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a look at my track record

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Alyssamd24 posted 7/31/2014 19:18 PM

This is going to be a hard post for me....One that I have been wanting to post for a while but haven't been brave enough to post.

Since my A I have spent a lot of time thinking about all the relationships I have had, and have noticed a pattern of being dysfunctional and just plain sad. I will try not to make it too long.

I was a late bloomer and never had a boyfriend until I was 18. A week after my 17th birthday I lost my virginity to a guy I went to high school with.....we were at a party and I was drunk....we weren't even in a bed...we were on the floor in a sleeping bag. Romantic,huh?

During that year I began to experiment more and come out of my shell....I began drinking more and would often go to parties and make out with random boys....One of whom almost raped me at a party....he probably would have if one of my guy friends hadn't come in, stopped him, and put me to bed (and kept an eye on him for the rest of the night).

I also began a friend's with benefits relationship with a 21 year old who was one of my brothers best friends....it was short lived...we had sex only once but messed around a bit more than that.

I met my first boyfriend the summer before my senior year of high school....I was 17, he was 19. We dated until I was 18 and found out he had been cheating on me with a 15 year old. I broke up with him and met my next boyfriend a week later....we started dating immediately and actually got engaged...he was about to join the army, and I think we got engaged cuz we thought that would magically make us stay together. He went to boot camp and then tech school....while he was away I started seeing a man who was 26, divorced with two kids. He and I never really dated...we never had sex but kissed and messed around a lot....I then met a new guy at school and dated him briefly....he fucked with my head more than anyone else...he was bipolar and not taking his meds...he would tell me one second he loved me, and the next would break up with me and tell me he hated me.
At this time I broke up with my fiance and stopped things with the 26 year old because I really wanted to be with the bipolar guy....he then told me he was dating someone else and broke up with me....a week later I met my husband. We met when I was 20, and got married when we were 24. I can safely say my relationship with my BH is the first normal relationship I have ever had.

Now for the scariest part....though I am on this site for a PA/EA it is not the first A I have had on my BH. When we were first married I had two EA' s....One with a guy who was a customer at a resteraunt I waitressed at, another with a guy I met while I was at a conference ( for narcolepsy). Both A's were strictly EA' s and both ended because BH found out....I went NC with both AP's instantly.

I have not mentioned them until now cuz I was ashamed and embarrassed that not only did I do this to my BH this time, I have also done it twice before....and Not that you can compare them cuz an A is an A....but this one was much more serious than the other two.

I apologize to all the members and mods on this site that I have not been honest with. I am expecting 2x4s and anger for this, but please know I was afraid of being judged....afraid to admit how screwed up my head really is.

Clearly, I am much more fucked up than I originally thought.

authenticnow posted 7/31/2014 19:21 PM

Alyssa,

Nobody is here to judge. The important thing is that you noticed a pattern and you are working to fix your unhealthy behaviors. It is a process, you are changing and growing every day.

Keep going!

AN

Brandon808 posted 7/31/2014 19:23 PM

You're being honest with yourself which is most important.
This is progress.

Keep on keeping on.

Aubrie posted 7/31/2014 19:34 PM

No judgement. Serial cheater here. You know my story.

(((Alyssa)))

This junk is tough. Honesty is the key. You're getting there. Baby steps.

Unagie posted 7/31/2014 20:53 PM

No judgement here either, it took me awhile to see my patterns and I was scared to confess here too. You're facing all of it quite bravely we just want to help you.

MegM posted 7/31/2014 22:36 PM

This is your journey Alyssa, it belongs to no one else.
((Alyssa))

I have seen a number of people on SI who have shared things over a period of time. Not disclosed fully on SI or have come to a realization around earlier behaviours / incidents.

There are things all of us may not share here (some infidelity related others not) and we have our own reasons for doing so.

This is your journey and it is up to you how you approach your healing one step at a time.

Meg.

saturnpatrick posted 7/31/2014 22:41 PM

I've always respected honesty.

True -- you might get a verbal beat-down from somebody. But I think most people are in the same boat as I and recognize the bravery needed for a post like that and respect the honesty.

Congratulations on becoming more authentic.

[This message edited by saturnpatrick at 10:42 PM, July 31st (Thursday)]

theseseatsRtaken posted 7/31/2014 23:23 PM

Confronting our truth is one thing... Confronting our truth, in its entirety in front of people we may consider our peers, our friends, our family, that is much harder. We aren't here to know everything about you. We are here to support you in any way we can with regards to what you choose to share.

Coming forward with your whole truth is a brave thing to do. Be proud of that.

Alyssamd24 posted 8/1/2014 06:49 AM

Thank you all for the kind words and support....its good to hear.

My BH also read my post and has been triggered badly...we spoke last night when he got home from work...though he knew of my track record, I think it was hard for him to see it written out. He feels like I have settled for him and that he is second choice. He understandably fears that I will do it again, and admitted he hasn't gone to IC for fear that he will really have to deal with the anger and pain I have caused him....he is afraid if he does this he will realize he no longer wants to be with me. He told me this morning he dreamt last night that we got D.

This terrifies me and fills me with remorse and guilt. I cant blame him for feeling the way he does. ...why should he want to be with me after I have hurt and betrayed him so many times.

I think we have both rugswept my As and not dealt with them....and am afraid of what will come now.

10yearsafter posted 8/1/2014 08:09 AM

No judgement. The key here is that you realize that your relationships have been messed up. You know that you need to fix what ever it is that is broken.

You are not obligated to tell anymore here than you feel you want. But being honest here is being honest with yourself.

Does your IC know all of this?

It can help you get to the root of your problem.

The fact that you came here and let it all shows tremendous progress. In my opinion anyway.

Good job.

Alyssamd24 posted 8/1/2014 08:16 AM

I am not in IC right now....I had been going to one but stopped going cuz she was awful. I have tried calling a few others but haven't found a new one yet. I know I need to do this.

DrJekyll posted 8/1/2014 08:38 AM

What I think the reality is. Is that we all have these patterns. I have not seen one wayward that I see a wow I lived a perfect and healthy life, went to sleep, and woke up broken so they started an affair. I have seen a lot of broken patterns, maybe not A's but broken nonetheless. My reality is, I have always been broken. I have been in wayward thinking my whole life. There were times I acted on it, and times I didn't. But I was always broken. You are in good company, and very brave to post that.

So, now you have gotten it out. And recognized your patterns of relationship hopping. The questions are "What are you going to do about it? And Why are you that way?"

Good job, great realization, great moment of being truthful. Now keep digging.

steppingup posted 8/1/2014 11:28 AM

Clearly, I am much more fucked up than I originally thought.

welcome to the club, now you speak truth, now you can live and fix what you want to and your BH can have a better wife, good for you!

FrmrBH80124 posted 8/1/2014 11:43 AM

No 2x4s or judgments here.

It is really difficult to look into the mirror and see who we really are and even more difficult to face that fact and deal with it.

Your willingness to do this speaks volumes to your character now. Your willingness to face your demons and work to become a better person is all that matters. We all have pasts. Some are better than others. Our past experiences shape us but it doesn't define us unless we let it.

Keep posting and keep up the great work.

redsox13 posted 8/1/2014 12:17 PM

BS here.

I went to IC once. Came home and for the only time got angry with WW in the sense of raising my voice.

I concluded our M would not survive a second IC session.

Just saying I understand where you BS is coming from.

Alyssamd24 posted 8/1/2014 12:23 PM

Red Sox,
How have you done healing from her A without counseling?

steppingup posted 8/1/2014 14:54 PM

I know what RedSox is talking about our first MC post DDday #2 was a blood bath, we both left it feeling far worse than when we got it it, all of our expectations aside, the WW felt it would be good to go, it was hard, we migth try again, who knows. The IC continues.

tangledknot posted 8/1/2014 15:17 PM

"Every saint has a past and every sinner has a future." Oliver Wilde

This quote gives me so much hope. We all have a past. No one is perfect and we are all learning. You are on the right path to be reflecting on these things. :)

redsox13 posted 8/1/2014 21:24 PM

Here is what I concluded some years later. It is not what is often believed here:

There comes a point when we think of past events when we realize that there is nothing more to know. There is no epiphany coming, no catharsis. No new knowledge can be gained from a retelling.

The only thing to realize is that the past is dead. It does not exist. The only thing that can be done is all you can ever do - take the moment you are in and try to live the moment. To try and be true to the ones we love and to ourselves.

And to not waste a second more wallowing in sadness. The affair was a tragedy. To allow it to define this moment is to continue the tragedy.

As a BS I don't believe in why's. I have never heard one that made sense. I get that for WS it is different, and if I was one I think try to find out a way to avoid self-destructive behavior. Maybe that means therapy.

Completely FWIW.

Alyssamd24 posted 8/1/2014 21:31 PM

Interesting way to look at it redsox. Thank you for sharing.

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