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Love Yourself

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tushnurse posted 8/1/2014 14:11 PM

Ok we all know I'm an old veteran here, and there are certain things I spew repeatedly here, but out of all of them, I truly believe that this is the most important lesson in healing.

Learn to Love Yourself, and Be Happy with Who You Are.

So I went down the road of R, and it worked for me. I was fully prepared to D though too, even going so far as having the retainer money ready for the Attorney, and splitting all funds.
I was horribly codependent, I found my happiness in life, based on keeping H and kids happy. A lot of damn good that got me. A spouse that criticized me at every turn to stroke his own broken ego, and two kids that didn't really respect mom because she was a doormat for H, and them.

I learned to find my own happiness, and put my needs first. I have learned that being strong and independent, and confident is the sexiest thing I can ever do for H. I have learned that I am pretty awesome. I also have the kids respect at a level that is amazing.

Because of finding me I am happy, and I do not tolerate any one disrespecting me. I do enjoy every day. Sure there are crappy times, and things, but for me, I am happy.

Learn to love you, learn to be happy with just you. The rest will follow. Then you will find yourself doing amazing things.

((((and strength))))

meplusfour posted 8/1/2014 14:25 PM

Eloquently stated tushnurse.

The most important thing that I have learned through this journey is that my self-worth and happiness is not dependent on anyone but me. I know that I have value and that my needs, desires and goals count. Once you have established your priorities, life has a way of falling into place.

2oldforthis posted 8/1/2014 14:55 PM

A spouse that criticized me at every turn to stroke his own broken ego

This is so so true. It took me a very long time to realized this was happening to me. Still not sure why they do this. I guess to make us as low as them, they don't want to see us better than them. Not sure but I hear it all the time on SI. What a light blub moment for me.

Yes, we must love ourselves and not take responsibility for someone else's faults even if we love them.

SisterMilkshake posted 8/1/2014 15:04 PM

I agree with you, tushnurse. Many a BS (and WS, too) come here not happy with themselves or loving themselves.

Funny thing is, I did love myself. I was happy with most of my life. I took responsibility for my own happiness. I was strong and independent, too. Because of my FWH's strange working hours (retail management) I was, essentially, a "single" mom. And, FWH resented me for it.

I can remember a few times him looking at me disdainfully and saying "You really think you are something, don't you?" and I was shocked. No, I don't feel I am anything spectacular. However, I like who I am. I have worked hard on myself, starting when I became a mama the first time, 35 years ago. Do I have areas that need improvement? Heck, yeah, but I work on it when I become aware of it and don't beat myself up for it. He resented that I was happy with being me. Because he wasn't happy being him and blamed me for it. He resented that I didn't "need" him. He felt that I only "needed" his paycheck.

OTOH, I was co-dependent, too.

I found my happiness in life, based on keeping H and kids happy. A lot of damn good that got me. A spouse that criticized me at every turn to stroke his own broken ego, and two kids that didn't really respect mom because she was a doormat for H, and them.
Actually, for me, it was more just the kids. I had put up a big giant wall with FWH. Because of all the criticism, I knew there was nothing I could do to please him, so basically, in my actions, I just gave him a big "Fuck You!" . I mean, I wasn't 180'ing him physically, but mentally and emotionally I was.

Was that a total t/j of your thread? I am so sorry. I just wanted to agree with you, but to also point out that some BS's already were doing that. Many may say if I was really healthy and loved myself I would have left the shabby treatment. I feel, in the back of my mind, I was getting my ducks in a row. I was dreaming of the day when last son graduated so I could feel free to leave. I was detaching from FWH. Not enough that it didn't hurt like hell when I was betrayed, though.

hopefull77 posted 8/1/2014 17:50 PM

I was a pretty darn happy camper! I worked full time until first child born...then worked per diem on a weekend so kids were never in day care.....
spent lazy days at the beach with kids and other moms...always ate dinner as a family ....you know the drill...loved those days....still do!
I know I can take care of myself if I have too....
Other than this infidelity crap I am still happy....
But I have learned that I am stronger than I ever thought and I appreciate knowing that now!
Thank you tushnurse and sistermilkshake...I always love your posts!!!

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