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Newest Member: silenceisnotgold (46036)

User Topic: Stay or walk away?
Merida
♀ 42437
Member # 42437
Default  Posted: 5:02 AM, August 2nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

well here I sit in limbo...

no kids, honestly I would be so already D as I am so done with thinking WHs actions have been loving - especially the last 5 years. I feel so stupid to have focused on the positive of 3 amazing kids of that age and rationalizing "it's just a phase"... ha, hell yeah = it was an affair phase and my spidey sense was so gone

ugh

so we just got gobsmacked by what I can only hope is a wack-a-do magistrate who ruled that children of the marriage didn't need to be calculated for purposes of CS

OW I am sure knows my WH is a mark... dang trauma-bonded mark that we just had a perfect storm of MAJOR life stressors happening all at once. OK fine, I get the transitional anxiety label for the layer 1 reason for the why... so OW says she's pregnant = she's a CL fuck so it's not like this was anything special = and I still cannot for the life of me fathom THEN in 2008 up to 2014 how WH wraped his brain around trying to rationalize (ah the wonders of compartmentalization) to me "to pretend" to her and live 2 lives "out of fear of facing consequences..." as he's told me.

Good for the OW = she guilted him to get a personal loan to give her a nice chunk of "gift money" buy herself a house. OW planned well and lived at her parent's home rent free with free childcare for 4 years to save up a good salary so now there is plenty in the bank. With the latest CS ruling =wow lookee that= her mortgage is practically paid for each month. coincidence?

You know, I can understand if the $$ was to go into a college fund or something, really I could, since she obviously was doing just fine with the amount he was paying her before, which basically showed was fair given he's still balancing kids from marriage1, our marriage and now this... But to rule that our family - our legally married to him family - "didn't matter" ?? ugh... so we are appealing and I just hate the legal system even more and I didn't think that was possible

My thoughts ? great precedent MD = way to go "cobalt blue" state = reward the bad behavior to the highest extreme for the OW who runs to the courts (of course) the moment the mess is outed and set up so that we can't have time to get an order in place to be used to offset.

My family expenses must now be considered a "deviation" and that apparently isn't a requirement to be used... merely a "guideline".

So to end on a positive note in hopes that folks like me who are on the fence when trying to manage to decide how to act so as to not hurt children while they themselves are hurting in a deep-to-one's core way I found this from a good site - we'll be watching her conference on Aug 8 - it's Melanie Tonia Evans free .pdf "How to do No Contact"

http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/empowered-self/ebook-nocontactwhennarcissistallyabused.htm

When assessing how emotionally mature individuals operate, we can accept that anyone when hurt in the midst of relationship breakups and problems can act in non-appropriate ways Ė yet certain underlying principles are foundational within an emotionally healthy individualís integrity.
People who are healthy and do have Emotional Intelligence:
 Tell the truth.
 Will attempt to discuss matters in rational terms, and will seek to return to mature discussions even after problems.
 Have enough respect and care about the other person to not purposefully maim them.
 Try to achieve fair and equitable outcomes.
 Have consideration for the other personís emotional and practical needs and will attempt to support these needs.
 Take responsibility for their actions and behaviour.
 Will apologise full-heartedly when they overstep the mark.
 Have the capacity to be genuinely accountable.
 Have no requirement to seek and carry out revenge in order to feel better.
 Realize that there is no upside to the goal of creating and experiencing a satisfying relationship by purposefully destroying the other person.
 Want a satisfying, loving, safe and healthy relationship.
 Have the ability to ask for what they need honestly, healthily and directly.

anyhow, I'm gonna go veg with a documentary or something... my life is so surreal

[This message edited by Merida at 5:26 AM, August 2nd (Saturday)]


"The Will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you."

"The darkest night is dispelled by the humblest of flames."


WH is katumus and I am not reading his posts


Posts: 232 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Maryland
nekorb
♀ 40306
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, August 2nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow. If that isn't bass-awkwards, I don't know what is.

I hope you get a resolution. I'd be so pissed at my WH. Are you having any of those feelings? It would be triggering for me, I think.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
confused615
♀ 30826
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, August 2nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is pretty standard. It is crap, but whoever files for CS first,gets more money. The children in the current marriage are not factored in. The typical advice, when there is an OC involved, is to encourage the BS to file for D and CS, even if D isn't going to happen, so the BS gets more in CS, for the COM.

It's completely unfair to th BS and the COM. IMO, it's another betrayal.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 8085 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Merida
♀ 42437
Member # 42437
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, August 2nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was counseled there wasn't enough time to get the order for CS in as I was fine to file for D and CS. WH was fine to move out - I was just whatever so I can figure out what the hey happened as my reality was not what I thought as of January

so every legal opinion = and I went to 4 before we hired who we did = told me not to worry and then when the PL ruled a deviation since it was so bass-ackward to order CS with no DNA positive yet that it seemed rolling forward that a deviation wasn't going to be an issue... until it was

had the car towed yesterday too so that was a nice bonus... ah well


just my two cents : really they need to take "family" out of the name for the court system since the bureaucrats there seem to have zero understanding of what that word means

feelings?? I am just so numb right now

gonna go take the kids to cunningham falls after daughter gets back from karate class so I'm off to pack a picnic

feels just surreal on so many levels

[This message edited by Merida at 11:08 AM, August 2nd (Saturday)]


"The Will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you."

"The darkest night is dispelled by the humblest of flames."


WH is katumus and I am not reading his posts


Posts: 232 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Maryland
Ostrich80
34827
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, August 2nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So basically an unsuspecting bs can be be- bopping along in life then boom!! Ow files for oc, money for the com is cut because the ow knew to get down and file quickly before bs even knows there's a race? So effed up
Do you want to stay? I know it would be extremely difficult not to be angry and upset, I guess you need to decide if its something you can deal with...idk if I could


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5276 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
Merida
♀ 42437
Member # 42437
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, August 2nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My sich is so complex

My sister is in our basement dealing with a very contentious divorce of her own and then one of WH's adult daughter's is back here after her mom F*d her chance to go back to college by refusing to sign her FASFA forms

so best "I could do" as counseled by above standard would be WH would leave get an apt and then I file... problem would be that in MD that would only guarantee my CS amount. Then when OW claim is in, the judge can determine to just not count my CS as a deduction

so basically MD says a guy is F*&d who cares if he has to go in his mom's basement afterwards so I am thinking - how the hey is that good for the kids involved??? How is that supposed to help if R down the road is a possibility?

So there was no "guarantee" for anything if the magistrates involved refused to be human and actually try to put people into perspective that this whole mess involves human beings - it's not just two incomes and divide

ugh

Honestly, the fact that he behaved as bad to me - as if he was a narcissist when that's who have been feeding off of him is what has me so scared = technically he's treatable but this is gonna be a long slog

I'm a fast learner but still... it just hurts

so all I can look at is I am the master of my ship, the captain of my fate

I choose who I want to be and the rest I have to put in the god-box for now

and then on a more practical note make sure WH changes his deductions and we'll just have to figure out how to deal with now we can't pay our taxes and mortgage and etc. because of MD stupid formulas that were originally designed to keep kids off welfare but now are great for whores who happen to be "career women" (sorry to all honest hard-working women!)

let's just say that the therapy industry is gonna be very happy for the next decade, but lord-willing that'll mean me, H, kids, etc. will be improved in our health and well-being

[This message edited by Merida at 1:43 PM, August 2nd (Saturday)]


"The Will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you."

"The darkest night is dispelled by the humblest of flames."


WH is katumus and I am not reading his posts


Posts: 232 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Maryland
Topic Posts: 6

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