Married 27 years. Together 29.
3 children 24, 21, 14
OW sex addict and romance addict according to MC. WH just your ordinary asshole.
This D-day is different. It's like I've been waiting for the other shoe to drop. I didn't shake, or scream at him, or become a blubbery mess. I just felt numb and perhaps more apathetic should I should be.
And then, yes---much more rapidly to numbness, not caring, and wanting to end the relationship.
That anyone would knowingly subject someone s/he purported to love to more than one d-day was really far more than I was willing to swallow.
Dday #2 I felt a white hot rage, I didn't know that I was capable of. It got me through for a couple of weeks.
Then I began to read about abuse and narcissitic personality disorder. I read every day and it fit so closely with what I had been living with for so many years. It really helped me to understand that he is ill, he has been this way long before he met me, he doesn't fit all but so many of the behaviors. It helped me to protect myself.
It still hurts but I realize that I am grieving for an illusion, he was never the man I thought he was. I was much to kind in my interpretation of him.
I would now like to be known as Can!
dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
attempted R, it was all a lie
My first D-day was trama to cause diagnosed PTSD. My second and third D-day, was just anger and sadness. By the forth...just annoyed and confused buy it all...such a broken soul she is.
Then when I look at my WW I have no words, no energy to start a conversation and she is asking me to woo her and shower he with affection...
She has gone mad!
I agree with you Million Tears, the pain gets so deep, the brain knows better to allow it to esclate to a nervous breakdown so we go numb.
Now, the next step is to take hatred to indifference then we can just walk away immune to it all.
[This message edited by steppingup at 6:47 PM, July 31st (Thursday)]
An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who brings shame is like rottenness in his bones (Proverbs 12:4)
XWH#1 (serial cheater, 12+ OW) - Legally married 18yrs
DD(21), DS(19, PDD-NOS)
5 Furkids - 3 dogs, 2 cats
I edit often for clarity/typos.
I was so fooled by my H's seemingly remorse and promises that I blindly trusted him to be the man he said he was and the man I thought he was. Within three days the boundaries were breached and they agreed to take the A underground and to a whole new level. Within 6 weeks after DDay 1, they started a very intense PA, sometimes meeting and having sex multiple times a day. This went on for 3 months until the 2nd DDay.
On the second DDay, I collapsed and nearly lost my mind. The betrayal was 100 times worse the second time because I had trusted him to make things right. I have had multiple TT DDay's and each one has worn me down. Now, I feel numb. My real caring heart had to take a vacation for a while to protect itself. Will it return? I hope so, but not until the all clear has be sounded.
I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.
I told our counselor I would be there next week UNLESS I won the lottery.
I was so fooled by my H's seemingly remorse and promises that I blindly trusted him to be the man he said he was and the man I thought he was.
Everything has been a lie - and we are approaching all the affair "antiversaries" in the next 2 months. Yippee!
He is in total remorse and 'let me show you' mode. He was like this last time. Again - major personal boundary crossed for me. Honestly - the majority of my reaction at the moment of finding out the last two times has been a "so now my whole world changes". I don't want that yet how do I live with myself and have any self respect when I seem to just carry on with a H who says all the right things and appears to try for a while, but fails and fails again. So, I am confused - a big part of me desperately wants to be able to carry on in some semblance of family unity - especially for my 3 DS', and another part of me can't see how to go about it. I am mostly just really sad right now.
DDay 2 (five years later, different OW) I was sad and hurt but underneath it all was a sense of relief that I knew I didn't have to keep living a lie. I wouldn't say I was numb because it did hurt, mainly because I knew that we were headed for D and I would have to share custody of my kids. That has been more difficult than being rid of that serial cheater.
[This message edited by Brave30 at 9:03 PM, July 31st (Thursday)]
#2 knew something was up. It was shocking because I had to VAR the car and first day planted OM was in our car 20 convo then foreplay.
Nothing really would shock me anymore if I heard she was into 3 ways and stuff with strangers.
I feel bad though because I am a bit desensitized to everything now. My dog had emergency surgery this week and felt bad and sorry for her but before all this would have been much more worried and in tune with her plight. Now I felt that I was hoping for the best but almost like what's going to go wrong next.
On D-day 2, around our second wedding anniversary, i found out (exactly the same way) that the affair was in full swing. I was overwhelmingly sad and wanted to leave but didn't.
D-day 3, two years later (pregnant with kid #2), I was devastated and very angry. I broke things, wailed and screamed, and left with my things and 2 year old son before WH came home from work. I stayed at a hotel that night but returned home the next day. I was a mess for weeks if not months.
This latest period of discovery (more than just one day), has been happening for two months now and it has hit me the worst. I'm not even sure why...most of it is about past affairs. But I have been physically sick, having panic attacks left right and center and I general, completely falling apart.
[This message edited by Ultramarine at 1:55 AM, August 7th (Thursday)]
So, no, I'm not numb. I'm still dealing with pain and grief and anger 7 months along. The difference this time is that he's dealing with it as well. He's not given me any reason to doubt him since DD, and believe me, I check....but the feelings I had on Christmas Eve still well up when he goes to work and I've actually sat on the floor and sobbed just seeing him walk out. I'll never be the same, never get completely over it, I think. But we're finding a better place and we're a better couple than we ever were. I wonder if we had done the work before if this time would have happened.
It's very hard, is what i'm saying.
me (WW/BS): 48
4 kiddos in mid 20's
“Most things will be okay eventually, but not everything will be. Acceptance is a small, quiet room.”
When I found out how much more there was and how much farther it had gone earlier this year, I was upset and in disbelief, and then yes, just numb. Still am. (Or, maybe I just feel like I've already cried all my tears over this. I've had that thought, too.)
I have had that feeling like there's something wrong with me that I'm moved out and not "missing" my husband/partner of 12 years like, at all. All of the lying/TT/gaslighting seems to have killed my affection, though.
I am holding to that it's over, takingitdaybyday, only because I think it would be a matter of time only before it happened again, and (because of my own FOO issues) I refuse to live my life that way.
d-day 1 - angry and baffled
Then began 6 months of his campaign to 'change me' so when d-day 2 came around I was just too worn out to care although I was pissed.
d-day 3 - I, to this day, have not told him I was stalking his facebook and knew the instant he broke no contact. I let us 'discover it together' and expressed my disgust (very civilally).
d-day 4 - the infamous stupidity where he tried to convince me his phone had texted chickie all on it's own and the number magically appeared resulted in pure shut down on my part and while we are working to reconcile, my emotions play no part in that decision. D-day 4 is also when I let him know about the lawyer and I think it scared him shitless because I was soooo calm. A few days later, a number of our dinner plates magically broke. Wh has wisely never questioned it and didn't bat an eyelash when I asked him to go buy more plates. Any emotions toward him though were and continue to be non-existant.