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Ugh. When you can't shake the AP family

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bionicgal posted 8/3/2014 14:09 PM

Not sure where to post this.

My H had an affair with a "friend," one who is in our social circles and lives a few blocks away.

Very few mutual friends know, and one who doesn't just called and asked if I could just bring something his son left at our house to the AP's house, as they must be having a party or some kind of other function today and he assumed we'd be there. I played dumb - "Oh, we're busy today," but now of course, I feel obsessed. A party? A GOING AWAY party? Wishful thinking.

I do still, at this point, begrudge the AP any kind of happiness. I really do. Having freaking parties. Well -- any excuse to drink is her M.O. I do want her OBS to be happy . . . and we have certainly have had our share of happiness and parties and friends and good things this year, despite everything. I don't want those things to be denied to us and my wayward, but I still want them denied to her. I know that's not fair.

Just venting. I'd like to not care. Anyone have suggestions on how to get to that point?

[This message edited by bionicgal at 2:15 PM, August 3rd (Sunday)]

BtraydWife posted 8/3/2014 14:46 PM

I'd just tell them. You didn't do anything wrong. I'd want nothing to do with that family (poor kids) anymore and in order for that to happen, everyone in your circle would have to know. That would stop the requests, the strange situations.

You know if you don't inform them that sooner or later you'll be approached and questioned about why you are so stand off-ish and mean to these people. I'd lose my shit if that happened. But if you don't let them know, you are choosing to set yourself up for it.

Just tell them. Whore and my husband had an affair. We won't be having anything to do with them anymore because we are healing our marriage, so please don't ask. I bet you never have to say another word about it to them again. In fact you may only need to tell one and the news will travel.

Consequence of the affair. You shouldn't be made to dance all around their indiscretions. You aren't the affair manager.

HFSSC posted 8/3/2014 15:00 PM

One of the things that helped me was to keep reminding myself that there is not a finite supply of happiness and good in this world. Her being happy does not take away from the available supply for me.

Also, I realized that it's probably better for us if she is happy and moving on with her life, rather than moping around and wistfully remembering things. Maybe one of those will help you.

bionicgal posted 8/3/2014 15:12 PM

Thanks, guys.
BW - We really are moving on, and I don't want the affair to define me/us in the community. So, it is personal, and I'd rather suffer the odd moment than have everyone know my business. That doesn't mean I won't talk about how it feels unfair, though. I wasn't complaining about this person asking, as much as I was irritated at my inability to not care about her life. Truth be told, as connected as our social circles are, I hear about them relatively infrequently.

You are certainly right. I know this theoretically. The feeling part of me wants to see her hit by the karma bus, though. Although honestly, when I have found out that bad things have happened to her this year, it hasn't made me feel either bad or good, really.

AP loves a good pity party, so anything bad that happens to her is fodder for the extensive online sympathy mill. i.e. her mom got a terminal illness, so she published a poem about it in the church newsletter -- one that she knows my H and I get and read. (We've always been far more involved in church than she is and it is a small congregation.) Incredibly self-serving and self-involved. I mean, we weren't even a year out from dday. Always seeking attention.

Anyway, I digress.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 3:15 PM, August 3rd (Sunday)]

Deanna posted 8/3/2014 15:41 PM

My husband's affair was with a family friend and co-worker. Boy was it hard in the beginning to shield the questions. One day another friend asked if she was working with us and my husband and I said no. He said, and I quote, "I sure would like to know what she did to not be working". Little did he know!
When people asked about her I told them we have just lost touch. Some people tried to pry more at which I just ignored them.
As far as not wanting to care enough to care what she is doing. That is hard. Look you were friends. A double betrayal is the hardest infidelity to get over (in my opinion). It is only natural that it would irk you when it seems like she is having a carefree life. Why is in fact that my husband's OW suffered no consequence for cheating. She told her husband it was nothing and he believed her. He did not cry with her until his eyelids were shut like we did. She never skipped a beat. This is hard not to be annoyed about.

veronique12 posted 8/3/2014 16:17 PM

You'd like not to care, of course. But have you considered that it's ok to feel how you feel? Because at this point in time, the fact is that you do care. And that's ok. You are allowed to have feelings, even if they are feelings you'd rather not feel.

Have some compassion for yourself, BG. You were hurt. Try focusing on all the positive growth over the past year. There's been a lot of that.

918Mama posted 8/3/2014 17:12 PM

Er ma gawd. Are you joking??? She published a poem in the church newsletter???

Gah. Some peoples's children!!! I totally get allllll your feelings you are feeling. Here's the truth...she's still broken.

I haaaaaated the OW. Then was indifferent. Then OW2 surfaced for a nanosecond and I went crazy again.

Here's what I know....from the outside, she appears to be going on with life as usual. When I think she should be walking around with a HUGE scarlet A on her chest.

And then I read a blog post she wrote last year about how absolutely miserable her life is, all over a "mistake" she made the previous year.

Guess whose life isn't miserable?? Mine. And yours.

You're still winning bionic gal. And I promise you she's suffering, even if you don't see it. Hang in there!!!

rachelc posted 8/3/2014 20:54 PM


I'm convinced some ppl are waywards simply for the drama it creates...

bionicgal posted 8/3/2014 22:15 PM

I really appreciate the support.
And rachel, I know you are right. My ex-friend loved and celebrated the dark and kind of dramatic in life. One thing we had in common was kind of a darkly funny sense of humor, but I don't celebrate the darkness of life, or see myself as sort of this tragic figure like she does. She is drawing tragedy to herself and her family, and I actually think she likes it. She loves to portray her kids and her husband as these tortured genius-types on facebook and in the real world.

This is a grown woman who, in an apology letter to me, actually referred me to a song by some obscure group that I was supposed to look up and listen to, to understand how she felt. I thought. . . . are we 17? WTF?

Neverwudaguessed posted 8/3/2014 23:03 PM

Just because she is having a gathering at her home does not mean that she is happy and her life is good. Someone like her may be so miserable that she needs a little attention "fix:" hosting a party is the perfect way to be the center of attention.
But seriously, it has only been a year since you found out what she did to you. I don't think that complete indifference is realistic yet. complain away; so many of us feel just like you about our Wayward's AP who were once a friend and still live in our towns. I had a good chuckle at the thought of it being a going away party...Oh, if only one of us could get that lucky!!!

bionicgal posted 8/4/2014 06:31 AM

Neverwud & veronique:
You are right. I need a t-shirt that says: "Indifference and Patience: NOW!"

918 Mama - Thanks for appreciating the ridiculousness about the poem. She also decided to teach Sunday school for 2 months soon after dday, guaranteeing that we'd see her at church. I think she just wants to be noticed. And I think what I resent the most is that my/our life was generally happy, and is generally happy, but my moments of darkest despair (and I still have them) are due partly to her actions. Again, I wasn't a stranger. It is going to take more time for me to get over that, I suppose.

On the upside, my marriage is a much-improved version, and my husband has really stepped up and been the partner that I needed. There is just a lot of pain to deal with, you know?

Neverwudaguessed posted 8/4/2014 07:01 AM

Yeah, it sounds like she just doesn't want you or your husband to forget by becoming so suddenly dedicated to church involvement. My wayward's AP went silent on FB when she realized that all of her appeals via "inspirational" messages and links to songs were not working so she simply put the sunset photo that he sent her (which exposed them) back as her cover page as a statement that she is not going away. Well neither am I so, let her be miserable; let them all be consumed with what they lost rather than living a fulfilled life. Entirely up to them. We, on the other hand are moving onward and upward, right???

Summerluv123 posted 8/4/2014 07:05 AM

bionicgal~ I am in a very similar boat. WH's #2 and #3 A's were with a neighbor and a very close friend. When I step out my front door I can see #2's house. They drive by ours to exit the neighborhood so I have to see them all of the time, plus her kids play in the street right in front of our house. #3 lives in the same small town and works for the same employer I do (different locatin) but same job so we will see each other at work related things.

It is a very crappy feeling to know you cannot remove yourself from the A. Wh would go to #2's house for the A (plus phone) so I see the A location all of the time. Since we are in R we are discussing our alternatives at this point. With a DD in college it is hard financially to get up and move so we are going to wait until she is done (2 years) then evaluate where we want to live. A beach would be nice!!

No real tips on how to deal with this, but know there are those of us out there that are facing the same thing.

bionicgal posted 8/4/2014 07:22 AM

Ironically, we are kind of at a decision-making point in the next year or so as to whether we are going to move or not. We have built a wonderful community for the most part where we live, which has been certainly marred but not destroyed by this affair. I/we have been able to heal here, and I am not willing to leave in any way because of the affair. I have a very part-job here I could not replicate anywhere else, that is rewarding to me.

However, my H is the primary breadwinner, and at a juncture in his career, and our son is in 5th grade this year. We struggle with whether we want to commit to being here for the next 8 years, or whether we want to move somewhere closer to extended family and/or warmer. (We spent two months below zero last winter! )

We have so much good going on here, but would it be nice to not have to worry about seeing her out and about for the next decade of my life? Yes. However, we give up an awful lot if we move. Not willing to do it b/c of the affair, but it feels lately like the scales are tipping in favor of going if the right opportunity comes along.

watersofavalon posted 8/4/2014 07:54 AM

" I need a t-shirt that says: "Indifference and Patience: NOW!" "

Oh lordy I want one of those! [grin]

I have a 11 yr old with mild aspergers and a sense of his own correctness in all things that tries the patience of a saint, and a 17 yr old who has become entirely nocturnal and only emerges during daylight hours to snuffle for bags of crisps and to grunt at people.

Regarding the OW as the heroine of a tragedy, we have one of those too! OW worked with H. How unusual! She was someone I had tried to befriend because she had such a haaard life. But she'd already found a friend and KISA in my H. Since then she has had a baby and was off sick for most of her pregnancy. She came back for a while and was almost immediately on sick leave again. I hear about her from people H works with who don't know about the A - 'oh poor T's had it really bad, she is so unhappy, she's off sick again, she had such a bad pregnancy' etc etc. I smile tightly and say nothing. I would feel sorry for her if it wasn't for the fact that my closest friend knows her parents and the family of the previous MM she had a fling with. And the truth is..... she ain't got it that bad. OK, she tells everyone that her H is controlling and emotionally abusive but married and had another baby with him with her eyes wide open after living with him for 3 years so there must have been something going for him. But she has a lovely supportive family who have tried to help her out a million times, three healthy kids. She has mild morning sickness not really bad enough to take time off work for all those months and now she has a bad back (hey ! Who hasn't?) She is simply a drama queen who thrives on her own drama

I am a sucker and beleive me I used to go for sob stories all the time. But I have learned a little cynicism late in life.

veronique12 posted 8/4/2014 08:01 AM

If you print up some of those t-shirts, I'll buy one!

Re moving: I can tell that you know to do what's best for you and your family. But if the A is even a tiny part of the decision to move, it doesn't make you weak. She doesn't win if you decide to move, even if she thinks she does.

blakesteele posted 8/11/2014 04:23 AM

Just venting. I'd like to not care. Anyone have suggestions on how to get to that point?

For me, I got to this point in stages. First step in that direction was to confront my wifes OM late at night on his front porch. What I saw then was no threat to me....a very scared, very dumpy, very NOT willing to fight for my wife man. Thats when I started to understand HE was not the threat to my wife is.

and all the other phases that got me to the point you are seeking came as a result of observing and paying attention to my wifes actions...not her words, but her actions. I did this in everyday life as well as at Retrouvaille weekend events and therapy sessions, and a few visits with my pastor.

I slowly gained the courage and stomach to really look at my wife as a whole person. I slowly gave up my quest to ask "why" or "how could you" as info flowed into my brain that answered these nagging questions.

Caution: Its pretty sucky journey. Crass to say this...and I almost don't because it is...but this would be easier if my wife had been seduced or raped by the OM. If somehow her decision to committ adultery was NOT of her choice. What is clear in my sitch is that my wife was every bit the aggressor, knew almost from the start that she was going to have sex with this willing man.

I did other things that helped me process my pain and turn my attention to where it rightfully belongs. Like visiting the sites where the affair took place, journaling, SI posting, therapy.

But at the end of the day the way I was able to shake AP being a part of this trial is basically stated slowly turning around and seeing the knife in my wifes hand.

Had she said "no" AP would never have been a part of this mess. Her ability to say "yes" was there long, long before she winked at him as she dropped our girls off at school.

My wife is the reason adultery was a part of our marital history. It is where all attention and focus lays.

As a person with strong CoD tendencies and SERIOUS abandonment issues....this simple truth was so DAMNED painful for me to look at and accept. Just look at my early posts on SI.....


Pretty much my "worst case scenario" happened within my relationship to my wife. But I am growing through this! I don't think you are a believer, but I can only attribute my changes to God. I have seen just how weak and broken blakesteele is...and he could not do this on his own.

God is with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 4:27 AM, August 11th (Monday)]

blakesteele posted 8/11/2014 04:31 AM

A bitter person is one who blows out someone elses candles in hopes that it will make theirs burn brighter. -- Kenneth Blanchard, business guru I have enjoyed since the '80s.

"if you're going through hell....keep on going!"----both Winston Churchill and country music writer Rodney Atkins

(think I'm the first person to put those two men together in a quote reference?!?!? Its late, another restless night....bear with me.)

(BEAR with me! )


[This message edited by blakesteele at 4:32 AM, August 11th (Monday)]

TheGarden posted 8/11/2014 06:35 AM

As you know, we not only have similar DDays, but share surprisingly similar stories (OW & her husband were very close couple friends who shared our large social circle, and she used my friendship as a tool to help her pursue WH).

The issues you describe here are exactly why I told everyone we knew in the first month. It's certainly an unorthodox approach, and one that is not always recommended here on SI, but I can tell you that I have not had to deal with even a single incident of the type you are describing.

I didn't feel that it was my responsibility to hide their unpleasant secrets, cover for their bad behavior, or be the one who has to look like the bad guy for not attending a party or whatever. Far from feeling humiliated, it was very freeing, and I got a lot of support and sympathy from other people. I have no idea what happened to the OW or her husband or how people have reacted to them, as I have had no desire to ask anyone about them (I have not even Googled them once - no point, because nothing I learn, good or bad, will change anything about my life at this point). It wasn't about them, or vengeance, or anything like that. It was about freeing me from having yet one more burden of the type you describe here. For all I know, people may have offered them support as well, and if so, that's fine. But I didn't have to pretend anything to everyone we knew, and that was a HUGE burden taken from me at a very difficult time. I am now 13 months out from DDay, and I would still do it all again in a second - for me, exposing the affair to our mutual friends was one of the best decisions I made during this process.

With regard to the moving thing, we moved across the country a few months after DDay. This was not specifically a direct response to the affair, but the affair made it easier for me to decide that I wasn't going to seek a post-graduation job in our city. Because it was something I had already been contemplating prior to DDay, I did not feel that I was "ceding ground" to the OW, or anything like that. I 100% considered it to be a fully voluntary and a very welcome new start.

WH was not as keen on the idea of moving prior to DDay, but after DDay happened, I basically said, "I'm leaving. If you want to have a chance at R, you can come along, otherwise have a nice life here in old city." He now agrees that moving was one of the better choices we made, and one that fully supported our R. It is completely true that you take your baggage with you when you move - the geographical cure is not ever exactly a "cure". But what it can do is help free you from situations and outside influences that are impeding your ability to heal yourself. Personally, I don't think we would be as far along in R as we are now without having left town - I cannot imagine trying to R with WH having to drive to work past their house daily , or worrying about running into them at the grocery store. We still have to work on our marriage daily, but we don't have to work on it while being surrounded by bad memories, the fear of encountering OW or her husband, or reminders of all the things we lost because of WH's behavior.

Instead, we get to reach out daily for new and better things that have nothing to do with our old, toxic life (one of the things we have also come to realize with distance and hindsight is how certain aspects of our previous lifestyle created an environment conducive to infidelity and a lot of other bad behavior - this was a hard truth to see when we were living in the middle of it).

We also moved from a cold climate to a warm one, and I was SO grateful that I did not have to deal with polar vortex winter last year on top of affair processing.

Anyway, I am in no way trying to tell you what to do, and my viewpoints are definitely a little different in some respects from others on SI - this post is just an alternative perspective on two issues from someone who has been walking in very similar shoes. It's got to be so tough living just a few blocks away - you are a badass for managing to stay sane and civil all this time!

[This message edited by TheGarden at 6:46 AM, August 11th (Monday)]

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