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A question for men - is it a hassle to have sex?

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heartbroken2012 posted 8/1/2014 09:19 AM

I feel like sex is a hassle to my WH.

Wh and I had off half a day yesterday. I hinted and then blatantly told my WH that I would like to have sex.

WH says that every day that we have off work, I expect sex. I told him that is because when we work he always says he is too tired to have sex. So I assume that they days we dont work...he wouldnt be so tired.


WH then complained that there is never any time to just RELAX without kids, without work...just rest. I told him sex is relaxing...he disagreed.

He accused me of just wanting to "get off" and I told him that sex is more to me than that, but it is a connection between us, a loving moment, affection etc.

So I guess Im just feeling down to the fact that I must have picked the only asexual man on this planet, or there is something wrong with me...considering he was able to have sex with OW.

Maybe its his age (him being 8 yrs older than me). He is 41.

Maybe its me and my body is ugly and he isnt attracted to me (he says its not)

Maybe its the kids?

Men please help give me insight. I am lost.

meleanoro posted 8/1/2014 09:23 AM

oh, heartbroken.

I am not a man, but what he said to you is just douchebaggery. And uncalled for. And in no way HELPFUL to reconciliation!

OK, so he's the WS?

It's possible he wants "easy" sex. Fantasy sex. "no intimacy" sex. Which, frankly, is disordered. AND DOES NOT REFLECT ON YOU.

NOTHING is wrong with you, heartbroken. This is a screwed up man, who instead of manning up and talking with you in a mature manner, turned it around on you and said whatever he could to get you off his back and make you feel like crap.

That he was "able" to have sex with OW is a reflection of his living in the fog, of living in la la fantasyville.

This is NOT on you.

Where are you in terms of reconciliation?

[This message edited by meleanoro at 9:23 AM, August 1st (Friday)]

justme1264 posted 8/1/2014 09:23 AM

I am posting to let you know I get what you are going through. I dont have much advice. Actually, I was you when it came to me and my WW.

I always felt she was just getting off with me and wasn't making love to ME. I had tried to talk to her about this but it never worked.

It's tough...I know it. I never figured it out and still don't know.

I am so sorry you are going through this. It's confusing. The fact is he is probably not being completely honest with you. You may not be dealing with all the facts, and only know the partial truth of what is going on with him. Until you know everything you won't be able to address the problem. At least, that is what it was for me and my WW.

h0peless posted 8/1/2014 09:27 AM

When I was stressed out, I wasn't always in the mood. It wasn't about the ex, it was about me needing to decompress, and for me, sex was not a good way to do that.

FrmrBH80124 posted 8/1/2014 11:00 AM

HB,

I'm 46 and I constantly want to have sex with my wife. Sex shouldn't be a chore unless the other partner makes you do so much to get them in the "mood" then after a while it becomes a chore!

Your WH is making excuses. Let me repeat for clarity....YOU WH IS MAKING EXCUSES. I work long hours and I still want to have sex most days. My wife and I don't because she gets so stressed out about all of the housework that she isn't in the mood most days. I find that to be very frustrating and we are working on the issue together.

Even if your husband didn't want a long session, he could easily give you a quickie. Quickie's in the shower are awesome!!! May not be as fully satisfying as a long session but it is far better than nothing.

I realize that sexual desire between couples can have peaks and valleys. I'm pretty sure that post A, sexual desires between spouses can have even more peaks and valleys. I think this is an issue that you need to address with WH and don't let him off with excuses. He really needs to find out why he doesn't want to have sex with you.

Just my $0.02. Hope it helps.

Pass posted 8/1/2014 11:22 AM

I'm sorry, but is this a trick question? I've never considered sex a hassle. How could "affection, a loving moment, a connection" EVER be considered a hassle?

And so what if you just wanted to get off? Getting off is lovely too! It even is for those of us who are over 40.

If it were just the one time that he wasn't in the mood, I'd say, forget about it. But since this is his regular answer, something is wrong - either emotionally or physically. You two need to talk about this at a time when emotions aren't running so high.

wk55hn posted 8/1/2014 12:27 PM

So I guess Im just feeling down to the fact that I must have picked the only asexual man on this planet, or there is something wrong with me...considering he was able to have sex with OW.

Maybe its his age (him being 8 yrs older than me). He is 41.

Maybe its me and my body is ugly and he isnt attracted to me (he says its not)

Maybe its the kids?

Men please help give me insight. I am lost.

It's not physical, and it's not your physical appearance.

My guess is that there is something going on in your relationship, which may be entirely within his own head, that is causing him to not want to have sex with you. It may be a combination of things. He may have a negative self-image of himself or feel some level of shame. He may be harboring some type of resentment or grudge against you. Those would be my top guesses.

Do you ever sit together after the kids go to bed and watch TV? Hold hands, kiss, without sex? Are you affectionate to each other? My guess would be that he is "too tired" or "too stressed" for those things, too.

Also, I would check to see if he is using porn instead of being with you.

I think when you hear of husbands not wanting to have sex with their wives, the reason usually comes from a similar place was when wives don't want to have sex with their husbands. In my experience it usually is negative self image or resentment.

[This message edited by wk55hn at 12:33 PM, August 1st (Friday)]

heartbroken2012 posted 8/1/2014 12:30 PM

We do sit on the couch and watch tv together. I rub his shoulders, or feet sometimes. Other times we doo snuggle.

Its just sex that he seems to be too tired for.

Something has to be wrong because he complains he is tired ALL of the time. Even if we get 8 hours of sleep.

NeverAgain2013 posted 8/1/2014 12:34 PM

It's also possible he's 'taking care of business' at other times, and doesn't feel the need to have sex.

confused615 posted 8/1/2014 12:36 PM

He has made it clear that he expects you to just be over this by now. He gets angry when you trigger. He is about as unremorseful AS it gets. You used to cry after sex because it triggered you..and it pissed him off. Didn't he tell you he just knew you were using your tears to try and make him feel bad..to punish him? And shortly after thAt, the sex slowed down. Honestly? I think he is withholding to punish you. You cry after sex..then no sex.

By the way...crying after sex when your husband has had an affair...is absolutely normal.

I could be wrong..but considering everything you have posted about him..I don't think I am.

It's just more abuse on top of the abuse he has already piled on you.

craig2001 posted 8/1/2014 12:36 PM

It has never been a hassle for me.

Maybe its his age (him being 8 yrs older than me). He is 41.
41 is most certainly not old and not too old to want sex.

Unless he is doing something else for sex, than he should see a doctor. I continue to read on here and elsewhere, that low testosterone really can cause this.

Maybe a good multivitamin would help him. Is he too tired to do other things like mow the lawn, work on some hobby or whatever.

confused615 posted 8/1/2014 12:38 PM

And you found porn on his phone..which is something you think is new for him...So he is taking care of himself.

It has nothing to.do with his age.

reallyscrewedup7 posted 8/1/2014 12:39 PM

I am sure for some men, sex is a hassle. But to the vast majority, it is what we are programmed to do!! If my fww wants sex at 3am (I am out the door at 5am on days I do procedures), well, I'm ready.

Look, I know getting a man to the doctor's office is a challenge, but he needs to have his testosterone level checked as part of a checkup by his GP. It could be physiological.

RyeBread posted 8/1/2014 12:40 PM

This may or may not be good advice but here it goes!!

What if instead of hinting or telling him you want to have sex you just start making out with him, or seduce him in some way. Make it fun. That might help him feel like you want him, not just the sex. Tell him nonverbally that you want him.

ETA:

is it a hassle to have sex?

Short answer ... no, but sometimes yes Stress or needing to decompress takes the desire away from me.

[This message edited by RyeBread at 12:45 PM, August 1st (Friday)]

Pass posted 8/1/2014 12:41 PM

We do sit on the couch and watch tv together. I rub his shoulders, or feet sometimes. Other times we do snuggle.

So it sounds like it's okay with him as long as HE doesn't have to put forth any effort. You're allowed to do nice stuff to him, but don't expect him to reciprocate?

It really does sound like he's just lazy and selfish. Please don't think this has anything to do with your appearance.

steadfast1973 posted 8/1/2014 13:48 PM

It is compared to the ease of porn. He doesn't have to worry about performance, alone. The girl on screen doesn't care if he finishes early... In fact, he can just rub one out really quick, and not even worry about pleasing anyone else. No tired legs or achy knees... At worst a little cramp in the forearm, if it even lasts long enough. In short, it is, if he's selfish and lazy, it is. And I haven't even touched on the avoidance of emotion and intimacy. Sex can be downright exhausting to someone actively avoiding those things...

Sal1995 posted 8/1/2014 13:56 PM

Affection, love, connecting, "getting off" - all positive things in my book, at least within the context of a loving marriage. Things are good now, but I've been in your position a lot these past 18 years HB2012. No words of wisdom, just wanted you to know that you've been heard. This is definitely not a man/woman issue, I know what it's like to feel affection-starved in the marriage. And when the spouse who withholds the affection gives it to someone else, it makes it even worse. I think it's the commitment and true intimacy they can't handle, imo.

Pass posted 8/1/2014 14:04 PM

I know what it's like to feel affection-starved in the marriage. And when the spouse who withholds the affection gives it to someone else, it makes it even worse. I think it's the commitment and true intimacy they can't handle, imo.

I'll second this. Sometimes The Princess would be ALL about having sex all the time, then there was one year where we only did it twice! I counted! In recent years, whenever I would suggest it, she would pull out her iPad and watch some porn to "get ready".

All of this stuff was disturbing. Once I found out that she had been screwing everybody else through all of that, it was just fucking insulting. She just liked to have that protective wall of cold/porn around her.

We all deserve better!

Betrayeduk posted 8/1/2014 16:39 PM

We seem to be of a similar age. My WH tends to control the physical side. I'm 31 and he's 41. Maybe it is an age thing? I'm now holding back when he wants to get physical. I don't think its revenge. It's taking back control.

I think it is to do with the infidelity. Like a guilt thing maybe? I like to think they don't realise how much it hurts?

Xx

kenny55 posted 8/1/2014 18:18 PM

A guy that age does not pass the chance to get some. I am 8 years older than my WW and I wanted it all the time. He is making excuses maybe out of guilt.

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