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Newest Member: Remember (46025)

User Topic: Why are there so many reminders?
Dkrms15
♀ 44105
Member # 44105
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, August 3rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

10 plus months and I still think about my husband's affair every day; sometimes every hour. How do I make it stop? Why are there so many songs and movies about cheating? Why does it seem like all the strong women and the best songs have the betrayed partner walking away?

We're trying to work things out. We're going to counseling. He has no contact with OW and even gave up his law practice where she was a partner. I'm still so hurt, I can hardly bear it. I still cry. I think I'm going crazy.


Posts: 29 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: California
devasted30
♀ 39439
Member # 39439
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, August 3rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Dkrms15))))
I'm 19 months ago and it has gotten better. Not a lot but a little. Small increments, that's all you can expect. It sounds like your WS is remorseful and that's important. Hang in there.


And remember Murphy is right. Nothing is so bad that it can't get worse!!!

Posts: 1431 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Ontario, Canada
tryin2havefaith
♀ 37165
Member # 37165
Default  Posted: 6:03 PM, August 3rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I used hypnosis, meditation and yoga to lessen the emotionally paralyzing responses to the trauma. Did not make me forget, just retuned my responses and allowed me to live again.


ME- BS
HIM- WS
DDay 1/2011
4 - 6 months of TT'ing
Fully R'd
"Just as ripples spread out when a single pebble is dropped into water, the actions of individuals can have far-reaching effects. " -Dalai Lama

Posts: 265 | Registered: Oct 2012
Neverwudaguessed
♀ 41884
Member # 41884
Default  Posted: 7:33 AM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The amount of strength that it takes to stay and face all of the emotions regarding the betrayal, searching through past behaviors, working through FOO issues (yours AND his), understanding that in order to stay you have to be willing to let go of the nagging feeling that staying means accepting behavior that prior to DDay you would never have agreed to accept, making sense of all that has been discovered in counseling and then using this knowledge to begin to live life differently, keeping the family and career forging ahead despite expending so much energy in all of the above areas is a type of strength and survival that cannot be equalled, IMHO. I get what you are saying completely; the messages that include some form of infidelity or another seem to bombard us after DDAy, but I just want to remind you that the strength it takes to do what you are attempting to do cannot be minimized. You are strong, and it sounds as if your husband has begun to prove in his actions that he truly wants to work towards helping you heal by leaving the practice. Are you both in counseling?


BW: 44 Me
WH:48
DDay1 9-9-13 (18th Wedding Anniversary) 6 wk EA, 1 wk PA
DDay2: 10-25-13 EA/PA with same OW 12 1/2 years ago for 3 months
OW: XGF Predator who never stopped pursuing WH
DS 13
DD 11

Posts: 804 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York
Neverwudaguessed
♀ 41884
Member # 41884
Default  Posted: 7:35 AM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So sorry; I see that you clearly stated that are in counseling! All good signs for your future. Unfortunately we can't speed up the process of healing; despite my repeated daily prayers for such....


BW: 44 Me
WH:48
DDay1 9-9-13 (18th Wedding Anniversary) 6 wk EA, 1 wk PA
DDay2: 10-25-13 EA/PA with same OW 12 1/2 years ago for 3 months
OW: XGF Predator who never stopped pursuing WH
DS 13
DD 11

Posts: 804 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York
Dkrms15
♀ 44105
Member # 44105
Default  Posted: 7:58 PM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for your posts.

Sometimes I hate him for making me feel like this EVERY f-ing day, while he and the OW seem to have limited to no consequences - I'm sure this isn't tormenting them. I wake up thinking about the affair! I cry in my car. I cry in the shower. I cry writing these posts. Sometimes I feel like I'm being crushed; I can hardly breathe.

I'm really good at faking "happy" in public and very few people know what happened. We agreed not to tell our adult (24 and 20yrs.) kids. None of our mutual friends know. It feels good to have a place to vent.


Posts: 29 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: California
norabird
♀ 42092
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 11:45 PM, August 4th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((Dkrms))))

It sounds like, besides IC and SI, you don't get to be authentic with your pain and your life very much.

I know you are trying to R, but I think telling people could be a very useful, freeing part of that. I am sure faking it and repressing the truth with others is part of what is keeping the pain so alive, not that telling others will make it disappear. But it would let some air in.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4235 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
standinghere
♂ 34689
Member # 34689
Default  Posted: 2:51 AM, August 5th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not to be discouraging, but I am 4+ years out from DDay and same here.

But, it doesn't hurt like it did.

Everywhere I turn, there is a reminder, I had to develop a tolerance for them, because they aren't going away.

It really just sucks, for a long time.

The first year was awful, second year was all over the place, third year better, 4th even better.

I really wish I wasn't counting the years though, I'm never doing this again for anyone.


BH - Me - Late 30's (now late 40's)
WW - Her - Late 30's (now late 40's)
4 Children
Her - Love of my life...still is.
Reconciled - Partly...she can't get over it.
Her - Thunderstruck by what she did.

Posts: 1031 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: USA
Dkrms15
♀ 44105
Member # 44105
Default  Posted: 10:54 PM, August 5th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh lord, I don't know how I can bear 4 years of this.

Posts: 29 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: California
Daisy312
♀ 36813
Member # 36813
Default  Posted: 1:40 AM, August 6th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm just past two years and I can say that I still think about it daily, but I don't cry as much. Ive been able to control a lot of triggers, but I still think about the A when I see the triggers. I keep hoping it will get better because idk if I can get past this but I really really want to! Good luck to you. Wish I had a cure all but I don't. :(

Posts: 284 | Registered: Sep 2012
takingitdaybyday
♀ 44259
Member # 44259
Default  Posted: 1:55 AM, August 6th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why is cheating everywhere? It is so frustrating I agree that every movie, song, television show, celebrity gossip is all about cheating and it just cuts so deep. Even I find that I am sitting at a restaurant and these girls behind me were talking to each other about how horrible it was that a girl they knew stayed with her bf when he cheated. I almost cried. They have no idea how hard it is, and how easy it is to say "i'd never stay with that person".. you never know. I truly didn't think I'd be here either.. but look here I am.

I am less time in then you as my DDay was only 5 months ago - but I try not to think about it. If I do start I remind myself that he is here with me and he could've just left. It would've been a lot easier for him, but he stayed. I can totally understand though - even a song comes on and I start crying.. or we will be having a good moment together and I all of a sudden I remember he cheated on me. He left me while I was working or at home and went to be with the OW. It breaks my heart every time. Why I try not to think about it - and focus on the positive and the future. Take it day by day and hope the time you think about it gets farther and farther apart.. that's what I am hoping. :)


Posts: 18 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Canada
Topic Posts: 11

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