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User Topic: Don't know what to do
Jesss
♀ 40333
Member # 40333
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The divorce process has begun, I've hired a lawyer and we are just waiting for a counterclaim and WH financial info.

WH was so angry at me for hiring a lawyer.
But now lately, he is being civil and nice and acting like he has accepted I've hired a lawyer and am divorcing him. But he still says he loves me and he can't wait to see me and sleep with me.... He works out of town and calls to talk to kids, I talk sometimes after and we text. It's my fault for giving in whenever he shows an ounce of niceness and not staying NC. I just feel like if I would just let go of the past and what he's done maybe we could be happy? But I know that's stupid. But I can't help feeling it. I still love the idea of being together as a family and doing things together... It's like we are friends, but then I feel like he doesn't deserve to be friends after what he's done to our family... I don't know what to do. I almost feel like an idiot now for even having a lawyer and divorcing. I feel like eventually he is going to be remorseful, but me getting a lawyer is delaying that... I know how dumb this sounds.
Please talk some sense into me...

[This message edited by Jesss at 12:41 PM, August 1st (Friday)]


BS: 31, WS: 35
4 kids between 2 and 7yrs old
DDAY 1: July 2013
DDAY 2: Sept 2013
DDAY 3: Oct 2013
DDAY 4: Feb 2014

Posts: 108 | Registered: Aug 2013
hurtbs
♀ 10866
Member # 10866
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jess, it's time to go NC. You only communicate as needed for the kids, finances, and anything that your lawyer directs you on. You need to 180, focus on you. You know that you are dragging out the pain and hurt. It's so unhealthy for you and will only make things more painful.


Me BW Him XSAWH
DDays 2006, and then numerous more
Divorced 2012

"In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate." - Asimov
"Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you." - Ovid


Posts: 15340 | Registered: Jun 2006
pepper77
♀ 42337
Member # 42337
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A friend told me that someone would only have to prove to her once that herself/their family were not the first priority. When I think about it like that (though my WH proved it more than once...) it's very clear that that's exactly what he did--he put himself over everything else. I don't know if that helps at all? I'm not sure what your situation is.


Me, 30. SAXWH, 32.
D-day 1/24/14, TT over the next month (and I'm sure I still don't have the full story. Guess it doesn't matter.)
3 boys under 8.
Together 12 yrs, married 2. Divorced August 18.

Posts: 37 | Registered: Feb 2014
Jesss
♀ 40333
Member # 40333
Default  Posted: 1:19 PM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's so hard, no impossible for me to be NC. How do I do it? When he's being mean, it's easy, mostly because he's the one being NC. But when he's nice... I always give in. I can't force myself to be NC. I feel like being NC doesn't benefit me, (makes me miserable) or the kids, (they have fun when we're all acting like a family or at least talking).
I forced myself to hire a lawyer, and I told the lawyer I want a divorce, so he is doing what needs to be done for that to happen. Even when my WH tries to convince me to change deadline dates, my lawyer reminds me what I said I wanted, asks if I still want that (I say I do) and so he makes sure the process keeps going.
But alone, with my own thoughts, I don't know... I'm literally forcing myself to get this divorce. I can't go NC. When WH talks to me nicely, I can't ignore him. I start to feel hopeful.

He isn't remorseful the way SI ppl describe remorseful. He does say he's sorry and he was an idiot. He doesn't want to get counselling or go to a sex addict meeting, he doesn't want to "be my pet" in his words. Am I asking to much of him? I haven't told him what I need from him since last October. Which is quit his out of town job, try a sex addict meeting to see if he relates to them, see an IC..... I don't want to tell him again, I want him to do these things because he wants to fix himself and us, not because I told him to.
But should I tell him again exactly what I need to stay?


BS: 31, WS: 35
4 kids between 2 and 7yrs old
DDAY 1: July 2013
DDAY 2: Sept 2013
DDAY 3: Oct 2013
DDAY 4: Feb 2014

Posts: 108 | Registered: Aug 2013
PrtyInPink
♀ 44148
Member # 44148
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What exactly is your purpose for the D? I understand that he did an awful thing but are you doing this just to hurt him and get back at him? What do you think will happen once the D is final? Are you going to keep letting him manipulate you by one day talking nice and the next day talking mean? If he showed more remorse or was remorseful at all, would you put a hold on the D? You need to think about what is best for YOU.

[This message edited by PrtyInPink at 1:27 PM, August 1st (Friday)]


Me: 30ish Him: 30ish (99% sure he has NPD)
Together 14 yrs, Married 9 yrs
His #1 EA D-day 10/20/09
His #2 PA/EA D-day 7/11/14
My PA D-day 10/21/09
My brain says leave, my heart says stay

Posts: 308 | Registered: Jul 2014
norabird
♀ 42092
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are not asking for too much.

He is trying to hover you.

It sucks, but if he isn't showing that he is changed, that he is wiling to do everything you need, D is the only option.

Don't let him cake-eat at your expense.

(((Jesss))))


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4235 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
deena
♀ 27275
Member # 27275
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jess I can take all of your post and write it as mine.
I too have seen a lawyer, served WH with divorce papers. We are in house separation so it is tough for NC also.
My mom died lately and I have to get the house ready for sale. My WH is helping out with the yard work quite a bit. I try to stop him but am grateful to be honest. It is over whelming right now. WH is very nice also and even still giving me hugs, which I let him do when my mom died and now with all the help and his niceness, I find it hard to push him away and say no.
I also have thought like you. Wavering.
But then I remember how I felt before the decision to divorce/separate.
I constantly thought of him with the others when I needed him the most. I felt used and got depressed. I can not let it go, because he did so much damage and did very little if no repair work......until he got the divorce papers.
I want to feel good about myself again. I can't do that if I stay with him.
Yes I will miss the companionship. I have good friends but it won't be the same. But I think that is a small price to pay in losing that for sanity, self respect and peace of mind.

Try thinking of how you feel with him regarding what he has done.

Don't cave into the hoovering just because he is nice right now........remember all the times he did not cave into your needs and was very hurtful.

Remember all those hurting times!!!!
And remember how he did not give a shit!!!


Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's
better to leave them broken than to hurt
yourself putting it back together.


Posts: 3194 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Canada
Oftencheatedon
♀ 41268
Member # 41268
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Perhaps you need some IC to understand why you are being self destructive. Letting a non trustworthy WH manipulate you is wrong on so many levels.

You need to understand why you are doing things that hurt you.

The alcoholic takes a drink because they want relief at that moment - but the effects are disastrous. That's similar to your letting your WH get close enough to you to strike again.


Posts: 115 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: AL
Phoenix1
♀ 38928
Member # 38928
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It sounds like he is trying to do what my XPOS did to me: get caught and be sorry he was caught, then start to rugsweep by being all nicey nicey so I would fall back in line and "start over" only to have him do it again at a future date. This is how these WS's manipulate. They are sorry they got caught, but not remorseful and willing to do the work necessary to truly R. False R is as bad as D-days. He also may be fearful of what he will lose in a D and is trying to "nice" you out of it to protect himself.

Remember, you can always stop a divorce all the way up until the judge signs off on it. IF he is truly remorseful, and does the work, that is always an option. However, nicely spoken words does not come close to being a truly remorseful WS.

Remember what he has done to you and your family. Find your anger and don't let him cake eat! Nice words are NOT enough!


BS - Me
XPOS - too many OW/OCs over 20+yrs
Kids - DDs 23,18 -DS20 Deceased
M Dissolved 2013

This above all: to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man ~ Shakespeare, Hamlet


Posts: 1307 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Rising out of Hell's ashes!
badmedicine
♀ 41692
Member # 41692
Default  Posted: 4:19 PM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm going to give you the same advice that I have received. Do NOT listen to what he says. At all. Just look at what he is doing and what he isn't doing. You were clear in October (10 months ago!!) with what you would need to consider R. "being nice" wasn't the only criterion. IC, SA meetings, transparency....those are things you REQUIRE and he hasn't done any. You said he was shocked and hurt that you retained a lawyer. I bet he was!! He is losing control of you and the bakery is closing down....he must say some nice things to keep you hanging on. Hope is just another word for denial, I found. I held onto it for a long time and my WH is still trying to convince me that we can "fix" it. Nevermind that he was lying during our engagement and continued to do so. Nevermind that he, like your WH, has done the minimum to help me heal. It's fine to delay the divorce but do NOT talk to him and let him change your mind with words. If he really wants you he will show you. If he just wants to save face or have his cake and eat it too he will say a lot of things and promise everything but actually DO nothing. IC is helping me and so is time. Talking with friends and family and having them point out over and over that he has only done the minimum for some time really kept me honest. Stay strong. Stay NC.


"The wishbone will never replace the backbone." -Will Henry
"This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible. This was terrible with raisins in it." -Dorothy Parker

Posts: 208 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
Jesss
♀ 40333
Member # 40333
Default  Posted: 4:25 PM, August 1st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for the replies. You are all right. That is why I had him served and am divorcing him.
Maybe I'll be stronger once we are not living in the same house.
But I feel like I will be miserable always without him and never be happy, right now, when we're together, in the moment, when I don't think about anything, I feel happy... But then after when I have a few minutes to think, I get hurt and angry about what he's done.
I guess I just think, what if he is remorseful, but just not remorseful the way I want him to be. Am I being too controlling? He does say now that what he did was wrong, and he will never do it again. I can't trust him. But he doesn't know how to make me trust him without feeling controlled and making himself uncomfortable by going to IC and with quitting his job, he's our only income and will have a hard time finding another job.


BS: 31, WS: 35
4 kids between 2 and 7yrs old
DDAY 1: July 2013
DDAY 2: Sept 2013
DDAY 3: Oct 2013
DDAY 4: Feb 2014

Posts: 108 | Registered: Aug 2013
deena
♀ 27275
Member # 27275
Default  Posted: 12:18 AM, August 2nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You accept what you need to accept.
Do not let him make you think you are being too controlling for wanting what you NEED!!
He hurt you.....he made the choice he made....not you!
Now it is your turn to make the choice in what you need.....and he should just shut up and listen
((((((Jesss)))))))


Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's
better to leave them broken than to hurt
yourself putting it back together.


Posts: 3194 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Canada
caregiver9000
♀ 28622
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 4:54 AM, August 8th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He doesn't want to "be your pet." He doesn't want to be housebroken? He doesn't want to have his nose rubbed in it that he has shit in his house? He wants to roam with the pack?

I think his anger when you hired a L is telling. I think his niceness is an attempt to keep you pacified and off his back. If it also means you don't keep the L on track for D, then his life remains easy: He has you to keep the home and the kids, and he still has the freedom to act however he wants when he is out of town. That is exactly the scenario Stretch told me he wanted. I gave him the image he wanted and handled all the responsibility and got the benefits of both lifestyles.

You gave conditions for R in October which he has not met. He doesn't respect you enough to follow through? He doesn't believe there are consequences for failing to follow through? He is selfish and has shown you exactly what he is willing to do- throw a few nice words and hide his temper for some texts and phone calls.

I hear you say that NC is not good for you. It makes you unhappy. Of course it does. Right now you are focused on him as the avenue to your happiness. He represents your security and your future in your mind. When you are in contact with him and he is "nice" you feel reassured. But when he is not with you you worry and agonize over what he is doing because you know he is not trustworthy. He is a source of pain. He is dangerous to your mental health.

NC is like detoxing. You find your own center and your own strength. The bonus is that when you are in charge of your own happiness and security, there is a balance and consistency. Your world untangles and the kids relax. You can see the tension and drama you were living with before and you wonder why you ever thought that was what you wanted.

If you close the bakery, does he get angry again? What does that tell you?

It is scary to take over your own future. Tell yourself you are worth it. He really has invested so little in this, in you. Aren't you worth more? Isn't your family worth all that you set as conditions almost a year ago?

But if you aren't there yet, then you aren't. No one on SI or your L is going to browbeat you into D'ing before you are ready. If you aren't ready, then you aren't. Write down what it would take to make you sure that D is the choice for you. Imagine what you expect adult relationships for your own children to look like. Are you modeling the relationship your children deserve?

Everyone is different. Your timeline is yours. You don't need permission to invest in YOU instead of in him.


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5935 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
Ashland13
♀ 38378
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 9:34 AM, August 8th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I will chime in to say this happened for a short period of time. The nice guy appearence really confused me for a time too, but gradually things didn't gyve.

When the words and actions started to not match, this was my really huge clue that things still were not right.

You see, Perv has the attributes of x in your situation, Jess, but he would go to counseling-for a short time-to show the world-his family-how "hard" he tried...but he didn't do the advice, he just learned the words to tell people and drove back to ow's instead of "our" house.

In Perv's case, he believes that he is right, he is f.i.n.e. fine and it's the world and me that are a mess. So why should he fix a darn thing, especially when OW and tribe are still backing him? (Yet are the only ones)

Apologies for the long reply, but this is familiar.


Ashland 13

You gave me nothing and now it's all I've got - Bono

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2413 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Jesss
♀ 40333
Member # 40333
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, August 8th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the replies Caregiver and Ashland.

I know his niceness won't last long. And since my post I've already gotten the silent treatment twice for him. And he is asking me to fill out his financial forms for my lawyer, since im making him waste his week off " getting this shit done", and says that "nicely" like he's not angry or yelling....

I know that I need to continue with the divorce, but I don't know how to stop letting him back in when he's nice. It just feels so good to not be in pain for even a short time that I let us act like things aren't falling apart.

How do I stop this pattern? He doesn't respect me obviously and probably because I obviously don't even respect myself if I allow him to treat me this way. He's not even hoovering, he doesn't say or do anything to make me want to stop the divorce, all he does is rug sweep and try to act normal and I let him.
How do I go NC and not let him do this? Isn't it hard for everyone in the beginning especially if their wayward spouse is being nice? How do you keep being NC?


BS: 31, WS: 35
4 kids between 2 and 7yrs old
DDAY 1: July 2013
DDAY 2: Sept 2013
DDAY 3: Oct 2013
DDAY 4: Feb 2014

Posts: 108 | Registered: Aug 2013
caregiver9000
♀ 28622
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, August 8th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know how to stop letting him back in when he's nice. It just feels so good to not be in pain for even a short time that I let us act like things aren't falling apart.

Can you think of it like a scab? If you keep picking at the wound, the hurt doesn't go away with NC because you haven't had enough "No Contact" for it to stop hurting.

I never had a "nice wayward." Perhaps because I would not play nice first and do his chores or apologize for expecting him to act responsible even if it was his "week off." Since I was so "mean" all I got in return was terrorizing and belittling. There was no "nicey nice lure" to make me question.

(((hugs))) Jess. This is not easy, and with 4 little ones to mother? You have your hands full without adding "divorcing an asshole" to the to-do list.


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5935 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
GabyBaby
♀ 26928
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 4:11 PM, August 8th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

my XPOS did to me: get caught and be sorry he was caught, then start to rugsweep by being all nicey nicey so I would fall back in line and "start over" only to have him do it again at a future date. This is how these WS's manipulate. They are sorry they got caught, but not remorseful and willing to do the work necessary to truly R. False R is as bad as D-days. He also may be fearful of what he will lose in a D and is trying to "nice" you out of it to protect himself.
Ditto this.
XWH was always "sorry"...until the next time he got caught. Then he was angry, mean, etc.
Then he's be sorry, cry crocodile tears, and I'd fall for it again.
We did this for years until I'd had enough.

Look at his actions, Jesss.
Has he done ANYTHING to show remorse other than "speak to you nicely"?
Has he gotten into counseling? Has he given you the full truth without malice, lies, or half-truth?
Has he begged for your forgiveness?
Hell...has he even admitted he did anything wrong?!

If the answer is no to ANY of those things, he isn't remorseful and you should go NC and stay NC.


Me - 42
SorryInSac (STBX WH#2) - 47. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - Done

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW) - Legally married 18yrs

I edit often for clarity/typos.


Posts: 6736 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
BtraydWife
♀ 42581
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 5:07 PM, August 8th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It concerns me to see you write things like-

When I don't think, I can be happy.

What??? Denial isn't happiness. If you have to shut off a part of you to be happy, that's not real happiness. That's make believe.

You've got to stop doing that. When you let him back into your world, you are choosing to make believe. So when he tries to grease his way in again, ask yourself if you want real happiness or if you want make believe.

Then tell him you have to go and hang up. Also tell him you want all communication to be through emails now. Stop picking up the phone when he calls. You CAN do that. If you feel you can't do it then you are looking for an excuse to make believe.

[This message edited by BtraydWife at 5:12 PM, August 8th (Friday)]


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 2572 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
caregiver9000
♀ 28622
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 5:16 PM, August 8th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What??? Denial isn't happiness. If you have to shut off a part of you to be happy, that's not real happiness. That's make believe.

Wisdom.

Going in the quote thread!!!


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5935 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
Schadenfreude
♂ 43075
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 5:34 PM, August 8th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hoover? Or attempting to nice you into a favorable divorce settlement? I doubt he's being nice out of the goodness of his heart. There is an ulterior motive here, and not one that works in your favor.

Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
Topic Posts: 23
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