Inspired by something LA44 posted some months ago, I made a list of ALL the things I felt I had to accept if my fWH and I are going to R. I listed these things on a Word document and added to them as I thought of new things over a week or so.
I went into detail e.g:
I have to accept that fWH lied to me by telling me he was sleeping at a B&B and that he went so far as to describe the B&B to me
I have to accept that fWH would phone me to say good-night from OW's house every night that he slept there and that she overheard these personal phonecalls
I have to accept that OW saw my husbands naked body
I have to accept that fWH had sex with OW approx 40 times
There were pages and pages of this stuff...
I thought that writing it out would help, but once I had done that I felt I needed more, I realised that basically I needed him to apologise for these things individually.
So one day, when we had lots of uninterrupted time I sat fWH down and I read this list out to him. By the end of it he was very emotional. And he apologised to me.
It helped a lot, in several different ways. I think it made him realise the depth and volume of hurt he had caused me. It also helped me to have tangible evidence of what he had done and to know that I had had a formal apology for all of those things. I realised that on some level I had been feeling that the blanket apologies I kept on getting - you know the "I'm sorry" or the "I'm sorry, I know I was a jerk and I hurt you" wasn't enough, but on this occasion, with each item being specified, it felt better, more like a genuine real apology for all of those (many, many) things. Since then I have noticed that I revisit all those hurts far less... it's like I could pack them away, because I felt like we had dealt with them.
It was emotionally draining, and certainly not an easy thing to do. But it definitely was worth it in my opinion.
I'm not saying those hurts are completely healed, or that R is now going swimmingly though. I certainly haven't reached full acceptance of all those things either. But it was a significant step in the right direction for us.
Not sure if it will help in your situation, but I thought I'd mention it.