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Wants to do things his way

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hopefulfourus posted 7/31/2014 21:33 PM

He was served D papers today while I was at a sports event with my son. When I returned home he wanted to talk.

He wants to avoid using a L because they will be taking money away from our kids. He mentioned we could do a legal separation (so that he can stay on my medical insurance) or even use a mediator. He also mentioned that he would ALLOW me to stay in the house until our kids graduate from HS (would would be in 4 years) and then sell the house or I can buy him out. We each pay half the mortgage (like we always have) but he wouldn't live there.

All sounds nice, huh??

WELL, I feel he is hiding assets. In fact I am pretty sure he is. He has 2 trucks, a motorcycle and a boat (not hidden of course). There is also a safe deposit box that is in his name (I have never seen the contents). And it also talking about getting a different bigger boat.
He runs a cash business, so it can easily be done.

He tried to make me feel guilty/sorry for him by saying we could use the money being spent on lawyers to buy our daughter a car when she gets her license, or we could use the money for our sons schooling. Which I am sure he will use against me if I go the divorce route like I want.

I pay for our medical insurance, I pay for all the household groceries and children's clothes, etc. All while he maintains his fun life style.

In the meantime I am still awaiting the results of my biopsy--which I was told will take another 1-2 weeks since they do further testing on lymph nodes.

healingroad posted 7/31/2014 21:39 PM

Lawyer up and get that safe deposit box locked down before he can move the assets.

Softcentre posted 8/1/2014 01:19 AM


The Arse probably hasn't hidden assets (simply because he doesn't have any) but he did the whole not wanting to get lawyers involved thing. I have a solicitor (UK) but we will try mediation because it is cheaper...but that's my decision and it's WITH my solicitor's advice/support. Having said that, The Arse just tried to get me to agree to negotiate between us over email

I think that they think that they're smarter than us because they hid the A from us. I think they forget that, well, dday happened, so they weren't THAT smart!

Also,it's about control. They've lost control over the whole situation, and this is away of getting it back.They're so used to manipulating us that they hope they can still do it...and we'll still let them.

Anyway, it seems like a lot of them try this. Also be prepared for him trying to hoover you back in when he realises how much he'll lose/the OW leaves him/the OW is no longer exciting in the real world. Oh and right now, he'll probably start telling you that you need to separate for now but maybe you'll get back together later on, that he just doesn't know but needs to have some space to think...that'll be him trying to cake-eat and keep you asa soft landing in case it all goes wrong.

devistatedmom posted 8/1/2014 08:30 AM

You are right. If he runs a cash business you really have no way to know exactly what he makes. You need to be protected.

He wants you to do it his way because in his mind, nothing was suppose to change. He will still have medical coverage (through you) and he will still get to keep all his cash minus his part of the mortgage, and he'll get to be with whoever he wants, while you do all the work! He forgets, if you two do go with that plan, so you sell in 4 years and split it then, that he will still owe CS on top of it. It's your decision on the house. Do you want to stay in it for 4 years? Can you afford it? Do you want to stay financially tied to him for 4 more years? How about household repairs, etc?

Don't do anything without checking with your lawyer. You can still do some of it with mediation , and yes, that is cheaper, but with him running a cash business? I'd get some kind of audit going now.

Gemini71 posted 8/1/2014 08:48 AM

Seriously?! He betrayed his vows yet you're supposed to 'trust him' on this?! This is right out of the wayward handbook. Next, you will be the 'bad guy' for bringing lawyers into the equation. The more he complains, the more likely he's hiding stuff.

Trust your gut. FTG!

Brave30 posted 8/1/2014 09:22 AM

Yep. I heard this too. He wanted to get the papers from the courthouse and just handle it ourselves. Then he started making threats about taking the children and I knew I needed an attorney.

When he received papers regarding custody he was livid and yelled at me that we didn't have to go this route and involve lawyers. We could have just had a notarized paper outlining custody. Seriously?

They all want things done their way because they are so delusional. They are truly selfish and believe we'll just go along with whatever they say. Stand firm and protect yourself. It is really hard for me because I was always the one to give in and I've had a very difficult time standing my ground and riding out the D process.

Sending you strength.

norabird posted 8/1/2014 09:24 AM

So...he's saying he's trustworthy, huh? And that totally squares with his betraying you emotionally!

Fuck him and lawyer up. He wants to avoid taking money away from the kids? Please. Likely story. He wants to protect himself.

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