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anniversary help with ideas and D dropped

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lovemywife4ever posted 8/2/2014 07:26 AM

She dropped the D! She had filed in May with R still in the cards so we never went to mediation or anything or had divided things up really-still lived in same house and same bedroom so kids didn't see anything up really. We talked and are holding off on that D and dropped it for now. Holy crap this is the chance to do it right. The sad thing is I have no idea what to do. I am reading still and and try to be there and help. How to help... is a great nightstand read and re-read. I have others to start soon, too.

She is on bedrest for baby still and really restless. It's our anniversary today. We have been together five years and married one today. I feel like since D is dropped, I need to go big. My cheating happened before M, not to minimize it, but I have tried to be a good husband and make it up every moment we have been engaged and married. I want to celebrate our anniversary because I loved her when we said "I do" and I do today. She has not mentioned it and seems sad today. Do I acknowledge simply, huge, or not at all? She won't mention it. I bought her a massage to get her out and off bed for a small time. The place I got it from has one of those female pregnant tables that drop in the belly area (I don't know I am a guy?). I am thinking of putting the massage certificate in a card and making her breakfast, but don't want to stir her up. BP is still up and she is usually 100/65 or so bp, so this is freaking us out. She has been saying for two weeks she needs a massage, so I took it and ran with it.

Thank you to those with great ideas to entertain her. She is getting up long enough to garden for fifteen minutes this morning and get fresh air. A lawn chair is in place to assist. The kids go back to school soon. She is a teacher, so is getting plans for the long-term sub. Baby will be delivered early, we just don't know how early. She also works for a college as an adjunct and in student affairs part-time. They are holding her student affairs job as long as need be and she is teaching online this fall and that is keeping her busy. The crafts are going over great! The kids are doing dishes on a rotating schedule. She is getting up to clean bathrooms because she is kind of a bathroom freak and no one will probably do as well in there. The rest of us vacuum, mop, and dust and anything else we need to do. I guess the moral of the story is that we have come together as a family to do this and help mama out. Does anyone know if you can can from a living room couch? She has tons of garden goodies and we are moving a folding table and all supplies to the living room to help her get that done. She loves doing that, too, so thought it would be good. I am rambling and sorry, but my head has been spinning with the changes lately.

Lucky2HaveMe posted 8/2/2014 07:30 AM

Tread lightly. Even though R was going well for us, I wasn't able to *celebrate* an anniversary for years!

Since she is on bedrest, perhaps get a book she has been wanting? Rent a favorite movie for her? Bfast in bed - or just make bfast for her! Flowers to brighten the room.

Oh and a heartfelt note/card. Apologizing from the heart. You can never apologize enough. Acknowledge that you F*cked up royally and are so happy for the second chance she is giving you.

Lucky2HaveMe posted 8/2/2014 07:34 AM

I can't imagine canning from the couch. Does she have a sister or friend you could enlist to help with it? There's a lot of lifting that probably wouldn't be good for her right now.

lovemywife4ever posted 8/2/2014 07:41 AM

She has a sister, but sister does not can. She is looking at pickling, beans, and corn today. Can those be handled with my assistance from a sitting environment? I will help, but she wants to do it.

remorsefulww posted 8/2/2014 07:50 AM

Is she on moderate bedrest or strict bedrest? If she in on strict and if her obgyn is anything like mine that would be willing to talk to you,I would call her and and ask if a short time out of bed would be ok for dinner ot the massage you planned.
If not then I would ask someone to take the kids for a few hours and then set up the table as if you were at a restaurant and make it romantic. Ask someone to be your server so that way the both of you can enjoy your night.
you can also call the place and explain your situation and see if they can do in home service

lovemywife4ever posted 8/2/2014 08:04 AM

Right now she is able to lay down about 1/2 time and sit up 1/2 time. I am taking her for the massage and she would lay down for it, so it should be ok. Obgyn said that would be ok. Obgyn said dinner out for a small amount of time would be ok today as long as it is go the place, sit down, and come home. Since she can sit up, it helps with a few activities, but we don't want to push it and end up hospitalized either. She was threatened with that after she told the dr she was taking a walk a few times a week anyways. Can you say stubborn?

stunnedin12 posted 8/2/2014 08:29 AM

Hire someone to clean those bathrooms!

From experience - hospital bedrest is only 1000% worse than home bedrest.

I agree with Lucky2HaveMe on treading lightly on the anniversary. You may be 'all in', but trust on your wife's part isn't 'all in'. A sincere note would have gone much farther than some grand gesture in this betrayed spouse's world.

remorsefulww posted 8/2/2014 08:47 AM

I wouldn't say stubborn, but more like going crazy. I've been there, done that for 4 1/2 months and it took its toll on me. I would've given anything to have my days/nights somewhat normal. I read a lot and then I found babycenter and the forums where I could talk to women in my position and other expecting parents.
I know it wont be an easy task, but try to find ways to make the days seem normal. She will love that.

lovemywife4ever posted 8/3/2014 09:59 AM

Anniversary was ok. She didn't really get into doing anything which I understand. I'll be honest, it makes me sad to see that our special day was just another day. We ended up going to a quick dinner and that's it. I had to bring up the day itself as our anniversary. She would have been fine acting as though it wasn't. It wasn't unpleasant, but we just didn't take the time to enjoy it as our day. She was able to go to dinner and take a bit of time off bedrest as she can sit up at times, so we ran with it and had a nice, sit down dinner in a restaurant we enjoy. Maybe it's me. I just felt like I should go big and it was just kind of blah. I have a massage for her, but she will use that this week after ok'ing it with dr if the dr oks it. I did make her breakfast and do chores around home. She gardened slightly for 15 minutes or so from a lawn chair. Are anniversaries forever ruined or is this something we work to reclaim?

Lucky2HaveMe posted 8/3/2014 11:37 AM

Are anniversaries forever ruined or is this something we work to reclaim?

Not forever ruined, but forever changed. It will take years before there is any sense of *normal* to an anniversary. And don't be surprised if it's a kind of *push me / pull you* dynamic. For years after there was this kind of feeling (from me which made it difficult for him to know what to do)

I am not going to celebrate our anniversary, but you damn well better not forget about it

Acknowledge, acknowledge, acknowledge and then apologize, apologize and apologize again (of course followed up with actions). That's why the absolute best you can do for an anniversary in the early years after A is the heartfelt card/letter.

StrongerOne posted 8/3/2014 22:03 PM

I do a lot of canning. If she can sit up, get her a bedtray that she can use as a cutting board, or put a board on it. Or if she can sit at a dining table, put the cutting board there. She can cut and prep all the produce, and set up the flavorings (herbs, spices, garlic, etc.) and salt in little bowls, one for each jar. That's what I do and I'm not on bed rest! Helps me keep track of what I've put in each jar.

Get out all the gear -- she can give you a list -- sterilize jars, lids, and bands as she directs. Set up the boiling water bath in a big pot, if that's how she's doing it. You could go to a hardware store, btw, and get a canning kettle (a giant pot, basically) with a rack in it, plus a jar lifter and a wide mouth funnel, if she doesn't have these things. They're really helpful to have.

The kids can help with the prep, but unless you have teens I wouldn't let them handle the hot jars or hot produce. That's for you. It would be a fun family project. She could make the labels. The hardware store may have nice ones btw.

Does she have canning recipes? A nice canning recipe book that focuses on small batches is Marisa Mclellan, Food in Jars. She has a blog. Actually, there are lots of great canning, preserving, gardening, cooking etc blogs. If she goes to she can get links to lots of other ones.

Good luck! I've been following your posts, and am glad to see that you are working so hard to R.

[This message edited by StrongerOne at 10:06 PM, August 3rd (Sunday)]

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