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Trying to understand my emotions

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Must Survive posted 8/3/2014 09:08 AM

Back story, may have lost my health insurance due to STBXH changing jobs. This has sent me over the edge. At first I was upset because I have always strived to have health insurance. My first divorce, I have several kids, no insurance and was self employed. I chose to work full time to get health insurance for my kids. Right now I just have to worry about myself. It will cost a lot of $, and I am once again self employed.

Why am I crying, why am I so upset. It is because I am coming to terms with the fact that STBXH once again is not protecting me at all. And as I look over our marriage, I only remember one time that he actually tried to protect me. The rest of our lives there was never any concern for me, and how to make me feel safe. Much less our DS. I am slowly realizing what an emotional cripple STBXH is. Doesn't make me feel any better. I am still in pain, but I think I may be understanding why I am in so much pain.

Going through my emotions the past few hours, I realize that I was never protected in my first marriage either. While that one did not end in obvious infidelity, now that I have gone through this I am pretty sure he had been cheating also. But I will never ask, because we have a good relationship and co-parent really well.

So of course I am depressed. I have ALWAYS tried to protect the ones I love. And I want someone who will protect me. That means physically, emotionally, financially. And at 57, with the baggage I still have dealing with this sh..storm, I don't think I will ever have that. And I am mad at myself for not picking the right person, twice!

I accepted a lot in my second marriage, I believe you take good/bad.(except any type of abuse). So while I wasn't getting everything most people have in a relationship, I was ok with that. I loved my husband and that was all that mattered.

Not sure where I am going with this. I guess after 2.5 years I am starting to get more clarity.

soveryweary posted 8/3/2014 09:22 AM

((must survive))

deena posted 8/3/2014 10:47 AM

I am not much younger than you and I know one thing bothers me.
I feel that at my age I don't want to have to start over and worry about finances and insurance. I wanted to start enjoying relaxing and enjoying the freedom to travel now with the kids grown up.
You accepted a lot in this second marriage and still it ended up badly.......that has to be frustrating.

Don't be hard on yourself.
Just move forward and heal

And rant here

((((((((Must Survive)))))))))

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