Trying to keep breathing while my heart is ripping apart, yes, because of what I did and the consequences. You can read my soon to be x's comments under mica, but there is more. Always two sides, even if mine sucks.
I am not one for writing in front of strangers. I don't think it fulfills a need in everyone, but as my H has been writing, I thought I would let you know where I am.
What he doesn't mention much is that I still love him and our children, that the closer we get to moving D along, the more it is destroying me. I have said I am sorry, had NC, was trying to love by an R agreement that he had not yet accepted but helped to write. I found out he told he AP's wife without telling me, after saying he wouldn't. Now, I am not passing judgement on whether it was right or wrong (actually released a burden I did.not realize I was carrying), but I should have found out from him. I had screwed up in so many ways already, but now you can also add over-reaction.
What he doesn't talk about is the prior 18 years of marriage, his major depressions and alcoholism issues, and my own difficulties. That he supported me staying at home when our second was born and then starting a business to help with the bills when he was 5 and that it did and does bring in money while allowing for significance flexibility for him and the kids. That in our first ten years of marriage the finances were more equal, and I supported him doing a start-up. No matter how the money and home situation works out, I will never regret staying with the kids, even though my prior career has passed me by. However, it is still my goal to somehow keep flexibility in what I do next and allow my kids to have as many similar opportunities as possible. My remorse is not about money, it is about my H, the M and the kids.
He also doesn't mention that I spent a lot of time trying to get his attention on our marriage issues, which he took as complaining and criticizing. I truly wanted to figure out how we could be happier, I felt like we won the lottery - loved each other, happy and very smart kids, fabulous extended family, his lucrative (if not wonderful) career, my part time creative career - but he seemed disconnected from me, our friends and extended family. He seemed unhappy almost all the time, although he seemed connected with his kids and sports. I felt like I had built my life around his schedule and them with less for me. This again is my own fault - I didn't stick up for myself when things were important and stopped developing new interests as they would take away from family time.
I know I shouldn't have looked to an affair to fill the void I was feeling and I know I should never had lied. I should have pushed for earlier MC, should have pushed more of a physical connection, should have.... Yeah, that and $2 will get BH a cup of coffee. I never felt about the AP as I did about my BH, ever. I let it get out of control and then when things started going badly in January and February, I could not see the sky. Every day seemed like a different marriage nightmare. The caring was coming from the wrong, wrong place. I wish I had thrown it all out then and just concentrated on my BH.
But I didn't, and I have found that I can't be the perfect non-WW. I can't seem to address his concerns in the way he needs or let him know how truly remorseful I am. He laid out what he wanted for me, and I think I was really trying hard to do it, but if am not perfect. I lost his love, and he says it is gone.
So yes, I own it, I screwed up. I don't care about the house except for kid stability and my poss future ability to qualify for buying. I want to be a great ex-wife and awesome mom. I'm smart and will figure out how to stay flexible for the kids, as they need it now more than ever. There are things I can do with my current business as well as looking at other ideas with a vocational specialist.
And yes, BH and I have been over this and over this. Hard to let go. I guess that's my whole issue - letting go. How do you do it? I feel I could write the book on the perfect way to fuck up your marriage.. No one wants to read that though.
Other WS's, how do you let go when you still are tied up in the love?