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Perhaps just a Hail Mary?

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ItllGetBetter posted 8/3/2014 07:27 AM

(picture this: little girl, pouting, "i'm going, I'm really i go...don't try to stop me..." and no one is. I feel ridiculuos.
So, I know I am done, but I seem to need to keep giving him one more chance, as in..."I warned you!" I used to do that with my kids, a last chance to do the right thing 'or I'm taking your xbox' or whatever. Our bankrupsy (direct side effect of his A and life choices) was done on Tuesday, so I asked if he would be willing to go to MC. He didn't answer. We were sitting across from each other...and he behaved like I hadn't spoken. THAT is typical. That is and always was hard to take. But so yesterday he says "i'll think about it" as though I am the one who needs to beg for his presence, Puts me on the defensive - like always - my god,(because I "didn't make it nice" for him) he went looking, cheated and then kept her, made her his business partner and her baby is probably his. These things are "from now on". I really really wish I could just ACT instead of REACT and live with it. Do what's right for me. Now I'm doing what's safe for me, I am not so sure I'm strong enough to ( visualize: STRIDE right out of this marraige, fight for what should be mine )....
He's going to be 10 times madder and more hostile-
It's going to get more difficult money-wise-
BUT this is intolerable. He'd need to do so much work at this point just to get me in the same car with him. And I'd be suprised to see, even tell me where he was going at any given time. OK, now I'm rambling.
Thanks for listening :)

Ashland13 posted 8/3/2014 12:08 PM

I'm sorry for your frustration and bitterness.

Perv is/was the same way with silent treatment. I finally think it is a punishment for me-in his mind.

It's really time to do your own thing, rebuild your own life and one thing that helped me with the bitterness is to stop thinking about him at all anymore. As I can do this more and more, I feel freer. The sadness still comes but then it goes away, like a mood swing.

Yes, Perv is the same with hostilities and resentments and takes them out on me rather than telling me what his beef is or getting a counselor for anger management. He simply blames me or whoever he can and says he is fine, the world is wrong.

If he won't communicate, it seems like 180 and working on your own stuff is about all you can do.

[This message edited by Ashland13 at 12:09 PM, August 3rd (Sunday)]

GotPlayed posted 8/3/2014 12:44 PM


This is unfortunately part of their playbook. Same thing happened to me, her saying "I have decided I'll stay in the M", with a superior tone, as if everything had been my fault. My mistake was to behave as if it had. I was so focused on getting her back I didn't realize I was playing precisely into her fantasy. It turned out all she did was take it underground.

IMO, he's pouting because he never faced consequences before, and the bankruptcy is the first real consequence he has faced.

Read "not just friends" by Glass. Also I just finished a book called "Boundaries" by Henry Cloud, it's really making me understand a lot about why I was "too nice" and why that was damaging to both the M and the relation. I think it would help you to take a look at it. For his issues, read up on narcissism. "Disarming the Narcissist" and "Splitting: protecting yourself while divorcing someone with NPD " by Bill Eddy were very helpful to understand the mindset.

It seems to me he's using his anger and pouting to control you. Don't let him - know that is intentional. 180 him. Go see a L (there is free basic legal advice for family law at your local courthouse, ask around) and start showing him some consequences. Someone here said that you must be willing to end the M in order to save it. And even that is only 50%. The other 50 has to come from his remorse and willingness to stay without anger, ready to help you heal for a change.

Note he may leave you. He may not want to change. But the world that leaves him Scott free will end, and by facing consequences he will either go to the OW to start oppressing her or snap out of it. I am S (D is almost final), and she stopped using anger to control me once I stopped all verbal contact (written about finances and kids is ok and I do it businesslike). Now the few times I see her she's polite. But it took months.

Either way there is some work you have to do on putting limits on people for your own happiness. He's abused you enough.

The dynamics are so similar in all the cases (even across genders) it's stunning. That's why we call it the "playbook".

You're being listened to. And we all feel like you at one point or another of this nightmare.

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