Finally we have an explanation that fits for us both, makes perfect sense and most importantly it's no longer what H 'thinks' happened. It's what really did happen.
It sits in my mind as the truth, answers all the weird questions and ties up all the loose ends. It also hurts. To me that's the truth. At last. I didn't suggest things, I didn't play psychologist. He stopped, he thought, he remembered, he came on here, he read. He came to me with facts this time. Not theories.
He did everything, including the sex, to feel wanted. To feel worth something. To feel noticed. To feel desired.
Our marriage had been a pretty barren place on and off for years so I understand. I really do. Put an expert AP into the mix with all this and a weak man and you have an affair.
He WAS attracted to her BUT not physically. It wasn't even really emotional. He didn't care about her or like much about her for herself. Just how she made him feel about himself. She is non descript. Not attractive, not ugly - just good enough for what he wanted. Also she does this a lot and knew just how to play him and he was willing to be played.
Most importantly the reluctant sex has been explained to my satisfaction and his shame.
He DID want it. BUT not in a physical way. He wasn't aroused, he wasn't itching to get at her. It was simply that she wanted him. That was all he wanted so he took it when it was offered. To feel wanted.
He admits that there was curiosity, what would it be like with another woman? It was also a chance to have sex for the first time in months. But this was more of a case of 'yeah, go on then' rather than 'I must have her'.
That makes sense to me.
BUT when he touched her he didn't like it, she felt weird and he came out of the fog with a snap. The guilt flooded in then and stopped any enjoyment he may have felt. He didn't like it but didn't feel he could stop in case he offended her. So he went through with it but couldn't finish as he lost his erection. She was not a happy bunny.
That doesn't change the fact he chose to go through with it though.
So he wasn't pushed into it, he did want it, he did chase her, he did encourage her.
There was guilt all the way through though and it got to him in the car that night.
His pattern was typical.
Cross a line - feel guilty - try to end it or back off - panic he wouldn't be wanted anymore - jumps back in even deeper so she would still want him. Rinse and repeat for weeks of alternate excitement and validation vs guilt and disgust at himself vs panic and being lost.
Sounds right to me. And yes, I do believe he didn't enjoy it. What's to enjoy? having sex just to feel wanted, with someone you don't fancy, who was dry, stubbly, rubbery and just felt wrong, flooded with guilt, panicked, uncomfortable almost impossible position, unmoving lesbian partner who never touched you and who you couldn't talk to about what you were doing, always guessing what she was thinking .....yeah, I believe him. Also, don't forget the state I found him in the next morning. Sobbing in the garden. I didn't know then what had happened but he was a mess.
The story is no longer full of gaps, full of well if it was that then why..... it flows, it adds up. My mind is quiet.
I feel sad but at peace.