As you know, we not only have similar DDays, but share surprisingly similar stories (OW & her husband were very close couple friends who shared our large social circle, and she used my friendship as a tool to help her pursue WH).
The issues you describe here are exactly why I told everyone we knew in the first month. It's certainly an unorthodox approach, and one that is not always recommended here on SI, but I can tell you that I have not had to deal with even a single incident of the type you are describing.
I didn't feel that it was my responsibility to hide their unpleasant secrets, cover for their bad behavior, or be the one who has to look like the bad guy for not attending a party or whatever. Far from feeling humiliated, it was very freeing, and I got a lot of support and sympathy from other people. I have no idea what happened to the OW or her husband or how people have reacted to them, as I have had no desire to ask anyone about them (I have not even Googled them once - no point, because nothing I learn, good or bad, will change anything about my life at this point). It wasn't about them, or vengeance, or anything like that. It was about freeing me from having yet one more burden of the type you describe here. For all I know, people may have offered them support as well, and if so, that's fine. But I didn't have to pretend anything to everyone we knew, and that was a HUGE burden taken from me at a very difficult time. I am now 13 months out from DDay, and I would still do it all again in a second - for me, exposing the affair to our mutual friends was one of the best decisions I made during this process.
With regard to the moving thing, we moved across the country a few months after DDay. This was not specifically a direct response to the affair, but the affair made it easier for me to decide that I wasn't going to seek a post-graduation job in our city. Because it was something I had already been contemplating prior to DDay, I did not feel that I was "ceding ground" to the OW, or anything like that. I 100% considered it to be a fully voluntary and a very welcome new start.
WH was not as keen on the idea of moving prior to DDay, but after DDay happened, I basically said, "I'm leaving. If you want to have a chance at R, you can come along, otherwise have a nice life here in old city." He now agrees that moving was one of the better choices we made, and one that fully supported our R. It is completely true that you take your baggage with you when you move - the geographical cure is not ever exactly a "cure". But what it can do is help free you from situations and outside influences that are impeding your ability to heal yourself. Personally, I don't think we would be as far along in R as we are now without having left town - I cannot imagine trying to R with WH having to drive to work past their house daily
, or worrying about running into them at the grocery store. We still have to work on our marriage daily, but we don't have to work on it while being surrounded by bad memories, the fear of encountering OW or her husband, or reminders of all the things we lost because of WH's behavior.
Instead, we get to reach out daily for new and better things that have nothing to do with our old, toxic life (one of the things we have also come to realize with distance and hindsight is how certain aspects of our previous lifestyle created an environment conducive to infidelity and a lot of other bad behavior - this was a hard truth to see when we were living in the middle of it).
We also moved from a cold climate to a warm one, and I was SO grateful that I did not have to deal with polar vortex winter last year on top of affair processing.
Anyway, I am in no way trying to tell you what to do, and my viewpoints are definitely a little different in some respects from others on SI - this post is just an alternative perspective on two issues from someone who has been walking in very similar shoes. It's got to be so tough living just a few blocks away - you are a badass for managing to stay sane and civil all this time!
[This message edited by TheGarden at 6:46 AM, August 11th (Monday)]