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HeBrokeVows posted 8/3/2014 16:44 PM

The kids and I just got back from out of town this afternoon. I informed WH almost two months ago and asked him of he wanted to see them today or do a makeup. He said he would do a makeup dinner during the week. I get an email this morning asking if he was going to see the kids today upon my return. I reminded him of his response. He was fine with that.

Well my son has been missing his dad and asked to call him. Of course I won't deprive him of his dad and when he wants to call I let him. He was tearful and when they hung up WH texts that he can come take the kids for dinner. I said no, they aren't expecting him. They know next visit is Wednesday. And he says I'm sure they want to see me. I said schedule, predictability is in their best interest and you need to schedule in advance after all, you've had a few months.

I did the right thing right? I don't want my son to learn if he cries for dad then he will just show up. Also, he can't just ignore boundaries. It's not in their best interest right? I feel so guilty.

[This message edited by HeBrokeVows at 4:46 PM, August 3rd (Sunday)]

peridot posted 8/3/2014 17:15 PM

You did the right thing and you are correct. They need to adjust and they will get there eventually.

wontdefineme posted 8/3/2014 17:19 PM

Since it was his turn and they both want to seen each other, I would let them visit. Otherwise you end up being the bad guy. I didn't have to deal with visitation, but school is about to start and won't visits be a little more rigid.

Let your son know of the accommodation and ,make sure dad knows this is not the norm. Just my point of view. I don't know how it will bite you or your son's age, but maybe it will give you a break to get ready for the week ahead. But only you know the dynamics.

nekorb posted 8/3/2014 17:20 PM

For myself...

I think if my kid were crying over wanting to see the other parent, it's a Sunday, nothing else is going on, I would have let them go in addition to the already scheduled Wednesday.

Not saying your way was wrong, but I think it would have shown good spirit on your part.

What would you have wanted your ex to do if the situation were reversed?

HeBrokeVows posted 8/3/2014 17:30 PM

We are still early in the game. We just have interim visitation set for 2 hrs wed night and 5 hours on either sat or sun. but I will have full physical and legal custody. He lives 1 1/2 hr away in the state he works in. Actually, we don't know where he lives, he won't tell us. If he had joint I may have actually done it. He walked out on us and its been a big adjustment. So I didn't want to give the kids more than what's to be expected. Yes it was his day but he forfeited it. So therefore I left our vacation late today and let them stay up late last night.

No, I don't want to be the bad guy. I didn't walk out on my kids or fuck someone else yet I feel like shit every day. I'm raising these kids and all I can do is think about their best interest. I don't know what that is anymore. I am so confused.

[This message edited by HeBrokeVows at 5:30 PM, August 3rd (Sunday)]

debbysbaby posted 8/3/2014 17:32 PM

I would allow the visit. I have been in this situation and I was flexible. Had I not been flexible it would have come back to bite me on the rear. There will come a time you need him to be flexible for you or want him to be, and trust me, if you're not this time he will do the same to you.

HeBrokeVows posted 8/3/2014 17:59 PM

Well then I guess I'm wrong. I love feeling like shit on top of already feeling like shit. My son wasn't asking to see him because he knew next visit is Wednesday. That's how it works with four year olds. Schedule is everything and I thought changing it at the last minute would give the wrong impression to my son. Trust me, I could use the break but I was trying for my kids' best interest in the long run. I'm not keeping him from them. He's an ass that specifically said "I don't want this anymore" when he walked out. I put the visitation in place.

Never mind. In having a horrible day and now venting. Sorry.

gonnabe2016 posted 8/3/2014 18:09 PM

There really is no *right* answer at this point for you. Either decision is fine, imo. Don't beat yourself up about it. (Fwiw, I would have handled the situation exactly as you did.)

ChoosingHope posted 8/3/2014 19:16 PM

We just have interim visitation set for 2 hrs wed night and 5 hours on either sat or sun. but I will have full physical and legal custody. He lives 1 1/2 hr away in the state he works in. Actually, we don't know where he lives, he won't tell us.

These details change everything. They also describe my situation at the beginning, including the "ax murderer visitation schedule" and the fact that I didn't know where my EX was living.

I would have done exactly what you did.

After three years of fighting my EX, and always trying to do the right thing and giving into his demands and changes, I would DEFINITELY do what you did.

So don't worry. You do want to create a record of appearing reasonable and flexible though, so be sure to document any future efforts in writing!

Good luck, and please don't feel guilty. You did nothing wrong. You did not walk out on your child. Your EX did.

BtraydWife posted 8/3/2014 19:24 PM

You did exactly what you should have done.

If he lives 1 1/2 hours away and only gets 2-5 hours with them, where does he take them?

DMS88 posted 8/3/2014 19:24 PM

Why is he keeping his home address secret? That would make me feel very uncomfortable. If he did bring the kids back to his home you wouldn't be able to tell the police where he lives so they could retrieve them. That just seems odd.

Mochagurl posted 8/3/2014 19:49 PM

It's hard to say no to a sweet little boy crying because he wants to see Daddy. I know how hard it is to see our children want to see the person who has changed the entire family dynamics without letting anyone else in the family in on his plans.
I would have probably done what you did Nd say no. First off he is far away. Would he drive to where you live and take them somewhere in the area?
You and the kids are recovering from a weekend away. That makes it hard on them and they need the down time. Let them relax and they will see him on Wednesday. .because of the weekend away, that might be why your son took this so hard today.
You are doing the best you can and thinking about what is best for the kids. Something their dad said he didn't want to do anymore.
By tomorrow your son may not even reminder this situation.
Take care and relax yourself. A nice glass of red wine sounds delisous!

ChoosingHope posted 8/3/2014 19:50 PM

Why is he keeping his home address secret? That would make me feel very uncomfortable. If he did bring the kids back to his home you wouldn't be able to tell the police where he lives so they could retrieve them. That just seems odd.

Unfortunately this happens. They don't want want their wives showing up at OW's house, or wherever they are living. There's really very little you can do about it.

(((HeBrokeVows))), I will say that the judge didn't like that my ex did this. Not that it made much of a difference in the end though.

HeBrokeVows posted 8/3/2014 20:22 PM

Thanks everyone. I do feel better. I don't have any close friends divorced with young kids like this to call in crisis.

To answer some questions, he picks the kids up and takes them out around our area for the day. It's actually hard on them because lots of times they'd rather be relaxing at home and for five hours on a weekend it's go go go. Like another person says, I can't do anything about it with him not having an address. He doesn't want me I'm sure showing up where OW lives. As if googled didn't tell me lol. Anyway, he even put a po box on his financials. I couldn't believe it. By doing all this he knows he loses rights to them and will never get over nights. As he said when he left "I don't want this anymore". Sure he may feel bad to hear his son crying. But this is what he wanted. So the visitation doesn't include taking the kids far. Just local.

My son wasn't crying for him to come see him. Sadly, he knows daddy only comes on set schedule and he never asks for more. He just missed him. We came out of a fun family weekend and there were other dads around. Maybe that made him sad as well.

Nature_Girl posted 8/3/2014 21:25 PM

My ex also pulled the "I don't want to tell you where I live" nonsense during the divorce. And yes, he claimed his PO box was his residence. And yes, he took the kids to his actual residence. We had to compel him to provide his actual street address, and he resisted for some unknown reason. Then he moved and again didn't tell me, made the kids keep it a secret from me, and only after one of my children started crying and was having nightmares from keeping secrets & lying to me did I find out that he'd moved.

There truly are evil dirtbags that do not deserve their children's love.

homewrecked2011 posted 8/3/2014 23:33 PM

I think you did the right thing...

It really does get easier on everyone as they learn the routine. Hopefully he'll keep coming to see them,,, mine have seen their Dad only 2x in 6 weeks. We used to have a schedule, but he realized I was going out enjoying country-western line dancing lessons when they were with him,,,so he backed off of getting them... I guess that's why...

homewrecked2011 posted 8/3/2014 23:34 PM

They also describe my situation at the beginning, including the "ax murderer visitation schedule"

What is this????

ChoosingHope posted 8/3/2014 23:43 PM

They also describe my situation at the beginning, including the "ax murderer visitation schedule"
What is this????

Oh, it's my attorneys' favorite expression. Where I live EVERYONE gets joint physical 50-50 custody, even drug dealers and wife beaters. So, when you get only "every other weekend" or "every other weekend plus one weeknight" it's called ax-murderer custody by all the divorce attorneys!

Also, what HeBrokeVows described as her current schedule (evening plus 5 hours on alternating weekends) is how some women (or men of course!) are advised to set up the visitation schedule when their spouses do crazy things like leave and refuse to give an address. Ditto if they are alcoholics or abusers, or dangerous in other ways. My ex had this visitation schedule for three years until our trial last month.

(My children told me today that they want it to go back to this schedule. Poor kiddies.)

HeBrokeVows, you sound very strong. Way strong than me when I started this journey.


ChoosingHope posted 8/3/2014 23:45 PM

We used to have a schedule, but he realized I was going out enjoying country-western line dancing lessons when they were with him,,,so he backed off of getting them... I guess that's why...

It took me three years here on SI to absorb this message. I pray it works for me and all the newbies here. I will try my hardest to follow it.

HeBrokeVows posted 8/4/2014 00:16 AM

Choosinghope, my strength comes from others in all honesty. I look at those that have gone before me (SI and a few friends) and the professionals. I feel like I'm in a 12 step program sometimes and I'm in the first step. I need others to carry me through!

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