Topic: Confused-why A ended
Member # 44303
| Posted: 8:30 AM, August 1st (Friday), 2014|
I re-asked why my WS broke up with his last PA. Before he told me that she drank too much and there was no purpose. I said that I thought it was because she lived where he traveled and he would never move there.
We talked about the weekend it happened. He was traveling for work and supposed to come back Fri. His birthday was Sat. and he knew I was driving to our house (from my mom's house where I care for her). He told me he had to stay there for the weekend due to work but he wasn't sure- boss still deciding. I bought a plane ticket to go there. He said not good idea. By this time, I was going and I suspected he was cheating.
He ends up coming home Saturday afternoon after going into work Sat. AM. The OW instant messaged me that night saying we should talk. I asked Why- she said, you don't think we should? I woke him up, yelling and proceeded to throw dishes and anything else I could find. (I had seen her post something on his Facebook page and he lied when I had asked who she was.)
Yesterday, he says that he broke up with her because all the S* came to surface. That she thought I was more out of the picture than I was. That she thought he was staying the weekend for his bday but that he never had any intention to.
I asked why because he wanted to spend his bday with me- than said or is that too strong a reason to admit to? I said so you didn't break up because it was wrong or cruel to me, but because it all came up and she was mad? Because she wanted a real relationship? He said that he couldn't find the words to explain the reason right now but that he would try to.
It leaves me speechless- What???? Typing this, I wonder why I didn't ask him a hundred questions and wait for the answers. In addition to not knowing why they start A's, do they really not know why they end them???
I don't even feel mad or sad about the conversation, just dumbfounded which confuses me more.
him- WBF- PA 2006, D-Day 2006; 2 PAs, 1 EA 2013-2014, D-Day April and June 2014.
Posts: 30 | Registered: Jul 2014
Member # 24416
| Posted: 8:42 AM, August 1st (Friday), 2014|
Yeah, my WH can't answer those questions either. I think he ended it because he got caught and he didn't really care about her. But why would he risk everything for someone he didn't care about? The whole thing is confusing. I don't give a shit anymore.
2 year LTA-double betrayal, D-day 1-26-2009 and many months of TT.
Married 27 years. Together 29.
3 children 24, 21, 14
OW sex addict and romance addict according to MC. WH just your ordinary asshole.
Posts: 1673 | Registered: Jun 2009
Member # 42581
| Posted: 9:32 AM, August 1st (Friday), 2014|
It seems like it was because the affair was exposed. If you had no idea and the OW hadn't contacted you it would have been no different than the weeks before. He would have gone back.
He choked me. What else is there to say.
Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he can't meet them.
People change when staying the same becomes more painful than changing.
Posts: 5431 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
Member # 30024
| Posted: 9:35 AM, August 1st (Friday), 2014|
No one ends an affair because they realize they are still in love. They end an affair because they are scared. Scared of taking it to the next level, scared of being found out, scared of ruining their life. ~ Rick Castle from TV show "Castle"
BW (me) & FWH both over half a century; married several decades; children
d-day 3/10; LTA
"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak." ~ Homer Simpson
Posts: 12390 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Member # 37725
| Posted: 10:06 AM, August 1st (Friday), 2014|
SisterMilkshake, that's a great quote.
Me: BW, age 68
Him: WH, age 66
Married 21 years
D-Day: August 14, 2012
9 year LTA with former co-worker and family "friend"/7 years EA+PA, 2 more years EA
Posts: 496 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Connecticut
Member # 16345
| Posted: 10:21 AM, August 1st (Friday), 2014|
In my WWs case. and maybe some others too. I think that the affair gets to be more trouble than its worth. WWs relationship with her OM had reached a kind of plateau and it wasnt going anywhere. It was beginning to get stale.
For most of her affair the positives were greater than the negatives. IMO affairs are allot of work. all the lies and running around. and maybe at first that is part of the fun. but after awhile it becomes work. So toward the end the negatives out weighed the positives.
WW told me that she tried to get OM to agree to go back to just being friends. but he wouldnt go for that. when she would pull away he would draw her back in. (those are her words. IMO she drew herself back in because she wanted to.)
Eventually it got to be too much work. the negatives wore too heavily on her. and they had a blow out and the LTA ended. OM tried to contact her again but she blocked him. Then to assure that she would not get back into the LTA again she confessed.
I was closing in on discovery anyway and she knew this.
IMO I think allot of affairs end just like our pre-marriage relationships often did.
Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.
Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.
Posts: 3483 | Registered: Sep 2007
Member # 43949
| Posted: 11:35 PM, August 1st (Friday), 2014|
Wow. I hadn't thought of it that way. Too much trouble? My husband said his crossed boundaries and shouldn't have. He regretted going past being friends and now lost that respect for AP. Said it was getting boring after a couple months of only once a week. (She has daughters who had to be out of the house and he had a wife who expected him home by a certain time... Didn't leave much opportunity). Too much trouble fits. Especially when you're lying to both and trying to keep it all straight.
[This message edited by BlueBlueEyes at 11:35 PM, August 1st (Friday)]
BW - 49
WH - 50
Married 30 years
Beautiful Son, Daughter and 2 Grandsons.
OW - multiple, just found out about ALL of them, Husband coming out of years of fog due to multiple childhood and military events.
Hopeful but cautious
Posts: 194 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Texas
Member # 41131
| Posted: 12:42 AM, August 2nd (Saturday), 2014|
Well, my WH told me he ended it (which is questionable) because "it was too much hassle."
So I know it had nothing to do with ending it for me - at all. And he still tried to hook up with her again the next time she was in town.
I don't think most affairs end because people suddenly realize how much they love their spouse. Affairs don't start because of love and they don't end that way.
Me: BW - 36
Him: WH - 38
Currently in Limbo, possible R. WH says he wants R. I'm not convinced.
Posts: 71 | Registered: Oct 2013
Member # 34689
| Posted: 2:55 AM, August 2nd (Saturday), 2014|
It ends, I believe in most cases, when the little fantasy world they have in their heads gets intruded on by reality.
However long that takes.
BH - Me - Late 30's (now late 40's)
WW - Her - Late 30's (now late 40's)
Her - Love of my life...still is.
Reconciled - Partly...she can't get over it.
Her - Thunderstruck by what she did.
Posts: 1149 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: USA
Member # 34827
| Posted: 3:27 AM, August 2nd (Saturday), 2014|
Sounds.like she was pushing and he got scared. Maybe she threatened to tell you, then did so I bet she freaked him out. The A probably got to difficult to control. She wanted more and he didn't. IMO
Been with him over half my life
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Posts: 5734 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
Member # 36146
| Posted: 3:28 AM, August 2nd (Saturday), 2014|
Only ended because he got caught. Period.
Posts: 319 | Registered: Jul 2012
Member # 33202
| Posted: 8:00 AM, August 2nd (Saturday), 2014|
I agree with standinghere-reality reared its head for both of them.
The AP didn't get her fantasy Christmas and my cheater WH was tired of the drama and afraid of being caught. I am convinced, though, that if I hadn't caught him, the A could have sputtered along for years. The AP always had some melodrama in her life to keep him on the hook and my WH knew the AP was always available for a "date". It was too easy for them both.
Posts: 787 | Registered: Aug 2011
Member # 43959
| Posted: 8:29 AM, August 2nd (Saturday), 2014|
when she would pull away he would draw her back in.
That's how my WH described his LTA. When one broke it off, the other would pursue and they'd get back together. They were addicted to each other. WH also said the A was beginning to die on its own and in Jan., AP wrote that she realized he was never going to leave me and she wanted another baby and so was calling it quits. However, she texted him in March and emailed in July, basically saying she still cared. Luckily, the fog had lifted for WH and he wasn't interested anymore.
Him-WS 52 Sorrowfulmate
Married 27 years, 5 kids
Dday #1 12/12 He made up a ONS
Dday #2. 3/14 EAs, 3 ONS, 2 LTA
Buttercup: We'll never survive.
Westley: Nonsense. You're only saying that because no one ever has.
Posts: 339 | Registered: Jul 2014
|Topic Posts: 13|