I think I am just really starting to feel the hurt. Iíve been breaking down in tears for the past 2 days and Iíve been crying all day. I think Iíve been on auto-pilot for 6 months. I only started to come out of it when I found out about the OW (about 6 weeks ago). How could he do this to me again? I begged him not to do this again because I didnít think I could take it again but he did it anyway. Why would he beg to come here and live with me and then treat me like Iíd trapped him somehow, tricked him into doing something he didnít want to do? It was as if I wasnít living up to his expectations, somehow.
Before I found SI and NC advice, when he left, I was already having minimal contact with him. I was randomly answering his texts and calls and I saw him a few times, to pick up his stuff and drop off money for bills etc. He wasnít saying anything apart from it was for the best and he needed help and I just said whatever. When I think back, I was extremely calm, cool even. I couldnít deal with it, I realise now. I was better at ignoring him then.
Is it because then, I thought it was all about him and his issues and now, since I found out about the OW it has become, in my mind, about me, that I wasnít good enough, that I just didnít do it for him (especially as we werenít having sex)?
I have been avoiding him like the plague. He has asked to see me and I was seeing him when he first left but I canít bring myself to now. I canít bear the thought of him looking at me. It was bad enough when he was here when I thought he didnít desire me but nowÖ...
I just keep going over it and I feel helpless. I keep thinking that I shouldíve spoken to him more in the beginning but then I think did I really want to know? He wouldíve lied anyway so whatís the point?
I am angry with him for my DD but for me, I am just heartbroken. I know that I am better off without him, heís has loads of issues, heís a liar and a cheat but I just canít get my head round the fact that I am nothing to him anymore. WTF is that all about?
Maybe I am just realising that this is over. Iíve said it often enough and I AmSoDone after all but he hasnít bothered to try to contact me for over a week now. Itís what I wanted but it hurts. WTF is that all about?
I hate feeling like this, I really do. This is the only place I can say it how it is.