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Update and strange feelings

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Scubadoo posted 8/1/2014 04:51 AM

It has been a very crazy past three weeks. My husband was let go from his job that brought us to this new state on July 10th. Of course my old job in Florida was thrilled at the thought of me coming back, but I didn't want to go back. So WH was actually able to secure another job by the 15th. Yet, we had to leave the place we were staying as it was a company house, sooooo we had to find a new place to live, pack, and move. Quickly!
Done. We have now been in our new place that the kids really like for two weeks. We now have access to a community pool, tennis courts, volley ball courts, and a playground. The kids think its heaven that we now go swimming everyday. They are all registered for school and going to their sports camps. Life from the outside looks great.

So then why do I feel so terrible. I just can't relax. I feel like at any moment the bottom is going to fall out. I guess I just don't feel emotionally safe.
I have started triggering again really bad, to the point of breaking out in tears almost daily. I look at my husband and want to poke him in the eye. We had to stop our MC due to lose of insurance. Wish we could afford it as self pay, but he is expensive!! So now we hardly talk at all. It feels like my feelings are changing towards my WH. I'm still going through the motions of R, but it doesn't seem like we are moving forward.
We just signed a year lease and now I feel almost like I am trapped, like I have to stay with him. He has done so much for me over the last three weeks, just damn near everything I have asked of him. Even came home with flowers for me one night, just out of the blue. Yet, I don't feel like he really wants me. Like he is going through the motions also just to appease me. So confusing. We still have sex ( found out he had extremely low testosterone levels, now fixed) but it seems it's all about him now. I don't withhold or refuse, I just don't enjoy it at all. Nothing feels intimate or close, just like a duty.

Is this normal? Is it just a phase of R? We are now 10 months post dday. Any help is greatly appreciated.

devasted30 posted 8/1/2014 05:19 AM

Hi Scubadoo. You have been through a lot in the last 10momths. Wow. I would expect it's a combination of many things. After all the turmoil and anguish, I think you might be reaching the Plain of Lethal Flatness. But, you need to communicate with your WS. Is he aware of how you are feeling? Have you told him that you are back to crying daily? Have you asked him if he still wants to be married to you? You have worked so hard to get where you guys are now. Don't drop the ball now. Force yourself to voice your feelings. Possibly your WS is scared because so much has happened and he is afraid that you are finally going to pull the plug. Talk to him. What have you got to lose? Neither of you knows what the other is thinking; what the other is feeling. Set some quiet time aside and talk to each other. If you can't afford your MC, get a book about communication and read it together. Enjoy a special dinner together and see if you two can get back on track.

[This message edited by devasted30 at 5:20 AM, August 1st (Friday)]

tushnurse posted 8/1/2014 07:18 AM

You two are making huge strides, and are starting to find a new normal, which in and of itself can be difficult, throw in all the other changes, and it's downright too much. It's ok to break from the pain, and be comfortable with the new normal.
But when you trigger, and have anxiety, and all that you describe you need to work through it. Examine why you feel the way you are feeling, what's the trigger, what makes it a trigger, and can that trigger be managed, eliminated, or just shut down. You HAVE to communicate what you are feeling with your FWS. It sounds like he wants to do the work, but he probably is clueless as to where and how to start. This is where you guide him. As much as it seems they should know what we need and want, they don't, they aren't mystics, and lets face facts, most WS's are a bit emotionally stunted, if they weren't they wouldn't have made the choices they did. You have to work together through this. This is where some really big healing can occur in your relationship, find your voice. It's ok. Take time to enjoy the small things like going to the pool each day.

((((and strength))))

Scubadoo posted 8/1/2014 10:33 AM

Oh I also forgot the part about the OW contacting him. While I was on vacation with the kids in Florida for three weeks she was emailing, texting, and Facebook messaging him like crazy. He ignored them all and told me about all of them. This went on from June 23rd until July 3rd. Then they just stopped again until his birthday. He got a message on his birthday that he didn't tell me about. His reasoning was he had just lost his job 2 days before and didn't want to ruin the day anymore than it already was by bringing her up. He already knew what a dissappointment he was in my eyes and just wanted to try and keep some peace. I found out 3 days ago by going through deleted messages on his phone. I just looked at him and turned and walked away. I told him here was my back so you put the knife in as I walked away.
I'm going to try to tell him tonight that we need alone time to talk. Something we have clearly been avoiding since MC stopped.

NeverAgain2013 posted 8/1/2014 10:37 AM

I don't get it. Why isn't she blocked from his email, Facebook and cell phone? It's very easy to do.

OnAnIsland posted 8/1/2014 10:45 AM

OW needs to disappear. the blocking should have happened by now, and your WH should be glad to do it to provide some comfort.

You have been through SO much with d day, move, job insecurity, etc. Give yourself some time. BUT do communicate how you are feeling with your WH. He won't know any other way. And let him know what you want him to do if anything.

Also, are you entering any affair cycle anniversaries? Sometimes, especially the first two years, when we came upon those dates- which were marked by familiar things- for example a visit to family that occurs at the same time every year, marriedOW birthday which coincides with a US government holiday and which was a very important day for her to have MY husband at her side- I would trigger or experience some discomfort and not know or understand exactly why. check on that. And you are two months out from d day, so that may start to trigger you as well.

don't have sex if you don't want to. and explore that with him or in your journaling, if counseling isn't an option right now.

hang in there. be gentle with yourself. and communicate with wh.

Scubadoo posted 8/1/2014 10:46 AM

Hi NeverAgain2013. She was blocked. She created 2 new Facebook profiles, we have since blocked both of those. She apparently paid the dollar to Facebook to get the messages to go to his inbox. She was using an anonymous texting app to send the texts, because her number is blocked. The emails were also coming from Facebook. He wrote her a NC letter while I was in Florida, but we didn't mail it, because by the time I got back the contact had stopped again. Now in light of the birthday message I may just go ahead and send it. Not sure if that's the right thing to do though.

hopefull77 posted 8/1/2014 10:51 AM

She needs to be at the least BLOCKED on phone and face book....face book is such a mine field....
Living through this nightmare called infidelity is hard enough a persistent OW makes it harder but quite a few move forward in spite of the OP....
enjoy the pool with your kids ....
reconnect and communicate with your H and focus on moving forward....

Scubadoo posted 8/1/2014 10:54 AM

Hi OnAnIsland. I hadn't even put 2and2 together until you asked about a cycle. The physical portion of his A was June 30 - Aug 14 of last year.
So this time last year my WH was screwing her daily. No wonder I'm so f...ed up right now. I want to run and scream.

steadfast1973 posted 8/1/2014 11:05 AM

I am almost the same time out from dday as you are. 8 days it looks like.

I am also getting angry again.

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