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Can it really be so easy as....

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heartbrokeninaz posted 8/1/2014 16:39 PM

I wanted to try something, someone new? That is partly what has come out in our discussions. That we have been married since we were young. He said he was bored, and wanted to try different. Could it really be that simple? Oh and he felt like I was his sister, not his wife.

heartbrokeninaz posted 8/1/2014 16:42 PM

That does sting. I gotta say.

tl502 posted 8/1/2014 17:21 PM

That may have been his motivation, but why he felt justified to cheat on his wife, his marriage, his family and his values is where the true work begins.
The fact that he felt like your brother instead of your husband is a level of immaturity. He can't cope with an adult relationship, and can't deal with the trials and frustrations of m. He may have retreated from controversy?
My h often treated me like his mother. He would even ask me if he could do something. If I told him that I wasnt his mother once, I said it a million times. Very frustrating.

Lark posted 8/1/2014 17:34 PM

It sounds like an excuse

Possibly a contributing factor in why he gave himself permission

But not an actual reason.

As for the sister vs. wife - is that what he told himself during? In my experience listening to my husband's perspectives before and during the A, he had started withdrawing from our marriage mentally/emotionally long before he gave himself permission to have an A. Those were contributing factors. The stresses we had in the marriage were real stresses and real things. but none of them gave him permission, he gave it to himself. And once he did, his perspective of me/our marriage shifted as well to continue giving himself permission - he saw us as distant. And it's no wonder, considering he gave me/our M a fraction of the attention he gave to the OW. hard to feel close to someone when you have an entire second life that takes os much mental energy away as well.

nokidding posted 8/1/2014 18:07 PM

I think your WS is diminishing here as a means of coping, and possibly avoiding any real sense of responsibility.

Ask and remorseful WS about the tremendous hard work it takes to fix whoa is broken within them.

I mean, seriously, it's not like he fell into a pothole by accident. Cheating take real effort, work, lying.

I agree with Lark. This is not an actual answer.

heartbrokeninaz posted 8/1/2014 19:50 PM

He said that he felt no connection to me. He didn't know how to talk to me about it. It had like your case started years earlier with the emotional detatch. I just took this to be pretty honest. He was looking for someone easy and new. It is a truth in my book. Not the why but a truth.

BtraydWife posted 8/2/2014 07:54 AM

Yeah that's not his why. That's just the excuse he told himself to justify it.

Don't you think some married people wonder about being with someone else, even just in fantasy, and especially if they've only been with one or two people?

I think that sounds normal to wonder but many people don't cross that line from fantasy to reality.

What allowed him to cross that line is his why. Many times it's several things, not just one personal flaw. What he told you isn't a reason, it's an excuse.

He's not digging hard enough. Most people need some therapy to get to the real reasons. If he's not in IC get him signed up.

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