Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-

SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Giupeppe (46032)

User Topic: I just wish the pain would stop
Numb2014
♀ 43919
Member # 43919
Default  Posted: 9:07 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't stop crying and my angel is here and it's causing her to cry. I'm shattered. He picked her up today, brought her to his new house, showed her her new castle princess bed. The. Cried on the way home bc she misses her daddy and doesn't want two houses and wants her family. She said were just two people living in a house together now. That we're not a family. So, I engaged. I know I shouldnt have. I broke nc. I asked if she talked about her sadness to him and to make sure we were on the same page woth consoling her. He tells me that she was fine and begging to spend the night. Then I asked when he will be done moving out bc I'm anxious to have my personal space back and gets angry and snaps at me that he's anxious to have his stuff in one place too and to leave him alone about it. I just want my key back. I don't want him in my home when I'm not here. I don't understand why he's so angry with me. What did I do???

The. I can't stop crying hysterically because what if my dd chooses to live with them? She so desperately wants a family that she may choose to live with him and ow bc it's more "family" dynamic. I've never been wanted in my life. My own parents abandoned me when I was an infant. Xh has abandoned me several times. What's going to stop my dd from abandoning me??

What is it about me that's so fucking unloveable!? Why am I not even worth missing? Why isn't it regretBle to lose me??? And why the FUCK does he get to benefit after everything he's done!? I'm always the one left to pick up the pieces. He always moves on to a nice house, endless sex, endless supply of money. He never "suffers" the way I do. Why am I getting the karma? Where's his!?

I had to leave the room bc I'm crying so hard I'm fucking hyperventilating. Please someone tells me the pain eventually subsides. Bc I cannot live the rest of my life feeling like this. I just want the pain to stop. I don't want my dd to leave me too. My life is meaningless without her. I'm in so much pain my heart literally hurts.


BW-me (31)
WXH-him (30)
DD-4, DS-14
High school sweethearts. 14 years gone. He doesn't even care. It meant nothing to him.
False R-3/2011 to 6/2014
Found evidence going back 2 years. He's moving in with OW.

Posts: 233 | Registered: Jun 2014
Numb2014
♀ 43919
Member # 43919
Default  Posted: 9:09 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ow is buying my dd all this nice shit to win her over. It's like it's a competition all of a sudden. Who can provide bigger and better things for dd? She'll choose them over me.


BW-me (31)
WXH-him (30)
DD-4, DS-14
High school sweethearts. 14 years gone. He doesn't even care. It meant nothing to him.
False R-3/2011 to 6/2014
Found evidence going back 2 years. He's moving in with OW.

Posts: 233 | Registered: Jun 2014
Pass
♂ 38122
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 9:47 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It doesn't matter what OW does. You are the only mommy your daughter has. She will eventually get used to going over there, and there may even be times she wants to - and that will suck a lot.

But no two-bit whore can replace you. You're a woman of substance and a woman of honour.

It hurts more than anything ever has before, but you can get through it. Know how I know that? Because you have to get through it. You have to continue being the fantastic mommy you've always been.

You'll be a sadder fantastic mommy for a while, but it will slowly get better. You know this because you've seen all the other betrayeds on here who are feeling better. You'll get there too. I promise.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 2157 | Registered: Jan 2013
DepressedDaddy
♂ 41521
Member # 41521
Default  Posted: 9:59 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Try and take it easy. Right now it seems really bad, but it will just take time.

I know it seems like they have "it all" right now, but it couldn't be further from the truth. I thought the same thing when my STBX and I separated. Things are much different now. She had to come over to my home (our marital home) to pick some things up and she could barely keep it together. I had neighbors walk by and they were saying hello to her, she was exposed to the house we built together and then seeing me. She cried and had a hard time being here. She knows her life will never be the same. That was her doing.

Just try and give yourself a break. It's going to feel like shit for a while.


Since D I have become DDaddy 2.0 - or better known as DevotedDaddy

“Optimism is a strategy for making a better future. Because unless you believe that the future can be better, you are unlikely to step up and take responsibility for making it so."


Posts: 910 | Registered: Dec 2013
gonegirl
43859
Member # 43859
Default  Posted: 11:06 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wanted to give support. My mother abandoned me too. Then my WH threw me away like a piece of trash and has shown no sadness, regret, remorse, or pain. Just anger and blames me for everything.

My heart hurt reading your post. I can't tell you that the pain ends because I'm right in the middle of it. But you're not alone. The crying, the hyperventilating, the pain, all of it. Lots of prayers being sent your way.


Me: BW 30 (now)
Him: Who cares
DS 6 (sole custody)
DDay May 2014
Divorce Final December 2014
"She took a step and didn't want to take anymore, but she did." --The Book Thief

Posts: 147 | Registered: Jun 2014
Riskybusiness
♀ 43475
Member # 43475
Default  Posted: 11:34 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hang in there, sweetie! One minute at a time. Good job posting and getting those emotions out. Keep posting here. We hear you! You will make it through this!


Me-39
HeeHaw(EX)
OW SmokyHo
Married 21 years
DD-19, DD-17, DS-15, DD-11
DIVORCED

Rejoice in hope, persevere in tribulation, be devoted to prayer. Romans 12:12


Posts: 87 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Pacific Northwest
persevere
♀ 31468
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 11:48 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The. I can't stop crying hysterically because what if my dd chooses to live with them

This is my first focus from your post. Based on your tag info DD is 4 - far too young to choose. What have you discussed w your attorney about custody? Their new "happy family" doesn't dictate the outcome of custody.

This part is hard but you can do this. (((Numb2014))


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4715 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
betrayedpregnant
♀ 43304
Member # 43304
Default  Posted: 2:15 AM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear Numb, I'm so sorry to learn that you experienced abandonment in the past as well as the present. The present situation must be evoking intense fear and pain in you. I am so sorry you are going through this.

I too had fears that my daughter would prefer living with my x and barista ho since they're in unicorn honeymoonland and happy, and being "father" and "mother" figures while I'm heartsick pregnant barely functioning sad mess. But my daughter eventually understood who really loves her. I know the young one might be susceptible to being "bought" off, but little girls love their mommies so much! Please don't fret

I think you are MISTAKEN to think that the reason for the abandonment is you, that you're not loveable, that you're not worth missing. YOUR VALUE DOES NOT CHANGE BASED ON SOME ASSHOLE'S INABILITY TO SEE YOUR WORTH.
Be aware of your true value and don't let anyone convince you otherwise.

I'm sorry you have to experience betrayal and abandonment more than once in your life. Instead of seeing it as a deficiency in yourself, maybe you can see it as an opportunity to heal and thus grow spiritually from these experiences. I KNOW it's nearly impossible to think that anything positive can come out of so much suffering, but I'm trying to see it from that perspective right now, and I think there is hope for us to grow spiritually from this suffering.

[This message edited by betrayedpregnant at 2:18 AM, August 1st (Friday)]


Posts: 309 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Hawaii
k8la
♀ 38408
Member # 38408
Default  Posted: 6:44 AM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The first thing you have to do is manage your emotions when you're around your daughter.

She's only 4. She's not equipped to handle the kind of grief you're feeling and crying in front of her inflicts a sort of helpless pain on her that she has no emotional tools to cope.

By contrast, OW is happy. She's won your husband. Now she's out to win your children. To her, it's a competition and she has more tools to try to beat you, even if you have the higher ground as mother.

To a four year old, the contrast between painful grief vibes from you and OW's happy-go-lucky popularity competition face is marked and easy for her to choose being around OW. It's not about the family atmosphere as much as it is the relief from pain.

This is why you have to pull yourself together, at least while you're around her.

So buck up, no matter what it takes. Get an IC to help you process your emotions there. Use your church minister. But when you're around your daughter, find your happy place with her. Be the best mom you can be. Go to the park, and let her play. Find ways that don't cost money to give her the quality time that things can't buy. OW has to retain your husband, so she can't give your daughter all that attention and quality time that you can. So she'll try to buy DD's affection with THINGS.

This is your time to show your daughter strength and resilience.


Posts: 172 | Registered: Feb 2013
LearningToRun
♀ 31353
Member # 31353
Default  Posted: 7:37 AM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are borrowing trouble and worried about outcomes that don't even exist, nor will they.

I felt the same ( with older kiddos) the ow was working overtime with gifts to win them over. She has kids and their new house has a pool and her family has a farm and trips, etc, etc.

I am just me and broke. I worried they would " choose her" after all, ex did.

Turns Out my relationship with my kids is better than ever. They like ow just fine, but they know who is their mom.

You are scared of the unknown, and I've been there. I know it's hard to trust but the future works out and with showing your kids love and understanding , it does.

You will get through this, you will be ok. You do need to pull it together, especially when you are hysterical about outcomes that could happen from being hysterical, but not from the stiff upper lip.

Kids are smart and they see everything. And they understand tons more than they let on.


Posts: 347 | Registered: Feb 2011
norabird
♀ 42092
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As perservere said, DD cannot 'choose' who is her family and who she lives with--you and your attorney will fight for the custody that is best for her, and it should be at least 50/50 (if not more time for you).

Simply tell her that you are still a family with just the two of you, that you will always be her family, that daddy will always be her family too. It is not fair to your DD to have you afraid that she might abandon you--you are the parent here, and you need to model a new understanding of family for her now.

(((Numb)))


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4235 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
solus sto
♀ 30989
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's okay for your daughter to see grief; if more of us had seen our parents move through pain and difficulty and emerge okay, then I think a lot of us would be better equipped to cope with emotions. No, I'm not saying it's okay to share adult problems with her; i am however disagreeing with the previous statement that you must somehow pull yourself together lest the happy, shiny OW "win." It's bullshit.

Your daughter --like you!--is grieving the loss of her family. It is a normal and natural response to a loss of this magnitude. Acknowledge and validate the sadness--then reassure, reassure, reassure. Your family is configured differently now, but your DD still has two parents who love her.

You will get through this. You and your DD will find your new normal. And your ex will find his. It's the way it is.

What will NOT happen is this: you will NEVER be replaced by OW. Ever. Even if they develop a positive loving relationship, you are her mama. And as hard as it seems now, a positive loving relationship is good. Of course, the likelihood that there will be an abiding relationship with OW is probably pretty slim--but if she (or another) sticks around and loves your daughter, and your daughter loves back---well, kids can't be loved too much, you know?

You're her mama. You will always be her mama.

I totally, totally empathize with the abandonment thing. I found the book, The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson to be really helpful.

[This message edited by solus sto at 10:45 AM, August 1st (Friday)]


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 9148 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
Numb2014
♀ 43919
Member # 43919
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To a four year old, the contrast between painful grief vibes from you and OW's happy-go-lucky popularity competition face is marked and easy for her to choose being around OW. It's not about the family atmosphere as much as it is the relief from pain.

This is why you have to pull yourself together, at least while you're around her.

This. This spoke VOLUMES to me. I had a talk with my dd this morning. I told her while it is ok to be sad, Mommy will not cry anymore because we are going to be ok. I told her that now that it is just Mommy and dd in our little family, that we will have more time to spend together, and we can go to the park more, the pool, play barbies, etc. I told her htat she DOES live with both mommy and daddy, but its just separate houses.

I just do not know how to react when she tells me she wants to live with daddy. She kept saying that last night, and it kept breaking my heart . Any suggestions on how to appropriate handle comments like that? I know ex and ow will have a BALL with that statement whenever dd shares that info with them


BW-me (31)
WXH-him (30)
DD-4, DS-14
High school sweethearts. 14 years gone. He doesn't even care. It meant nothing to him.
False R-3/2011 to 6/2014
Found evidence going back 2 years. He's moving in with OW.

Posts: 233 | Registered: Jun 2014
Numb2014
♀ 43919
Member # 43919
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's okay for your daughter to see grief; if more of us had seen our parents move through pain and difficulty and emerge okay, then I think a lot of us would be better equipped to cope with emotions. No, I'm not saying it's okay to share adult problems with her; i am however disagreeing with the previous statement that you must somehow pull yourself together lest the happy, shiny OW "win." It's bullshit.

I agree with this as well. I will focus less on ow winning, and focus more on just BEING THERE for dd. Spending quality time vs. buying her with materialistic things. We already have a fun-filled night planned ahead. We layed down last night and I let her stay up 30 mins. past her bed time because she wanted to watch her favorite cartoon. Things will be good with us...


BW-me (31)
WXH-him (30)
DD-4, DS-14
High school sweethearts. 14 years gone. He doesn't even care. It meant nothing to him.
False R-3/2011 to 6/2014
Found evidence going back 2 years. He's moving in with OW.

Posts: 233 | Registered: Jun 2014
Pass
♂ 38122
Member # 38122
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Spending quality time vs. buying her with materialistic things.

My boys are much older than your daughter (11 and 14). The Princess and her boyfriend take them on cool vacations and buy them cool gifts. They also don't restrict the use of electronics or enforce a bed time. But they spend no time actually hanging out and talking with them.

I can't afford the vacations or gifts, and I have rules here, but we spend all our time together. I even make them do chores (if you can imagine the cruelty!).

My boys love their time here with me. We have deep conversations while making supper together, we go for long walks, we read, and we play music. And of course, there is still some time for electronics.

Children don't even know it, but they really do WANT structure. They want to know that an adult is there to take care of them, and to guide them through things. They are also pleased when they get a supervised taste of taking care of themselves.

Your daughter will appreciate you for different reasons than she does your WXH and his whore. And although this isn't a contest, she will probably appreciate you more - even if it doesn't always seem like it.

And please don't worry if your daughter knows you're having trouble. One of the things my shrink pointed out to me after my suicide attempt is that my parents never shared any suffering or worry with me - they totally "protected" me from it. As a result, I had no idea how to cope and deal with problems.

I am totally open with my kids about all my worries and problems (in a kid-appropriate way, of course), and regularly discuss what my shrink and I talk about. They are seeing how I am coping, and hopefully learning from it.


Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
Two sons: Now 11 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!

The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous


Posts: 2157 | Registered: Jan 2013
norabird
♀ 42092
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Children don't even know it, but they really do WANT structure. They want to know that an adult is there to take care of them, and to guide them through things. They are also pleased when they get a supervised taste of taking care of themselves.

Totally this.

Also, your DD loves and misses her dad. That's okay. It doesn't mean she doesn't love you. But she's secure with you, and afraid of losing her dad--that's why she's fixated. It doesn't say anything about your place in her heart. It's important for you to learn to feel secure about that and drop your fear; you can't place your need on this little girl, you know? You have to handle it yourself.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4235 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Topic Posts: 16

Return to Forum This Topic is Archived
adultry
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.