Well, I guess I mean that I'm not sure I had much of a conscience left, or much in the way of shame or humility. Lately I've (1) acted, (2) elicited/listened to his reaction, (3) then tried to think through what it would be like to think in his terms so that next time I can have the option to think/act differently. He is a very intelligent and reasonable person, and has acted sort of as my guide back to the kind of person that we can both say is a wife and potential future mother. Without him here, it isn't like I "fall off the wagon" really. I mostly stayed home, exercised, took care of the cat, cooked, read a book. The things that were different were the following: I slept more, had less of a planned out/set schedule, watched more TV, did tasks in a different order than we would have together....I certainly didn't do anything that would jeopardize the marriage, but I did things slightly differently, and I didn't feel rushed into doing activities like I do when he is around and we have a "joint schedule". Okay maybe I felt a little lazy for sleeping in. And a little guilty for watching TV instead of working on my paper.
I always considered myself fairly independent, so it is strange to think that I relied on others for guidance on how to think and feel.
I know that none of what I just mentioned is wrong but just the fact that I do things a bit differently, does that mean that I am destined to be unhappy and feel like I'm suppressing myself in the relationship? I don't want him to feel like he always has to be a model citizen for my sake, but generally, he is. I also don't want to act so selfish. It isn't always about how I feel. I need to be able to suppress my own need to feel "content/happy/hyper in the moment" all the time, and recognize what I could be doing to better our future in terms of working harder, developing goals, etc.
He often asks me what I would do if he wasn't around. If I would start drinking again, or go to bars alone, or flirt with men. I wouldn't do those things anymore even if I was separated from him. They make me feel icky to think about.
[This message edited by TheWorstCase at 10:28 AM, August 3rd (Sunday)]