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Ideas on how to help WH understand

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sohurtbyhim posted 8/1/2014 08:44 AM

Two years before the A started, WH put his arms around me and in front of our children and a friend who didn't recognize me said, "I would never cheat on Sohurt." (This didn't come out of the blue, it was a misunderstanding on the part of my friend - but that's another story. )

I remember feeling so safe and secure in his arms and I totally believed him. The problem is that now he says he will never cheat on me again and when he asks if I believe him, I tell him that I believe he means it right now at that moment, but although I hope and pray that it will be true forever, I no longer wholeheartedly believe it.

He doesn't understand why I think like that. He says he's changed so much and he probably has and he means it. Of course that leads me to ask him if he meant it when he vowed fidelity to me when we got married and when he told me that I would never have to worry about him cheating on me years later and he says yes.

So of course I point out to him, if he meant it those times and had the A, I can't know for 100% certainty that he won't cheat...even more does he know? Who knows...circumstances may manifest itself that could lead him down that path again.

My question is - does anyone have any ideas of how I can better explain my feelings to him? He doesn't get it and then we get angry/annoyed/hurt with each other. He really is a difficult person to explain things to because he doesn't understand "hypotheticals". I can't say to him, "how would you feel if xyz?" or "what would you do if xyz?" He has learned that he doesn't think of he says, "he shoots from the hip". It's scary to live with someone like that.

MissWhoKnew posted 8/1/2014 09:13 AM

I believe what I have been through, what I've read in books and read here on SI, have lead me to the conclusion that I really have to be willing to give up the marriage to save the marriage. Everyone that knows me and my H would tell you he is the last person you would ever expect something like this from. I have since learned that in reality we do not know who will do this. Blind faith is ignorance. My H is not a bad person, but he made a life-changing choice that affected his marriage and his family.

My WH remained feeling self-absorbed for a short while after A was over. He didn't want to answer my probing questions because they made him uncomfortable and I didn't understand they were 'just friends'.

I learned I had to find the strength in me and the respect for myself to walk away from something that was slowly sucking the life from me. Once I made that decision I could draw a line in the sand, so to speak. I told my WH what I needed and expected to consider staying in the marriage. This was a huge wake-up call to him. He never would have expected that from me. He knew I was stupid and that my decision would be made based upon his actions. It has been a lot of work on both sides because we had some issues in the marriage we just never discussed and it just let us become like roommates.

There are things that make me trigger now and I instantly react to some of those...but the IC has helped me learn to not let them take over me. Even with all this said...the fact remains that I will never trust my WH with the blind innocence of before. For him to expect that is just not reasonable. I do hope with all I have learned about myself that I will get close to that kind of trust...the difference is now I know any change like when the A started, those signs will not slip by me.

The way I got my WH to start talking with me was through text messages and emails. WH tends to be very defensive by nature, whether he is right or wrong. This approach allowed him to read what I was saying without feeling like he was put on the spot for an immediate answer. We have slowly evolved into being able to talk face to face and he does not immediately stop hearing what I am telling him. My WH is also a pretty impulsive person, which makes them hard to deal with some times.

[This message edited by MissWhoKnew at 9:18 AM, August 1st, 2014 (Friday)]

Williesmom posted 8/1/2014 09:18 AM

I turned everything that my Wxh said back to him.

I said that I was going to hang out with guy friends, which should be fine because we're just friends. And if we kiss, it's not my fault because he pursued me. If we sleep together, I didn't really want to so it should be ok, right?

And I'm not talking to him, but he keeps calling me, and I feel bad hurting his feelings, so I just listen.

His wife is mean to him, and she may hurt him if she finds out about us.

Clearly, none of this is my fault, and why can't you just trust me and get past it?

He then understood what I was going through. But he remained an asshole.

[This message edited by Williesmom at 9:18 AM, August 1st (Friday)]

million tears posted 8/1/2014 09:21 AM

sohurtbyhim, my WH and I have had that same conversation. He, too, told me he could never cheat on me. What changes them?

I think the only way they would truly understand is if they went through it themselves.

Pass posted 8/1/2014 11:02 AM

I turned everything that my Wxh said back to him.

Well executed, Willies. Some people just don't understand unless it actually happens to them, so this is a great approach to take.

I tried that with The Princess and only received a blank stare in return. After all, to an NPD, I'm not really a person so much as just a possession - so how can I even exist when I'm not around her?

painfulpast posted 8/1/2014 11:23 AM

I think he understands why you feel like that just fine. He'd have to be a complete idiot not to understand it. I think he doesn't like that you feel this way, and that's why he's getting annoyed, which is annoying you.

So Im going to ask you - why do you care so much that he's annoyed that you feel this way? It's how you feel. He doesn't need to like it. Him not liking it isn't going to change your mind or make you suddenly feel complete trust again.

He wants complete trust, and he's never going to get it. He cheated - so why he's annoyed that you aren't just swooning with glee at his words affirming his forever faithfulness is on him, not you.

Just my 2 cents, but he's acting like a spoiled brat. He broke a very deep trust. He shouldn't be annoyed that he can't have it back.

If you really want him to understand, break something. Just pick it up and break it. Then ask him to put it back together, and tell him that he needs it to be perfect, like it was before. When he says that's impossible, tell him that's exactly how it is with your trust - you can piece it back together but it will never be perfect again.

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