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Tonight I feel like total shit

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sorrowfulmate posted 7/31/2014 22:22 PM

We have been keeping my affair quiet from our kids. Tonight my second daughter who is 20 overheard my wife and I and asked me about it.

I had to be honest with her.

I have blown apart another part of my family. I have broken my daughter's heart.

LosferWords posted 7/31/2014 23:22 PM

That is rough. Have you talked to your wife about disclosing this information to your daughter?

PenitentMan posted 7/31/2014 23:40 PM

Infidelity is the gift that keeps on giving. My son is 10. For better or worse he knew right away that daddy and Mrs. AP were in bed together naked. I have no idea what this is going to do to my son later on. I did this to our family and I've asked his forgiveness on many an occasion. There's no putting the cat back in the bag so you do what you've been doing: soldier on. My son was not at all happy with what I did because he lost his friends (AP's kids), but he says he forgives me. He says "Friends come and go but family is forever." I really hope that's true. I'm sure she will understand how remorseful you are and you will eventually make peace with her. She's an adult after all. Our whole lives have changed and continue to change as a result of what we did, and as you know, the only constant in life is change. Life goes on and we adapt, and grow, and learn. This, too, shall pass. Hang in there.

DrJekyll posted 8/1/2014 07:34 AM

SM - I would suggest that she start IC. My parents were unfaithful. And it damaged me even 30 years later.

Your DD dream of having a great and wonderful father has just been shattered. I do not know exactly how this feels. I can only imagine. But stay strong. empathize with her. You now have a BC. More relationships to rebuild. I can hear the pain in your post.

SH - that is a great thought "friends come and go, family is forever" but my reality is I cut off all of my family. They are all broken, and it is not my job anymore to fix them anymore. I am hanging up my "shining armor"

sorrowfulmate posted 8/1/2014 07:35 AM

I went back into the room and let her know what happened. No blame shifting. I owned it all. It was all my fault.

We have been talking and we are going to tell the rat of the kids. The 23 year old and the 13 year old.

Of the kids the 20 year old was the one that I didn't want to find out because of her depression.

When she was hospitalized LTAP sent a card signed by lots of people and gifts while she was in the hospital.

My LTAP was also in a state that I drove through to get back to my childhood home. Like a fucking idiot I introduced them at dinner one trip. Today I am in the process of beating the shit out of myself and realizing the huge amount of damage and shit storm I have caused by my self centered selfish ass.

Today I hate myself more than other days.

sorrowfulmate posted 8/1/2014 07:36 AM

DJ

My daughter is in IC. She is going to talk to her therapist and asked if we (my wife and I) would do a session with her.

Brandon808 posted 8/1/2014 07:56 AM

She is going to talk to her therapist and asked if we (my wife and I) would do a session with her.
Well that shows that she is wanting to address it and not rugsweep it. If you're in IC then I would discuss it there and with your BW, especially with your BW as she may not be ready to discuss certain things.

10yearsafter posted 8/1/2014 07:58 AM

There is no stop sign. I think it would be very beneficial for you to do a session with your daughter.

Be open and honest with her.

Sorry I don't know your story are you in IC.
It can be very helpful.

sorrowfulmate posted 8/1/2014 08:00 AM

I agreed to IC and MC right after DDAY. I don't think I would be able to do this without it.

As for no stop signs. I figure wth I'll take advice from anywhere in order to heal.

ItsaClimb posted 8/1/2014 08:22 AM

My then 17yo daughter and 23yo daughter found out about my fWH's A on D-Day. They were shattered. But have since told me they are very glad they know. They both feel that (especially in light of the deceit surrounding infidelity) there should be no secrets in a family. They appreciate knowing that there is nothing we are hiding from them.

An unexpected outcome of all of this is the amount my younger daughter esp. has learnt about relationships from all of this. We have had many rewarding conversations with her about communication, FOO issues, building a marriage, forgiveness, processing grief, dealing with conflict etc etc.

My older daughter prefers not to discuss it much and we respect that.

What I am trying to say here, is that my advice would be to be very open and to not let the conversation end with the confession. Let your children be a part of your healing, let them learn from it, let them see your pain and the joy in your recovery, let them watch the journey unfold.

My family is closer, more connected and more ... authentic, for want of a better word, since D-Day. Yes there has been pain, a lot of it, and my daughters have seen both me and their Dad broken and crying bitterly at various points in the process, they've also witnessed anger, lots of it! But the truth of it is - that's life! Life is not all sunshine and rainbows. To my mind the important thing is that they have also seen healing, forgiveness, honest communication, growth, love and honesty.

They have learnt from this, we have all learnt from this. I think we can all take this shitstorm and create something positive out of it if we put our minds to it. As the saying goes, "we can choose to be better, or bitter, it's our choice"

sorrowfulmate posted 8/1/2014 14:19 PM

just got some texts from my BW that my daughter is angry. I am still upset over all of this. Today has been really hard.

sinsof thefather posted 8/1/2014 15:13 PM

My LTAP was also in a state that I drove through to get back to my childhood home. Like a fucking idiot I introduced them at dinner one trip.
sorrowfulmate, I think it's vitally important that you make a point of addressing this particular issue with your daughter. Acknowledge how it must make her feel now to have been put in a situation where she unknowingly socialised with the OW, and apologise specifically for it. None of this is easy - but I think you have to validate her right to her anger. Good Luck.

sorrowfulmate posted 8/1/2014 21:32 PM

DD went to a friends house to sleep tonight. She wrote me a letter.

I could feel her pain as I read it.

When she was born I left the AA program and proceeded to be on a dry drunk for the next 15 years. The next 5 I started drinking again. She hats the fact that she had to grow up with this. She hates that I was not present to her when while I was involved in my affairs. She resents that she met the OW while not knowing it was the OW.

BW told me that she held her today as she sobbed. I was told that I was her model for what a husband should be and now she says right now she has no clue what a good husband is.

She said she wants the father she deserves from now on. She wants my full attention when we are together.

I can give those and I can strive to give more.

Trying2LoveAgain posted 8/1/2014 22:40 PM

I am truly sorry for your daughter & the rest of your family! 11 months ago I learned of my H's affair that took place 26 years ago...during the first few days following Dday, I also was told that my daddy was unfaithful to my mother. Talk about a double whammy! (I actually found out about some other close family members who had A's as well, so guess it was more than a DOUBLE whammy!) That was my Labor day weekend 2013! A weekend I never care to ever repeat!😢

Anyway...so I found myself a BC which I thought had just about finished killing my soul until we found ourselves in a situation 2 months later that left us no other choice than to tell our two grown sons (ages 34 & 29) about their dad's A. They were 10 & 5 when it happened. To say the least they were in shock! And they both reacted quite different & each one quite opposite of what we expected. So just be prepared.

Have you talked to a counselor about telling the 13 year old? While I am no expert, and do not believe counselors have all the answers, this does concern me. That's such a vulnerable age and a time when hormones & so many other things are changing with their bodies & emotions anyway. Well, it's not like you don't already know that, you have two others who are older. Just talking out of concern here.

You know your own children better than anyone, but I know from experience that sometimes our own judgment gets clouded when we ourselves are already stressed to the max!

My thoughts & prayers are with you & your BS as you deal with yet another demon in this thing we call the aftermath of hell caused by infidelity.

Trying2LoveAgain posted 8/1/2014 22:44 PM

One other little tidbit I want to add...I firmly believe it's better they hear it from you, rather than from family gossip (or wherever).

sorrowfulmate posted 8/2/2014 12:01 PM

DD wants to talk when she gets home. So now I'm waiting.

sorrowfulmate posted 8/3/2014 07:52 AM

Had the talk with DD. We cried and held hands. She loves me and hates what I have done. She knows the door is open if she needs to talk.

Also had a conversation with DS about it. He knew that I had an affair because he was around when DDAY went down. We were out of town and my wife was calling me and I had been crying. He had met the OW at a hotel pool. I didn't introduce them but she did talk to him.

Any how when I revealed that he met the AP and who she was his reaction was to start to laugh and he said "that crazy bitch??!!" He then went on to say that "he had thought if I had cheated she would have been a 20 on a scale of 1-10 and you chose that?"

I revealed this to my BW and her reaction was "I love that boy"

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