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silentlucidity posted 8/1/2014 16:08 PM

I had hidden too much from my BS, I am ashamed of what I have done, I need help.

I know what I did, my problem is working out why ???

In brief, I sat in a car and played with AP and at that time, I wanted to have sex, my problem is, I wasn't sexually aroused, I wasn't lusting after her, it wasn't as if, I had to get my hands on her, so the question is, why did I do it ?

The whole situation was about me getting attention and the need to feel wanted, at the expense of my BS.

I am sorry for the way I am putting this down, I am not used to using Forums, if you have any guidance, please let me know

Thanks for reading, hopefully as I get used to writing, it will start to make more sense


tl502 posted 8/1/2014 17:08 PM

I just read you previous posts and some of your bw as well. I think you're making progress, but tt from 2 days ago. Thats hard to take from a bs perspective. Every transgression resets the clock. It's cruel to keep dragging out the process. I hope you have finally told her everything . If you have any online relations, any further contact with ap or anyone else, tell her and cut them off. Nothing kills an attempt at r like tt and breaking nc.
There's no guarantee that she will be able to forgive. She needs you to take the lead on fixing your mistakes. She needs you to listen to her when she tells you what she needs and take action. She needs to feel loved and desired by you even though she will likely reject your advances and disbelieve your words. Keep saying them. She needs you to be transparent and let her know where you are, 8who you are with, and what you are thinking. She needs access to whatever she asks for, she needs you to offer access to whatever she doesnt think of.
She needs you to be the man that she thought you were every minute of every day for the rest of your life. If you can't handle that, she needs to know that too. It's a big job. My h struggles with it as well.
Whatever problems that may exist in your m will need to be addressed down the road. Someday, that will be a requirement for her to feel safe as well. My h is working on that one. I expect, considering all the pain that we have suffered, to have a fabulous m someday, we're getting there, but, honestly my h has been the driving force in gettimg there. Proving yourself worthy of the gift of r is your most important job right now and your wife deserves it. If it doesn't work for the 2 of you, it still will make you a better, stronger person.

Lark posted 8/1/2014 17:20 PM

Maybe it'd be useful to start at the beginning - why'd you start talking with her? What did you say to yourself to give yourself permission to cross the emotional line with her long before you started the PA?

The WS can probably give more insight into where to start or think or what to look at first. But I think starting with the moment of sex and thinking of it as wanting sex but not lust may be starting at the wrong end. I don't think my husband lusted after OW1, he wanted sex with her because he'd given himself permission to be emotionally enthralled and attracted to the fantasy world of it. OW2 was a PA, but still had nothing to do with lust.

silentlucidity posted 8/1/2014 18:07 PM

tl502, thankyou for your response.

My BW has access to everything, and I mean everything, emails, facebook, bank accounts, my phone is always out on the side and she has access to it whenever she wants, I have even set up a tracker on the phone, If I go anywhere I let her know where it is and how long I will be, I even keep receipts to show the time I was there, I am trying to do things to try and reassure my BW, she means the world to me.

Regarding the NC, unfortunately I work at the same company as the AP, my BW knows this and so do my bosses, they have moved her away from my office so I have very little contact, and if I have to, it is professional and brief, I am seeking employment elsewhere but not that easy in the industry I am in, but trying v hard.

I know I have sent us back to DD1, and I know I have a lot of work to do, I just wish I hadn't sent my BW back to DD1.

steppingup posted 8/1/2014 18:31 PM

The whole situation was about me getting attention and the need to feel wanted

BS here - don't we all want that? My questions back to you:

1. Why wasn't your BSs attention enough?

2. Why didn't you commmunicate when you were felt you needed more from your BS?

3. No attraction to OW, really?!

My guess is you were not sexually arroused because you were scared and feeling guilty about what you were up to.

At this moment your BS is clueless to who you really are. You have made her to be a "fool", you need to come clean as hard as that is, or leave her so she can find someone else who can treat her properly.

Good luck to you both.

GetEvenInAZ posted 8/2/2014 03:52 AM

Another BS weighing in...most of us desparately want to believe our WWs, but we are torn by the fact that our WWs have betrayed us in the worst possible manner.

My xWSO is completely unremorseful, but at 4 years out i'm more detached so please take this as a looking back, what i would want scenario: complete truth, a non-negotiable in this sitiation. And then ask yourself "what did i do today to prove i am truthful and transparent?"

This is the most important thing you can do: be fully honest and follow that up with actions that your BS can see and track. Yea, it sucks. Per xWSO, it was like being prison. And i'm sure it is-but as actions support words,trust is slowly rebuilt and those walls start coming down alliwing for a deeper more authentic relationship.

Best of luck,SL! Keep up the great work! This is a long roadand eish you strength on the journey.

silentlucidity posted 8/2/2014 15:50 PM

Steppingup, thankyou for your comments.

In response:

I don't know if you have read any of my BW posts, but here is some background, My BW suffers from Bipolar, Anxiety and sociaphobia, we have been dealing with this for a few years and therefore I didn't get the attention, there was also the birth of our DS, please don't take this wrong, we love him to pieces, but he was 5 yrs in the waiting, as we had problems conceiving and once he was born all our attention went to him, so, I suppose I was like a kid having a tantrum by not getting my attention.

This also goes for why didn't I get communicate with my BW, I know, I should have and God I wish I had, but because of the problems my BW was going through I never approached her.

I was never physically attracted to the OW, the attraction that was, was the attention she was piling onto me, it made me feel special again, somebody wanted me. She has nothing going for her, if I was to say scraping the barrel, it wouldn't be that far from the truth, but again she was giving me the attention.

My BW and I have discussed this and have come to the conclusion that I was an attention junkie and this is something I need to look at and address, it also fits with my Ex girlfriends, I didn't go out with them because I liked them, but because they gave me the attention and they were 'Just good enough' and would do.

Again, thankyou for your wisdom and comments


DrJekyll posted 8/3/2014 06:22 AM

Make sure you have disclosed all. and then take a lie detector. That has helped my BS feel comfortable that there is no more TT. I think this would be a great step to help you.

Next you have to start your "Why" exercises.
This is something that only you can do.

you said "I wanted the attention"
so why did you want attention? why wasn't your BS attention enough.

you said "feeling wanted"
why didn't you feel wanted?

as you answer these questions, ask the next why. keep digging.

[This message edited by DrJekyll at 6:26 AM, August 3rd (Sunday)]

silentlucidity posted 8/3/2014 16:54 PM


Thankyou for the advice.

Why did I need the attention, because I wasn't getting any from my BS, I know this is no reason, but why did I go elsewhere, for external validation and the need to be wanted and to get attention, again, why, because I seek to have people like me and need that attention because without it I feel worthless.

My BS and me had drifted apart, we had become complacent with each other and instead of working on our M we ignored it, the main difference is, My BS stayed faithful.

william posted 8/3/2014 17:07 PM

Need and want are not synonyms.

You wanted. You didn't need. Need implies its necessary. Its not and wasn't. It also implies you had no control over it.

We need food, water, shelter, air, etc.
You wanted attention.
This isn't merely semantics but imo a key point.

Trying2LoveAgain posted 8/3/2014 17:17 PM

Your story sounds much like ours years ago. (MY WH had an A 26 years ago when he was early 30's & I was late 20's). Both our boys were young, so still required a lot of attention. My husband began to feel neglected both emotionally & sexually. But instead of us communicating about this, he was drawn in by this OW who did truly want him! (Not just for sex or to just have an A...she wanted him....mind, body, soul...the whole 9 yards). He said the attention made him feel wanted & so the A happened. LIke you, he had no "feelings" for was all about how it made him feel. So it sounds like to me that your "WHY" did I do it? Is simple...The attention she was giving you!

DrJekyll posted 8/3/2014 17:51 PM

SL - here is how the why exercise goes.

I liked the attention. Why?
Because I wasn't getting any from my BS. Why?
My BS and I drifted apart. Why?

And keep going. Keep asking yourself why.
So why did you and your BS drift apart?

I like getting external validation. Why?because without it I feel worthless. Why?

And keep going.
Why do you feel worthless without it?

You get the idea here.

silentlucidity posted 8/4/2014 16:00 PM


Thanks for pulling me up, u r right, I didn't need the attention I wanted it because I thought I wasn't getting any from my BS, which in reality I was and would have had more if I had only gone to her, which in turn I would have given my BS attention and our M wouldn't have suffered.

From my wanting the attention comes this devastation.


Thankyou, I have tried this and its very revealing when it goes on and on, a simple technique to take a look at oneself
Why did I want the attention - Because I wasn't getting any from my BS
Why wasn't I getting any from my BS - I was bu didn't realise it
Why didn't I realise it - communication had broken down
Why had the communication broken down - because we had stopped seeing each other for who we were
etc, etc .......... this I am working on and looking at from different angles and different questions.


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