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Detective Work- wrong or right?

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libertyrocks posted 7/31/2014 18:08 PM

Damn it. I always do this, I meet a guy I like, then look them up on fb. I usually dig until I find something I don't like. Pics of past flames, or finding out their lifestyle. I sort of feel like a snoop, trying to dig into things that I'm not letting them reveal to me themselves. It's easy. Guys don't get it. Once we start texting each other, all I do is type in their phone number and wamo. They don't even have their profiles set to private...Ugh. Ugh.

Part of me is extremely cautious because of STBXH. But, heck, he didn't even have a fb. Other part of me is glad I did it once I find out they're really just out for a good time...

What do you think, SI, right or wrong?

[This message edited by libertyrocks at 6:09 PM, July 31st (Thursday)]

soulsearcher4 posted 7/31/2014 18:22 PM

Detective Work is fine, really.

The bigger question is... what are you looking for?


I usually dig until I find something I don't like.

Are you not satisfied until you find something you don't like?

Pics of past flames, or finding out their lifestyle.

Past flames? Like, ones that are done he just still has pictures up?

If it says "In a relationship", yeah that's a problem. But if he just has a bunch of pictures up, that's not a big deal.


Other part of me is glad I did it once I find out they're really just out for a good time...

Aren't we all? Is it because he said " I'm looking for a relationship", but his facebook says he isn't (how could you really know?!) And what lifestyle are you seeing through some pictures?

It sounds to me like you're still raw and need to take a giant step back and do some healing.

Crescita posted 7/31/2014 18:34 PM

I say anything publicly available is fair game. Pretty much everyone I know googles dates.

Choosing not to date someone isn’t a violation, especially if they are misrepresenting themselves, or have a criminal record.

I think it could be unethical to date them because of the information you find, if you use the information to ingratiate yourself in their life without telling them, pursue their hobbies, “happen” to be where they check-in, or are motivated to keep dating them because they are apparently wealthy. That is crazy, stalker sh*t. I'm sure nothing along the lines of what you are doing.

libertyrocks posted 7/31/2014 21:46 PM

I am not stalking anyone like that. Lol

No pics on his profile. But pics of him on another girls profile. Looks like they dated to me. No relationship status on his or that girls.

Thing is with stbxh I dug and dug for dirt and found something every time. I'm so jaded...

Maybe I do need more time to heal...

phmh posted 8/1/2014 06:47 AM

I think it's all a matter of degree. Too much detective work and especially justifying it because of what happened in your past (not saying you're doing this), IMO, means you're not yet ready to date.

Things happen, and part of being ready to date is knowing that, should they go south, you are strong enough to end things and go on with your life.

But I believe a normal amount of searching (googling the name and looking at the first few pages of results, checking the court system's website (especially if you have kids), stuff like that) is par for the course these days.

Newlease posted 8/1/2014 08:04 AM

I would do just enough to make sure they were who they said they were. And I always told them I was doing it.

Check to make sure they really are divorced. (Found a liar this way once.) Check to make sure they don't have a criminal record. Check to make sure they are employed.

Then let them reveal themselves to you. Trust is something that is earned over time. But the most important person to trust is yourself.

NL

tushnurse posted 8/1/2014 08:26 AM

I don't think you are wrong to attempt to protect your heart when you move forward.
I do think that you have rushed into the dating the world. It's just now 6 months since you filed.
Take some time to find you. Be happy being you, without the distractions or relationships. Know that you can exist, and be healthy, and normal, and not need a man for anything. Once you reach this point, then the need to protect yourself and do all the snooping, and shields up all the time stuff goes away, because no matter what you won't tolerate anything less than you deserve, and you will be confident in your self, and your judgment.

libertyrocks posted 8/1/2014 10:14 AM

Good advice, tushnurse. Like always! :)

Once you reach this point, then the need to protect yourself and do all the snooping, and shields up all the time stuff goes away, because no matter what you won't tolerate anything less than you deserve, and you will be confident in your self, and your judgment.

Thank you. I still have random episodes of crying, thinking how ex could do such terrible things to me...and how I was so miserable, but still loyal to him.

tushnurse posted 8/1/2014 13:33 PM

Remember that had nothing to do with you, who you are or why he did it.

He is broken, and in the process of destroying your M & your life he destroyed your self esteem, because you valued yourself based on what he thought and felt. Once you value you for who you are it no longer mattes what he or any man says or does. You know you are worthy, and pretty freaking awesome too.

libertyrocks posted 8/1/2014 15:25 PM

Thing is, I know that! I tell others that. It's not our fault they're broken.

I know I'm sweet, loyal, loving, caring, and just a really really good human being. It just makes me sad, that's all.

I totally know he has major foo issues with his own father and it's not my fault.

It's kind of like I got shot in a freak accident, like "why me?" "Why do my kids have to suffer not having their mother and father together?" It brings me to tears. I try to be the best person I could on a daily basis. He didn't have the same goals in his daily life...

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