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Imago Relationship Therapy?

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sillyoldsod posted 8/2/2014 09:30 AM

Has anyone had any experience of this and if so how was it for you?

I've signed up for an initial couples session in a week's time to see how we get on with it although I don't know why I'm bothering really given my sitch. I'm doubtless still delusional and dependent, but at least I'll be able to walk away from our 19 year marriage and hold my head high in the knowledge that I actively tried to save it...which is more than can be said for WW... but at least she's agreed to come along which is something!

StrongAndCapable posted 8/2/2014 12:21 PM

My WH and I did Imago MC for several months. The techniques that you learn help each one of you become better communicators and listeners. You will be taught a way of dialogue that can be used when communicating. I think it would have been very helpful and beneficial in trying to figure out why WH stepped outside the marriage and how to move forward. However, my WH lied his way through every session about NC with OW so I stopped going. I think for any MC to be successful the WP has to be remorseful. A book your MC will probably recommend you read is called "Getting the Love You Want". Good Luck!

Badhurt posted 8/2/2014 12:35 PM

Previous poster described the therapy style well. I cannot understand why you are doing this if she is still in her affair.
What do you hope to accomplish if after you do this she goes back home and goes out with her OM.
Unless I miss something here , and you are convinced it has stopped, I do not see how or what you intend to accomplish.
Therapy , just like R, takes TWO to communicate.
Right now you have an open marriage.
Without consequences it will not end
Again, I may be missing something, but moving her back in while she is still banging another man was about as poor a choice as you could make.
You know that so why worry about the therapy style. You will not nice her back, which is what you have tried to do.
If you have been reading the other threads on the forums you would know that

Nature_Girl posted 8/2/2014 15:30 PM

Imago was part of our MC. Believe me when I tell you that Imago with an unremorseful WS is only going to set you up for more pain & humiliation.

sillyoldsod posted 8/2/2014 16:40 PM

Thanks for the replies and especially the 'Good Luck' from S&C. I'll definitely need it!

Badhurt - I take on board your 2x4.

Therapy , just like R, takes TWO to communicate.
...and so indeed does marriage and whilst I am NOT excusing the affair which is 100% down to WW I'll admit to 50% of the non communication in our marriage.

I don't think there are many BS on here who'd deny not having any baggage of their own. If I get anything out of Imago that enables ME to deal with my own issues within the relationship and to move on then at least I'll have gained some insight. I'm in no way blaming myself for what happened but I hope there may be lessons learned in the unlikely event of a next time with a new partner.

From what little I know of Imago therapy I'm perversely quite looking forward to mirroring and validating my sociopathic WW's 'justification' for having an affair. I suspect there may be a lot of from me in the therapist's direction.

What am I trying to accomplish? I believe marriage is a commitment even if WW doesn't. It is important to me that I know I've done everything in my power possible to try and save the marriage regardless of what my WW does or doesn't do. I realise my views may seem old fashioned but surely 'it's better to have tried and failed rather than to have never tried'.

Btw Badhurt I do not have an open marriage. WW is not living in the family home (or with the AP) as I told her to leave when I found out about the affair.

sillyoldsod posted 8/2/2014 16:41 PM

Thanks for the replies and especially the 'Good Luck' from S&C. I'll definitely need it!

Badhurt - I take on board your 2x4.

Therapy , just like R, takes TWO to communicate.
...and so indeed does marriage and whilst I am NOT excusing the affair which is 100% down to WW I'll admit to 50% of the non communication in our marriage.

I don't think there are many BS on here who'd deny not having any baggage of their own. If I get anything out of Imago that enables ME to deal with my own issues within the relationship and to move on then at least I'll have gained some insight. I'm in no way blaming myself for what happened but I hope there may be lessons learned in the unlikely event of a next time with a new partner.

From what little I know of Imago therapy I'm perversely quite looking forward to mirroring and validating my sociopathic WW's 'justification' for having an affair. I suspect there may be a lot of from me in the therapist's direction.

What am I trying to accomplish? I believe marriage is a commitment even if WW doesn't. It is important to me that I know I've done everything in my power possible to try and save the marriage regardless of what my WW does or doesn't do. I realise my views may seem old fashioned but surely 'it's better to have tried and failed rather than to have never tried'.

Btw Badhurt I do not have an open marriage. WW is not living in the family home (or with the AP) as I told her to leave when I found out about the affair.

sillyoldsod posted 8/2/2014 16:41 PM

Sorry for the double post. This was originally the third one!!

[This message edited by sillyoldsod at 4:44 PM, August 2nd (Saturday)]

sillyoldsod posted 8/29/2014 03:45 AM

Well we're finally done. It's all over!

We lasted three sessions (and most of them were not IMAGO) but as you have all rightly said unless your WS is remorseful and fully commits to NC then the best MC in the world isn't going to be able to save the marriage.

Ironically I had access to WW phone records so I could see she was still texting him despite having made an undertaking in our initial session to go NC. (to be fair how realistic was it to expect her to keep to that!)

Our counsellor was fantastic in that she quickly understood where I was at and managed to get WW to come clean and confirm there was no hope for our marriage without us having to go through 12 weeks of expensive IMAGO therapy. I couldn't understand why WW had been unable to tell me that straight, preferring instead to send me mixed messages (cake eating?). WW even acknowledged that she understood that by not telling me she was simply keeping me hanging on and was ultimately extending my grieving.

I'm dearly hoping the D process will be amicable. Last night's counselling session ended up being an opportunity for us to voice our appreciation for each other over the years and say our 'goodbyes'. I'm in tears typing this.

'If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion'.

What little IMAGO work we did do was really useful and I'd recommend it to couples who both genuinely want to try to heal their marriage and regain that lost connection.

Thank you all for your input and advice.

mom2my4kiddos posted 8/29/2014 05:11 AM

Xoxo! My FWH and I are doing Imago therapy. Well, we have had ome session and have our second session scheduled next week. I think it's going to help us to communicate better as well as helping FWH get back in touch with his feelings.

lilylilith posted 8/29/2014 05:27 AM

I'm sorry it didn't work out, sillyoldsod, but I agree that it's better to have tried and failed...you can now proceed with your life knowing you did everything you could. The rest is on her conscience. Best wishes!

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