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Just want an opinion of what this means exactly from WH? I take it as your letting yourself go and I'm not happy with you. This is something he started saying about a year before the ONS. Its a little bit of a trigger for me. From a mans stand point what would you mean by this? Back ground we have a 6 year old. I do not spend very much time getting ready to go out. I do not spend time on myself. I have lost 30 lbs. since D day. He said he wants me to be happy and spend some me time and feel hot and confident. I don't know what to think.

Well take his advice and start doing it. Set up an appointment to get a mani pedi and he can watch your child while you go. Next week go get your hair done. Same thing. He gets to take care of your child. That means dinner, bath, bedtime-whatever you would have been doing if you were home.

Personally I'd see it as insulting too but why not say you thought about it and he's right. Then tell him to be sure to be home in time for your appointments. Turn those lemons into lemonade. You certainly deserve some time for yourself and some pampering.

I guess it would depend on his intentions, and you are the best judge of that.

If he means, "start losing some weight so you look better for ME, so you can please ME in bed and look the way *i* want you to." Then I'd say he's a complete asshole.

If he means, "This has been really hard on you. Take some time to do something for yourself. I will watch the kids. I want you to feel good about yourself again. I want you to be happy.". Then he gets brownie points.

Only you know what his other words and actions are telling you as well..

If he's NPD-ish, A third possibility is an attempt to manipulate you into going on, say a weekend for yourself so he can go see OW again.

That's more or less what WW would to do me, with "you have too much work, go ahead and relax this weekend, I'm going to XXX place to hike". That half of it was true. Who she was hiking with and what she was doing was what she was hiding. Once she even took the kids, to "help me". And my kids met OM.

So do pamper yourself, but please watch out. As others have said, see his entire behavior. Does he still attempt to hide stuff? And so on.

This was my experience:

The X started making suggestions to me about making changes in my appearance, saying that I'd look great with highlights in my hair, I should wear a certain type of clothing, I should get my nails done, I should change my personal grooming (brazilian waxing), etc. I was always the low maintenance type-didn't like to fuss-but I appreciated his renewed interest in me.

Little did I know he was making me over in the image of the OW; it was horrifying when I realized what was going on. If I were you, I'd try to ferret out his motivation for suggesting these changes.

In the end, I do now take more interest in my appearance, but I do it for myself. I buy good makeup and get my toes done. I get massages. But I do it for me, not for anyone else.

I have mixed feelings about this sort of comment. When WH and I first started to reconcile, we read an article about seeing your wife as your girlfriend to rekindle the romance. WH requested I wear something besides sweatpants and perhaps slightly sexier lingerie. Since I had already realized as a SAHM mom of 5, my wardrobe budget came after everyone else was clothed and I wanted to upgrade for myself, I agreed to more "girlfriend" sort of clothing, though still what I'm comfortable wearing. I had lost so much weight on the "infidelity diet" that I needed new clothes anyway. Looking nice does give my mood and confidence a boost. However, I noticed that he was still hanging out in the same ratty t-shirts, so I pointed that out and took matters into my own hands. The offending t-shirts are gone. He got a haircut. He now knows I expect the same level of grooming in him that he wants in me. And he likes the feeling it gives him. My beauty routine takes maybe 2 minutes. Moisturizer and hair gel. I feel good.

If he wants you to totally change for him, that's not a good thing. Looking nicely groomed can boost your confidence, and if your clothes are hanging on you now, he owes you a new wardrobe, so don't feel guilty spending money on yourself. It won't fix your marriage, but it can help your attitude a little.

I love BtraydWife's take on this.

This man wouldn't even think of saying that to you.
I'd look to my own 'imperfections' first & suggest 'taking better care of ourselves' - as a team.

The way it reads sounds insensitive and a bit manipulative imo.
He's had 2 A's with 2 different OW's?
What's he doing to take "better care" of his impoverished morals?

You have better patience than I.
That would make me want to rip a unicorn's horn off.

No not two affairs. A one night stand. He texted someone else while drunk and she didn't even answer him. Great advice! I booked an appointment to get my hair done next week. I do not have the best wardrobe either. Good suggestions everyone! I like the shopping and pampering ideas. I turned it around on him and told him I appreciate him being so concerned about my well being. That I know he wouldn't want me to change anything about myself unless it was for myself. He told me that I was welcome. He is only concerned with me and how I feel about myself. I sure hope so because that is what I am going to do!

[This message edited by heartbrokeninaz at 12:43 PM, August 2nd (Saturday)]

That's great! Go enjoy yourself.