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ok, i gotta it an age thing?

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Holly-Isis posted 8/1/2014 10:18 AM


SIL has an online A w/ someone across the country. My niece tells her "Him or me". IOW- when SIL left Bro, then 16yo niece would stay with bro. She felt betrayed. When they got back together, it was hard for her because of the abandonment and seeing they didn't really work through the issues, just got back together (after D).

About a year ago she found out her first love had been cheating on her multiple times from what I gather. She didn't want to talk about it but said she was fine. She was interested in another guy.

IMO, she was in an EA. She was also triggering about her mother's A when my sister got pregnant by HER AP.

She moved in with the guy after dating a few months. Ignored the red flags I warned her about. MrH actually had me relay to her: new guy is MrH- RUN.

About 6mos into the relationship, her BF cheated on her. She chose to rugsweep. Didn't feel it was healthy to ask for transparency. Didn't have him read the PDF of "How to Help Your Spouse Heal" that I sent her. Basically she took the same route to R that I took the first time and her parents took.

Their 1yr anniversary is apparently in a few days. They broke up this weekend. Why? He was still in the A. NOW he's broken it off with OW. His reasons for her taking him back are all about him. She's being wise (so far) and not taking him back.

So that's the background. Here's my question- finally!

When I said I just don't get why people don't leave or focus on their SO, she said she got it. That the new attention is tempting and feels good. When I said yeah, but look at how new you two were...there shouldn't be looking for something else that soon in a committed relationship (red flags in moving in together too soon aside). That to continue an A after seeing the pain of the BP after d-day is still something I'll never understand.

She replied that it was just something that happened in her age group. Flirting that turned into more before you realize something is happening.

Is it an age or generational thing?

Because when I was their age (she'll be 20 soon, he's 26.) There wasn't a lot of guys flirting with me but a couple of times things just felt wrong, KWIM? MrH and I started dating at 18 and M at 20 and despite his breaches in boundaries, I never thought of looking at another guy until....well ever.

Was I just weird? At 20ish years old, is it normal to take a run at the slippery slope and not have a gut feeling that things are wrong? Because if so, then maybe I allowed the OEA when we were 20 to damage me more than I should have. Maybe I overreacted and created a gulf in our M?

GabyBaby posted 8/1/2014 10:35 AM

I don't think age is the end all of this.
XWH and I were very young when we got married (18yrs old), so we were both very immature.
He cheated repeatedly and never expressed any remorse for his behavior. We were 20-21yrs old the first time. I filed for divorce in my 30s.

Current WH and I married a lot older (30s/40s).
If he's being honest, he's never cheated on anyone before. So his behavior started in his 40s.

I think it has more to do with people giving themselves permission to behave badly. Whether that's being rude online, pushing boundaries, or flat out cheating.

nowiknow23 posted 8/1/2014 15:02 PM

You were (are) not weird. You did not overreact. And it is not a generational thing.

It may be an emotional maturity thing, but that's not the same as an age thing, KWIM?

Lonelygirl10 posted 8/1/2014 16:01 PM

I don't think it's an age thing, but I do think that there are generational differences in beliefs on cheating. I've noticed that people in my parents' age range have more firm beliefs on marrying one person and staying with that one person. People in my age range don't really view marriage as seriously. But, that obviously doesn't exist for everyone. I have very strong beliefs on marriage, and I know older people who have had A's. But it does seem like generally there are people in my age range who are less critical about cheating than my parents' age range.

When I found out that xwSO cheated, all the older people in my life were upset at him. But, a lot of people in my age range didn't see why I was so upset about a "mistake."

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