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Dd's first overnight with ex and ow

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Numb2014 posted 8/3/2014 12:47 PM

She's 4. She keeps saying she's not going to miss me and that she wants to love with her daddy. Is this because he's always been the absent parent and she feels secure with me and not him? That's what I'm praying.

I am happier that the tension and stress and unhappiness is gone. I don't want him back. It kills me though that he's able to move on so quickly and be so happy and have no karma for the pain he's caused me. He's never had consequences. And now, my dd comes from a broken home and I lose time with her and she chooses him over me. Tell me it gets better. It gets easier.

AmSoDone posted 8/3/2014 14:26 PM

(((Numb))

Your DD is 4. Please take the good from your conversation with her. At least she feels happy to go to Daddy's. It could be worse. See how she is after this first time.

I'm sorry - I have no advice about him suffering the consequences. It seems to me that the Karma bus is very selective in where it stops and who it knocks over. We can only wait and see.

Hopefully, by then we won't give a shit. That's what I tell myself anyway.

Jrazz posted 8/3/2014 14:41 PM

She keeps saying she's not going to miss me

I have a 4 year old DD, and if she said this to me I would take it to mean that she trusted with her whole soul that I was always going to be there for her whenever she needed me.

She only clings to me when she feels scared or insecure, which is rare. When she is confident and happy, she barely notices I am there.... which is a good thing.

I can imagine how hurtful it is to have to hand her over to ex and OW, but the fact that she's not afraid to lose you means that she is confident in your protection and love.

(((Numb2014)))

[This message edited by Jrazz at 2:41 PM, August 3rd (Sunday)]

Numb2014 posted 8/3/2014 14:50 PM

She keeps telling me she doesn't love me and refuses to cuddle with me. Literally out of nowhere! She heard daddy was coming and she's pushing me away.

I don't know how to handle this rejection. I just say "ok baby. Well whenever you're ready, I'm here waiting for some cuddles. Love you!" But inside my heart is shattered.

devistatedmom posted 8/3/2014 14:57 PM

It sounds like she is really confused, like she doesn't understand she can love both of you at the same time, and that's ok.

When she gets home, tell her you are happy to see her, and try and do something fun with her. Just keep reminding her you love her, and that you hope she has fun with daddy, and you look forward to when she gets home! She'll get it. It's confusing for a little one. Just remember, you are the one that stayed...so you are the safe one. He's the one that left...she has to "prove" to him that she loves him, because she thinks he's going to disappear for good on her.

Wiserallthetime posted 8/3/2014 15:00 PM

((((Numb))))

Could it be her own coping mechanism? If she convinces herself she isn't missing you, isn't needing you, then her having to go to her dad's without you isn't so bad after all?? I say this because of her including the part about not loving you.... That isn't normal; it doesn't just come out of nowhere without reason. I'm no therapist, but it does sound to me as though she is trying to convince herself of this so it will hurt her less to be away from you.... Just my thoughts....

(((Numb)))

AmSoDone posted 8/3/2014 15:02 PM

Oh Numb, please don't take this on.

When my DGD was little (2+), invariably, when she came back from overnights with her Father, she would smack my DD. At first, my DD questioned her father and he would say she was perfectly fine and had a good time. Over time we realised, in her own way she was telling her Mother that she missed her. She still acts angry when she comes home after a visit now and she's 7. My daughter just lovebombs her now and she is ok. Strange, I know and we still don't know where the smacking came from. Children are funny little things.

Maybe, she is a little worried by her visit, it is a new thing after all. Keep doing what you are doing. I am sure she will be ok.

Numb2014 posted 8/3/2014 15:22 PM

Well, out of nowhere, she just told me that daddy lives with a "friend" and kind of left it at that. Literally just "mommy....daddy lives with a friend now". And I said "ohhh. That's cool!" And just left it al that. So it sounds like she did meet ow and just hasn't told me? Maybe he told her not to say anything?

I just keep telling her I love her and I know she's gonna have so much fun with her daddy.

He told me to let him know when she's ready. So I did. And an hour later, still nothing. I have plans too. Just frustrating.

gonnabe2016 posted 8/3/2014 17:34 PM

If she convinces herself she isn't missing you, isn't needing you, then her having to go to her dad's without you isn't so bad after all??

This is along the lines of what I'm thinking it is, too. She's trying to figure out a way to cope with this *new* situation. When my kid was 5 he had to go and get his shots for school. We talked about it and he was all like "I *got* this, I'll be fine" until the nurse stuck his arm and he jerked so hard that the needle almost broke off.

New situations and transitional times are difficult at first, but it does get easier.


He told me to let him know when she's ready. So I did. And an hour later, still nothing. I have plans too. Just frustrating.

A tip to combat ^^^this type of situation is to schedule specific pickup/dropoff times when arrangements are made. So instead of "how about Sunday?" -- it's "pick her up at <x> time on Sunday and bring her home <whateverday/whatevertime>."

Numb2014 posted 8/3/2014 20:55 PM

Meeting a friend for coffee. Calling dd in about an hour. She'll be happy-which is what I want. I just hope she doesn't tell me she doesn't miss me or love me in front of THEM. All I'm going to say is

"Hey baby! I just wanted to call and say goodnight and I love you. Sweet dreams, don't let the bed bugs bite, and get ready for some "nibbles" when I see you!"'(nibbles is our word for kisses)

Just short and sweet.

I can get through this.

Numb2014 posted 8/3/2014 22:21 PM

I've sent several texts asking to say goodnight to my dd. No response.

Is it wrong that on his time I want to say goodnight to dd? I'm seriously asking bc I don't know if I'm out of line here.

kg201 posted 8/3/2014 22:32 PM

Nope. Not wrong at all. Your DD is 4.

Numb2014 posted 8/3/2014 22:35 PM

I pulled up our divorce decree. It clearly states each parent does not block phone calls when child is on their time.

When we modify I will make sure this is touched on more clearly.

I just want of say goodnight to my dd. I just want to tell her I love her.

Numb2014 posted 8/3/2014 23:03 PM

It's been two hours since I tried calling to speak to my dd. Several texts later. Still no response.

I just wanted to say goodnight to my precious dd.

itainteasy posted 8/4/2014 09:07 AM

oh FUCK that guy.

What a fucking doucherocket.

I'm sorry that you weren't able to say goodnight to your DD

norabird posted 8/4/2014 09:14 AM

(((Numb)))

You are handling this all so very well for your DD even as your heart is breaking. That speaks volumes about you as her mother.

gonnabe2016 posted 8/4/2014 09:17 AM

Don't say anything to him about not responding to your texts. He's being an asshole so anything you say is not going to be heard and will allow him to direct his assholery at you.

Keep documentation of the communication fuckup from last night.
Next overnight visitation send a text/email before he gets there to pick up DD that says "I will be calling between X and Y time in order to say goodnight to DD." When he shows up to get DD, as part of your "bye love you"....include I'll call later to say good night.

I'm so sorry that he's being such a dick about this. Some people just have NO honor.....

Numb2014 posted 8/4/2014 09:20 AM

He responded 4 hours later, saying she was asleep already and that before she went bed, she was begging to spend the night again.

I am going to lose my dd. She will want to live with daddy and ow now. She told me herself she doesn't love me and won't miss me. I do not know how to handle THIS.

norabird posted 8/4/2014 09:24 AM

You DD is not the one who chooses where she lives. She is 4. The courts will settle custody and you will fight for the living situation that is best for you--which is at least 50% with mom. Gently, you need to work on the fear of abandonment, because like all fears, it's not based on reality.

Whatever she says, she does still love you. And no matter what she says about living with daddy, that is not her choice to make. Remember, she is afraid of losing him. That's where this is coming from, her insecurity. Also, please don't take your idiot ex's word about what she says. I'm sure he's doing a lot of leading the witness and it's manipulative. Keep up your line of allowing your Dd to still be excited to see her daddy and not shaming her for that, and you will see the dividends.

gonnabe2016 posted 8/4/2014 09:26 AM

I am going to lose my dd. She will want to live with daddy and ow now.
Don't panic. You are NOT going to lose your DD. At worst, it'll be a 50/50 placement split. She's 4 -- she's not going to get to decide this issue and she's not even going to have any type of say because, well, she's 4.

Your douchebag KNOWS that the way to hurt you is through your DD, so you need to play it really cool right now with him. If he *sees* that his machinations are *working* at getting a rise out of you? You are going to be in for a very looooong 14 years.

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