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I can survive this

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Unagie posted 8/3/2014 14:50 PM

So xSO is taking dance classes. About a week or so ago he mentions a girl ran over to dance with him because hes so tall and apparently she is also very tall and has never had the chance to dance with someone taller then her. It rang an alarm bell in my head. See i told him financially living here is best for me since I am drowning in debt but if and when he started seeing someone else I have to leave even if it means renting a room somewhere and putting everything I have in storage because I would not put my heart through that type of pain. He agreed and promised to tell me if he started dating. Today hes getting non stop messages. We were supposed to hang out with a mutual friend so I ask if that was him wondering if we were still going to hang out. He says no its someone from his dance class. The answer alone told me it was a woman. I said oh you made a friend and he says maybe. Then looks at me and goes well she is more advanced level then me. I ask is this the one who ran to dance with you and he says yes and he forgot he told me that. So my heart huddled kind of hollow for a minute then I took a deep breath and shook the pain off. Its still there a dull ache but i'll survive that. My question should I just be blunt and ask if hes seeing this woman or wants to? Hes definitely cake eating with me. He's mentioned wanting to be with me. He's hes called me his girl a couple times and I just look and watch and wait because my gut has been screaming at me that there's more I am not seeing and I refuse to be railroaded again. In my mind its simple either you want me or you don't. Very easy choice to make. I know I will never stop working on me no matter what. His actions are his to own and so are mine. The conversation needs to happen because perpetual limbo with a cake eater is not where I want to be. I just want life to be easy again.

authenticnow posted 8/3/2014 15:19 PM

What conversation? You know where you stand, his actions are showing you and have been showing you for a long time.

This stops when you say it does.

Unagie posted 8/3/2014 15:25 PM

You're right AN. I still had this foolish hope that R was possible and allowed myself to eat the scraps he threw me. I just want a solid answer from him. Either you want me or you don't and if you don't then stop treating me like you do. I'm allowing myself to be treated like less than. I do have a timeframe in which my debts wills be paid down that will give me a lot more options. Folks are right if I stay here I will be nothing but hurt.

authenticnow posted 8/3/2014 15:30 PM


If you can't get out right now, you should be doing the 180, IMO. Definitely don't be having sex with him (if you are), talk about cake eating! and besides, if he's potentially with someone don't want to go there...please don't put yourself in the position of being the OW.

Unagie posted 8/3/2014 15:37 PM

I would never let myself be the OW ever again. I have detached a lot I need to do it more. Let me read the 180 again.

DrJekyll posted 8/3/2014 16:00 PM

Unagie have you read your own tagline lately? Don't let yourself be walked on. Time to be strong. Time for you to love you enough.

Unagie posted 8/3/2014 16:33 PM

DrJekyll I keep that on there to remind me. Although in this context I speak as the betrayed I posted this here because wayward hold no punches. Thanks for the reminder.

gahurts posted 8/3/2014 18:53 PM


You are doing in-house separation. This type of limbo is pure hell. I've been there. I know the money is an issue but PLEASE try to find a way to get out from under the same roof as him.

ETA: This kind of environment is toxic and it only hurts you.

[This message edited by gahurts at 6:54 PM, August 3rd (Sunday)]

tired girl posted 8/4/2014 00:22 AM

I am curious as to how he has treated you as if he wants you to be a solid piece of his life? Has he really done that since Dday?

Unagie posted 8/4/2014 01:39 AM

TG that is what I mean by cake eating. Maybe hoovering is more accurate. I was detaching quite nicely then he starts asking me for help with things i'd always be there for him for. Telling me more about his life, asking me out on dates, treating me like I was with him again. The thing is that its inconsistent. I know I am allowing this so really I only have me to blame here. As I read and reread my post and truly question myself I know I have no one to blame but me.

ETA: I need some time to think this over guys and ask myself some hard questions. Some family issues have come up as well so i'm going to take some time to really be honest about myself about where I am and where I want to be. Thank you for the responses and hard truths I needed them all.

[This message edited by Unagie at 1:49 AM, August 4th (Monday)]

Neverwudaguessed posted 8/4/2014 07:52 AM

You will get there; this process of healing wether through R or D is not linear. You have found your strength and been clear on what you have to do, and you will get there again. A step backwards does not erase how far you have come. You just need to continue to focus and keep posting. We will remind you!!! ((UNAGIE))

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