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User Topic: divorce on Tuesday
cantaccept
♀ 37451
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 8:10 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yup, date is Tuesday, should be final, half of nothing is nothing.

A little nervous but I think I am ready. I allowed it to go to reconciliation on June 4th, with the understanding that it was his opportunity to step up, do, be proactive, it was postponed until Dec. 9th. Two months of "I will", "I am starting to feel your pain", but no action, still just words.

I gave him 2 things to do to make me consider if I should consider giving him a third chance, yes, a third chance. One, post on SI, every day, once a day, start putting out your story, your issues, second IC. So, he posted a few times and no IC.

The final straw was when he said to me, "stop asking". He actually made sense. I thought "you are right, if you were sincere, committed, invested, remorseful, I would not have to ask".

I will never ask again. I did not need to wait until December. He has proven who he is and I do not want a man like that in my life, I do not want a man like that as my husband. I will not settle for being a thing.


"So often times it happens, that we live our lives in chains and we never even know we have the key"

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divorced!


Posts: 1574 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
Pass
♂ 38122
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 9:35 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can, I LOVE this part:

The final straw was when he said to me, "stop asking". He actually made sense. I thought "you are right, if you were sincere, committed, invested, remorseful, I would not have to ask".

I will never ask again. I did not need to wait until December. He has proven who he is and I do not want a man like that in my life, I do not want a man like that as my husband. I will not settle for being a thing.

That's your strength showing. And your pride. And your "Don't fuck with me".

You needed all those things to move forward, and you found them.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 2157 | Registered: Jan 2013
cantaccept
♀ 37451
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 6:19 AM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Pass,

I love that part too, I love how it helps me to begin to get past all this pain.

I did need to find my pride, my worth. Don't get me wrong I am still hurting, still struggling, but at least I now have a direction, a clarity.

One good thing that I have rediscoverd lately, music, I am playing music again! I couldn't sing for 2 years, not a note! I am playing a couple of times a week with my guitarist, best friend. It is healing my soul, it lets me get out the pain and it sure beats crying.

I think of you when I play, of how you used your music to heal yourself.

Strength and peace to all of us struggling through this.


"So often times it happens, that we live our lives in chains and we never even know we have the key"

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divorced!


Posts: 1574 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
FrmrBH80124
♂ 42967
Member # 42967
Default  Posted: 7:09 AM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The final straw was when he said to me, "stop asking". He actually made sense. I thought "you are right, if you were sincere, committed, invested, remorseful, I would not have to ask".

This really hit home for me. This is so very true in any relationship. If someone means the world to you, you will do what is necessary for your spouse without being asked!

Good luck on Tuesday!


ME - BH 45
Her - XWS 30
D - April 2010 - never looked back and good riddance.
Happily remarried!

Though much is taken, much abides; and though we are not now that strength which in old days
moved earth and heaven, that which we are, we are


Posts: 189 | Registered: Apr 2014
Pass
♂ 38122
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One good thing that I have rediscoverd lately, music, I am playing music again! I couldn't sing for 2 years, not a note! I am playing a couple of times a week with my guitarist, best friend. It is healing my soul, it lets me get out the pain and it sure beats crying.

That's great! I've found music can do all these things and more:
- Lighten the mood.
- Make you stronger.
- Make you connect with others.
- Be an escape when you need it.
- Help you get in touch with your emotions.

And I know that some of those things contradict.

I'm so happy for you that you're playing again!


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 2157 | Registered: Jan 2013
norabird
♀ 42092
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((can)))))

I think this is a great step for you. Sending much peace, strength and clarity.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4235 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
WastedTime12
♀ 34767
Member # 34767
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Isn't it so freeing when you actually come to that realization. I understand that you are still sad and hurt but now you can start to see him for who he is not who you want him to be.


Life is meant to be lived, not numbed!

In his quest for freedom, he set me free!


Posts: 187 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Dallas, TX
pepper77
♀ 42337
Member # 42337
Default  Posted: 12:47 PM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mine is Wednesday. I'm glad you're getting some clarity, that is a great realization. Hope everything goes smoothly next week!


Me, 30. SAXWH, 32.
D-day 1/24/14, TT over the next month (and I'm sure I still don't have the full story. Guess it doesn't matter.)
3 boys under 8.
Together 12 yrs, married 2. Divorced August 18.

Posts: 37 | Registered: Feb 2014
DepressedDaddy
♂ 41521
Member # 41521
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mine is also likely done Tues/Wed of next week. The judge was given our agreed and signed settlement and parenting plan this past Wednesday. The L said it usually takes about a week for him to get to them.

Good luck to you and Godspeed!


Since D I have become DDaddy 2.0 - or better known as DevotedDaddy

“Optimism is a strategy for making a better future. Because unless you believe that the future can be better, you are unlikely to step up and take responsibility for making it so."


Posts: 910 | Registered: Dec 2013
cantaccept
♀ 37451
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 4:18 PM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is freeing but it is still such a struggle, as if I have to remind myself constantly that this really is what I want, need.

It really is so mind twisting. The anxiety is building and I am not quite sure why, what is the anxiety about???

There is nothing to divide, the house is in my name and there is not equity, actually there is negative equity . Alimony, not very much so even if I lose it I will still survive, not easily but I will. Maybe just the finality of it, trying to align the heart with the head.

Every day I get hit with so many triggers still, so many reminders. He kept it way too close to home. I have to see or drive by the ow, both of them or where they live or where they work every day, every single day. There is just no way to avoid it, either route I take brings me by one of them on my way to or from work. I keep telling myself, just not part of my life, it has no meaning anymore, I don't have to feel anything about it, it is my past. Maybe just not far enough in the past yet.

I am really trying to focus on my future what I want it to be. Really trying to do things that I enjoy, even if it would be easier not to.

I suppose it comes down to just more of the dreaded time. It has been almost 2 years of this pain now, I just don't want to waste anymore but I still hurt.

I am also nervous about the possible shift from him being nice to being abusive again. The texts and emails, calling me a whore, a slut, an empty vessel, a liar, not a real person, not a real wife, wishing that I was dead. I don't want that again, but I know how he is, I am not being compliant, I am standing up for myself and that makes him angry.

After Tuesday though, I will have no reason to ever speak with him again, it will be over. I can block all access to me.

Maybe it is just finally accepting that he is who he is. He was this way long before he met me and I really don't think he is capable of change. Even if he were, it is not worth the risk of me. He is not worth risking myself for.

He was right last year when he said I hadn't lost anything, he was never even close to who I thought he was. He always told me what I wanted to hear but the actions just never aligned with the words. If you love someone, the way he treated me, long before the affairs and abandonment were not even an imitation of love. If that is what love is, I don't want it. I have had more kindness and compassion from total strangers.

Just having a hard time today. Not having doubts, there is no doubt that to be safe, to heal, to have a chance a peaceful life that I need to get far away from this guy. Just grieving for what never was.

How do you grieve for an illusion???


"So often times it happens, that we live our lives in chains and we never even know we have the key"

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divorced!


Posts: 1574 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
DepressedDaddy
♂ 41521
Member # 41521
Default  Posted: 4:38 PM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Cantaccept -

You ask a great question there and although it does continue to take time, there are some other things too. This is what helped me, maybe it can be of help to you too.

First, stop investing so much energy and brain power to him, your lost relationship and the OW. He is not doing that in return, so in essence you are just running yourself dry.

Second, don't worry about anything else but forgiving yourself. I remember hearing myself say things like, "if I could just forgive her, I can move on." It wasn't until I forgave myself that things for me really changed. I wasn't forgiving myself for doing something wrong, rather doing something right. I made the decision to close the relationship, because of my STBXWW's decisions. I needed to acknowledge that. I needed to forgive myself from feeling guilty. I needed to forgive myself for not letting go earlier. I got to a point where I said, "who gives a shit if she is forgiven."

Third, try and make your shared spaces your own. In my case, my STBX, the MOM and myself all work at the same place. We live within the same 1-2 mile area, we are at similar places at the same time and we have too many common friends to count. I just started making these shared spaces my own - apart from them. I still see them, hear about them, have to deal with them, but it is not horrible anymore. It is almost as if I have assigned them different roles in my head, because I have assumed different roles, therefore, they don't get to me as bad.

Finally, Try and give yourself some slack. You are working really hard and it is impossible to think these feelings will dissipate exactly how you want them to.

I hope you have a good weekend and try and take it easy. With the week you have coming up, just look at it as a jumping off point, versus an end to something. The day I get the signed decree, I have already told myself that I am just going to think about it as the first day of the rest of my life.

Take care of yourself and remain strong! You can do this!


Since D I have become DDaddy 2.0 - or better known as DevotedDaddy

“Optimism is a strategy for making a better future. Because unless you believe that the future can be better, you are unlikely to step up and take responsibility for making it so."


Posts: 910 | Registered: Dec 2013
Pass
♂ 38122
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am also nervous about the possible shift from him being nice to being abusive again. The texts and emails, calling me a whore, a slut, an empty vessel, a liar, not a real person, not a real wife, wishing that I was dead.

Wow, he really is the gift that keeps on giving, isn't he? Remember this about him. Even if there are some good memories, all this stuff can overpower it.

Even though I've seen the story on here many times, it just amazes me when a wayward is abusive with the one person who really wanted to make the marriage work.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 2157 | Registered: Jan 2013
cantaccept
♀ 37451
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 5:00 PM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just typed out this whole story that has been churning inside me all day and then hit the wrong key and deleted it!


"So often times it happens, that we live our lives in chains and we never even know we have the key"

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divorced!


Posts: 1574 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
cantaccept
♀ 37451
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 5:14 PM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Short version.

Last April 21st, 2013. stbx beat the crap out of me when I expressed with tears and strong words how much I was hurting. 6 month anti from dday 1.

I saw a mutual friend about 4 months ago, he worked with stbx until stbx was fired.

He asked what happened. I told him it was more than the a's and that stbx had anger issues. He said that he gets angry too and says things he regrets. I told him about incident of beating, the were others previous but I only spoke of this.

stbx emails me last night asking if I told everyone at previous employer that he beat me.

I replied, no but you did beat me.

Anyway that just started me thinking, realizing that I was feeling partially responsible for him beating me. His attitude and words to me the following days were implying that we both did something terrible, implying that I had a say in his beating me!

I have been feeling guilty for that! I have been feeling like I was complicit in his choosing to react with physical violence!

All day this has been churning in me. I did not do anything to deserve being beaten. Also, I did nothing wrong in talking about it. I do not owe him my loyalty anymore, I do not need to be silent.

If he is not willing to feel shamed by his behavior then he should not do things that he will be ashamed of!

This is so hard, I have been so controlled for so long that breaking the habit of anxiety and fear is such a battle. I get the fear first and then have to work through the why and then come to the realization that he cannot hurt me anymore. I have to constantly remind myself the no on is going to hurt me.

It is crazy making, my son lives with me now, he is 29, he is wonderful... I expect him to be angry with me. He never is, it has nothing to do with him, it is the conditioning in me. I am conditioned to expect anger, to be wrong even if I am not, to be judged when there should be no judgement.

This is just so damn hard.

Yes, the gift that keeps giving. I have allowed myself to be twisted this way, I have to untwist myself. Yes, I have to forgive myself for not taking very good care of me, for not valuing myself enough, for always putting everyone ahead of me.


"So often times it happens, that we live our lives in chains and we never even know we have the key"

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divorced!


Posts: 1574 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
cantaccept
♀ 37451
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 5:26 PM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The good memories, the first 2 years, I was wonderful, I could do no wrong. He was accepting of me.

Then it changed, he changed, then I could do no right, I didn't even know what right would be, it could change from moment to moment.

I kept trying so hard to please him, to not incur his anger but I could not predict it. He would get angry about things that weren't even real!

Then apologize, blame it on something but then repeat again. It did build slowly, it didn't happen overnight. Then about 4 years ago it became almost a daily occurrence. I was just surviving, just walking on eggshells, working myself ragged, withdrawn from life.

I guess I should not have been so blindsided by his affairs and abandonment. If I had been able to step back, look at the larger picture and not just try to survive each moment, Maybe then I would have seen the truth. This was inevitable, this is who he is. He has left a trail of pain his entire life. He has hurt or abandoned everyone that has ever loved him. I just lasted longer, not because he loved me more but because I had a broken thermostat, I did not recognize the the house was on fire until it burned to the ground.

This has been life changing for me though, I hope for the positive in my future. I was raised with abuse, was accoustomed to being abused. I never experienced anything else. Now I know that it does not have to be this way. Now I know that I deserve to be treated kindly, with love, the way that I treat others.

I am going to survived this and maybe, who knows, maybe someday I will meet someone that knows how to love and will love me.


"So often times it happens, that we live our lives in chains and we never even know we have the key"

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divorced!


Posts: 1574 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
deena04
♀ 41741
Member # 41741
Default  Posted: 6:53 AM, August 2nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You will survive this! No one, and I mean NO ONE, deserves to be beat. Maybe you should out him on the fact that he beat you. You are right to do so; who cares about hiding it for him.


Me BS mid-late 30s
Him WS knocking on 40 (lovemywife4ever)
blended family with lots of kiddos
together 5 years, married 8/13
D day 12/1/13
WH ONS had been 4/12
L-I-B-E-R-A-T-I-N-G ME

Posts: 1302 | Registered: Dec 2013
Pass
♂ 38122
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 12:00 AM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Now I know that it does not have to be this way. Now I know that I deserve to be treated kindly, with love, the way that I treat others.

YES!!

That is the most important thing for you to remember. Abuse is always a reflection of the abuser: You didn't deserve it.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 2157 | Registered: Jan 2013
cantaccept
♀ 37451
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just can't wait for it to be tomorrow night. I want this to be the past. I am getting so nervous, my stomach is churning, heart doing funky things.

It is my youngest sons birthday today. Having my sons over for dinner and cake. I am trying so hard to just "do", trying not to think and let it over take me. This is so hard.

I keep having these odd thoughts pop in my head, wondering what stbxwh is doing, thinking today, how is he dealing. That made me laugh, he is probably dealing with it like he deals with everything, not think about it, get angry at me and then he will drink tonight and look at porn.

So, that answers that question. It is sad though, I think I have more concern for him than he has for himself in an ass backwards kind of way.

Just trying to get through this day. Off from work, normal day off. If I had thought about it I should have worked today instead of being home alone. Too much think time.

Just needed to talk.


"So often times it happens, that we live our lives in chains and we never even know we have the key"

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divorced!


Posts: 1574 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
confused615
♀ 30826
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((((cantaccept)))))))


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 8081 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Topic Posts: 19

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