was self ish and had escalated worse then the first some still on the fence and do not wish this on my worst enemy.

takingitdaybyday posted 8/1/2014 00:51 AM

Did anyone who had more than one d-day say they would leave if it happened again (after d-day 1)? I guess I always told myself I would leave if he ever cheated on me -- then he did and I stayed and we are continuing to fight for our relationship. I realized that day that you never know what you'll do in the situation.

pepper77 posted 8/1/2014 06:49 AM

Katiescarlett I can't quote somehow, but exactly the same. I was shaking, I couldn't sleep/eat/etc on (partial) DD1 in 2009. I was a mess. I said then, "If anything even like this ever happens again, we're done."

When I found out how much more there was and how much farther it had gone earlier this year, I was upset and in disbelief, and then yes, just numb. Still am. (Or, maybe I just feel like I've already cried all my tears over this. I've had that thought, too.)

I have had that feeling like there's something wrong with me that I'm moved out and not "missing" my husband/partner of 12 years like, at all. All of the lying/TT/gaslighting seems to have killed my affection, though.

I am holding to that it's over, takingitdaybyday, only because I think it would be a matter of time only before it happened again, and (because of my own FOO issues) I refuse to live my life that way.

stunnedin12 posted 8/1/2014 07:05 AM

Different, yet same.

d-day 1 - angry and baffled
Then began 6 months of his campaign to 'change me' so when d-day 2 came around I was just too worn out to care although I was pissed.

d-day 3 - I, to this day, have not told him I was stalking his facebook and knew the instant he broke no contact. I let us 'discover it together' and expressed my disgust (very civilally).

d-day 4 - the infamous stupidity where he tried to convince me his phone had texted chickie all on it's own and the number magically appeared resulted in pure shut down on my part and while we are working to reconcile, my emotions play no part in that decision. D-day 4 is also when I let him know about the lawyer and I think it scared him shitless because I was soooo calm. A few days later, a number of our dinner plates magically broke. Wh has wisely never questioned it and didn't bat an eyelash when I asked him to go buy more plates. Any emotions toward him though were and continue to be non-existant.

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