So, I'll get this out there. This shit still sucks. Also, this will be long.
Going into seven months now since DDay. So much has happened, and at the same time, feels like so little. So much time has passed since I was last on here I know I am going to forget a lot of what has transpired in the last several months, so I'll start with why I became absent.
I cut the tip of my right ring finger off. Kinda makes it annoying to type. Still does when I forget not to use it.
So this was late Febuaryish.....maybe early March (time has kinda stepped out on me during all this). She had been back a few weeks, and out of all the days we were having a pretty good one. She was even about to be away for a few weeks for work. I was in the process of making dinner and decided I was going to show her how to use the vegetable slicer. Well, I showed her how to not use one instead. It took roughly five minutes before I passed out briefly than woke up to be driven to the ER. Somehow through all this, I had the presence of mind to not get blood on my white T-shirt I was wearing.
So me not being able to use one hand, she ended up not having to go away. During this time, and at the ER, my mind was set that every time I start to feel good, something bad will happen. I actually broke down at the ER because of this. Six hours for a bit of your finger missing gives you time to think. Especially when your doctor thinks you've been pain killers and you haven't.
The next month or so was pretty trying. I couldn't do crap with my off hand. Add to that I didn't want her to do anything to help me in the self care department, the first couple weeks sucked as well. Sucked so much I decided to pull a ligament cutting my toenails and giving myself an injury that may never be completely healed or fixed. More self hate came and added to the belief that feeling good meant something bad was about to happen.
All this occurred as I was starting to exercise, do stuff by myself, and generally heal.
I eventually allowed her to take care of me. It seemed to be in my health's best interest.
Which cued the thoughts that she is going to resent me for all this. Past behaviors and whatnot. In counseling (during this time), she had said that she had actually enjoyed being able to help me and take care of me. I still hold some doubts on that.
Over the next couple months, we had a babysitter and went out a few times. We had some counseling sessions, IC and MC. Had a friend of hers tell me she thought something more had gone on with what was her( the friend) current boyfriend at the time. It was denied and we went to see a hypnotherapist to possibly dredge up some memories. That didn't do much.
After a long trip, we met with some family. The initial thought was to tell them only if things got bad while we were there. Well, after all the lovey dovey stories I couldn't take much more. We told several of her family members what was going on. All at the same time. I was actually taken aback by the support I received from them. She said she felt a bit lighter after telling them.
The past couple weeks have felt like a return to prior to the A times. Haven't been to happy about that as prior to the A we had some pretty shitty coping mechanisms. Seeing that is what we are doing, we are trying to change that. Slowly, but we are trying.
I've got more about what has transpired over the past few months, but going over what I've written so far seems like rambling. So I'll leave some for the next few days and sobriety. Which I've done good on. More or less back on my schedule of three days a week.
The only thing I have to add, I've been tested for STDs and so has she, and so far still negative. Still don't have an easy feeling about it yet. Probably won't until the next time I get tested in a few months.
Time and patience.