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How did it take for your to decide whether you want R or D

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LetItGo2014 posted 8/3/2014 18:12 PM

Dday was June 23, 2014. Still in limbo and don't know what future holds.

Wondering anyone here can shed some light. How long did it take for you to decide whether you wanna R or D? What makes you to R or D?

thanks much.

I am very confused and lost now. Limbo is the worst place to be.

suckstobeme posted 8/3/2014 18:22 PM

I actually didn't have much choice. ExWH refused a divorce at first and did nothing to move it forward. At the same time, he was doing nothing to try to R. He kept us stuck in that hell and so the only decision for me was to D.

I don't know your story, but your DDay was very recent. What is your wh doing to R? Is he remorseful?

Blackhair posted 8/3/2014 18:26 PM

I am 1.5 years out from DD.

WS would love to have two women in his life. But you have to make a choice for yourself.
First of all there is no need to rush to make any decision if you are not sure, take you time. But you need to do the 180. Also some consuling. Never try to be overly nice to him.

WS need to show true remorse and willing to do whatever it take to help you heal. Like stop contact with ow, give you access to his email or phone, etc.

I stayed in the same house for 6 months, watching WS texting OW day and night, sent OW money or applying her to visit in Canadian.

He lived in a totally different world, but not ready to do anything with me, so I decided to file for D, but we still manage to get Separation agreement done in an amicable way.

Good luck!

Gemini71 posted 8/3/2014 18:43 PM

One day after D-Day #1, I decided I wanted to R. We had a lot of good in our 18 year marriage to fight for. Dipshit had been doing Craig's List encounters, so there wasn't an emotional attachment to a particular OW. Then D-Day #2 came around a week later. At that point I was done.

It's not that he had done anything else since D-Day #1, I just found out more of what had happened. Dipshit had slept with my BFF of 30+ years. They weren't in 'Lurve', it was just 'physical'. It was the depth of betrayal and disrespect for me that just made R impossible. I had found my 'deal breaker.'

Only you know when you've reached your deal breaker. It could be the first instance of infidelity, it could be after months of false R, or you my never reach it if your WS is remorseful. Good luck.

[This message edited by Gemini71 at 6:45 PM, August 3rd (Sunday)]

LetItGo2014 posted 8/3/2014 18:58 PM

there is an OC involved. I still love him and we have a baby together. but with the OC, I don't know if I should D or R. so confused.

Phoenix1 posted 8/3/2014 19:13 PM

Having an OC in the mix adds to the complexity (see my signature line below ). Some can accept them in their lives, some cannot. As was mentioned, only you know at what point you reach your limit. It is different for everyone. Infidelity was a deal breaker for me, and OCs were just more shit added to my shit sandwich.

Post here with your thoughts as many of us have BTDT and we might help you process through your thoughts. IC is a good option for some as well. You are still VERY early. Take your time, but don't tell your WS if you start to move in the D direction. Get your ducks in a row first.

Ask yourself: Is there anything he can do to make me want to R with him? Will he do it and demonstrate (through actions, not words) true remorse as opposed to regret for being caught?

I am sorry you are finding yourself here, but this is a great group of people.

Forged1 posted 8/3/2014 19:15 PM

There would have been an OC in my case. Five minutes after the A was revealed, she also revealed the fact thst she was miscarrying OC.

That's the main reason she wasn't thrown out on her ear on Dday. And that's the reason a sort of R/'not divorcing' state of affairs took place in the four weeks post Dday. My intention was to let her recover and then see where we were at that point. However, she took off about four weeks post Dday and that is pretty much that.

I'm looking forward to D and moving on.

healingroad posted 8/3/2014 19:20 PM

Limbo most definitely does suck, it's just horrible. I spent a long time there.

Immediately after my first d-day I was determined to R. Unfortunately it was a false R and so didn't go well. After d-day #2, for me the question was, how long could I sustain limbo while waiting to see if R looked safe, viable, etc. After several rounds of trickle truth and no real progress I gave up. It was about three months between the end of false R and the decision to D.

ButterflyGirl posted 8/3/2014 19:36 PM

One month after D-day, while in shock and trying to figure out what happened, I learned he had involved the children in his affair, bringing them to spend time with OW and her son, and forcing my sons to lie to me about where they had been and who they had been with.

We separated pretty much immediately. Do not pass GO. Do not collect $200. That was my dealbreaker, and I filed for divorce less than a month later..

Involving the kids was a complete dealbreaker for me, and nothing would ever EVER make me change my mind about divorcing him. I will never forgive him for that..

I feel rather lucky I found a dealbreaker so quickly. So many people stay in limbo for so long, maybe not even realizing yet that there is a dealbreaker in there.. Just waiting for a TT bomb to hit.. This shit is so unfair

[This message edited by ButterflyGirl at 7:43 PM, August 3rd (Sunday)]

DepressedDaddy posted 8/3/2014 19:42 PM

I hated living in limboland, where my STBXWW was mayor. I feel your pain. Regarding your question, it really is a personal decision, but I will tell you what my IC told me.

Everyday ask yourself this question...what percentage of me wants to stay and what percentage of me wants to go? You will notice trends starting to emerge. You might want to stay 80% and go 20% for a few days in a row, then it might be 90/10, then drop to 70/30. Once you see those percentages dip below 50/50 and reside there for a while (a week or two), you need to really consider D. I did this over a 6 week period and then it showed itself to me. I wanted to be out of my relationship more than I wanted to fight for it. I told my WW that I wanted to S to see if she had any fight left in her. Three days later she reengaged in another PA with the MOM. That sealed the deal for me and gave me my answer.

You will know when it is time to pull the plug, but you even asking the question says a lot about where you are right now.

Stay strong!

SusanR posted 8/3/2014 20:10 PM

We've had 3 Ddays and I still hope to R. WH says he now knows he has a sexual addiction and is in counseling for it. He goes to a men's addiction support group once a week, too.

We've been living separate for over a year. I told him I won't R until I can trust him, again. I have no idea how long that will be, if ever. He really seems to be trying but he still isn't completely honest and transparent with me so the trust has not returned.

My friends tell me I am wasting my time but I don't want to give up yet. An 18 year marriage is at stake. I keep telling myself I don't have to decide today. I think I'll know if/when to throw in the towel.

[This message edited by SusanR at 8:11 PM, August 3rd (Sunday)]

ISurrender posted 8/3/2014 21:57 PM

As has been said before, living in Limbo is it's own little hell.

For me it was over 9 months long. We didn't talk about her A or about us or anything. While we slept in different rooms, everything else returned to this sick normality. To my STBXWW, It was a business relationship that she used and just waited me out. valentines day was hard for me. I broke down that night and got angry and forced her to talk a bit. nothing came of it and we settled down to sick normality again.

I finally broke on our wedding anniversary. she treated me and the day as if it was nothing. at the end of it I was so strung out with nerves and anger that I couldn't go to bed without confronting her. I asked if she knew what the day was, and she said yes but didn't want to signify it. The following business day I went to my L and filed. I'm done.

IMHO, Limbo is time we BS inflict on ourselves. If there isn't near immediate regret and remorse, there likely never will be. We just kid ourselves and allow Limbo to wear us away physically and emotionally. But we all have out breaking points and I hope and pray yours comes sooner than mine did.

Just know we have all BTDT and respect you for what you are enduring. It's a crucible from which better metal will come.

sodamnlost posted 8/3/2014 22:13 PM

Almost two damn years ;( two years of repeated false R, more cheating, lying, backstabbing etc. I woke up one day and literally was just DONE. I didn't plan it, it just happened. As the words "you do not have a home to come home to (he was at work), find somewhere else to live, your never stepping foot in my house again" came out, I knew I crossed over to the light side and they had WAYYYY better cookies.

I wish I had kicked him out and filed on Dday. Maybe he could have gotten his act together, maybe not. Either way I would have been better off.

To each his own but if I could re-do my life, I wouldn't still be married to him.

kg201 posted 8/3/2014 22:19 PM

As you hear from all of these stories there are different triggers that let a BS know it is time and there is no R possible.

For me it was two months after Dday. I offered R to my X, but her lack of remorse was what swayed me. Her telling me that ten years of caring for her through her cancer meant nothing to her was the final trigger. I went out and began to fill out the D paperwork the next day.

Sleepingbeauty posted 8/4/2014 10:00 AM

As soon as told me he might have a future with OW. I was done and the thing he has donce since then have convince me I made the correct choice.

Williesmom posted 8/4/2014 12:44 PM

2 years after the first D-Day, when the thought of living alone for the rest of my life was more palatable than the thought of spending one more second living with him.

It's been 6 years since my divorce, and I don't regret that decision at all.

LetItGo2014 posted 8/4/2014 17:43 PM

thanks everyone for sharing your stories.

We have a one year old together. I had fertility problems. We tried years and finally got the son through IVF. I'm devastated when I learned that he got OW pregnant and OC is 6 months old now.

This is like an ultimate betrayal. I still love him and I don't think I can raise my child without him. I also don't want to leave because I don't want him to go back to OW and the OC, but i don't know how I can stay while there is an OC, a constant reminder of his affair. I want him to have nothing to do with OW and OC. He said he is done with OW and OC, but I caught him testing with OW after D-day.

He seems remorseful, and said sorry and wanted to work on our M, and even suggested MC, but he refused to tell me all the details about the OW and the affairs. I found who OW is after weeks of digging online. She is younger than me.

I want to fight for my M because I can't stand the thought of letting the OW to have him. My emotions is all over the places. I don't know if I can trust him any more, and if I the marriage is worth saving. I just don't want the OW and OC to have him. I am torn. Sorry for my rambling. I can not think straight

ButterflyGirl posted 8/4/2014 18:16 PM

Man, girl, you are in such a shit hole right now

Have you been in the OC I Can Relate forum? Maybe there would be people there that can help you.

I think for me, an OC would have been a dealbreaker. It's a lifetime sentence, and there's an innocent child in there that will probably want to know their father, and now your husband may have some responsibility to him/her. I know you just wish the OC could disappear, but he/she just can't

I can only think to say that I don't really agree with staying just so OW can't have him. As you've already found out, he's content to have both of you. That's what he wants. And from here, it looks like a neverending struggle for you..

I don't know how people make it with an OC, but continually crossing boundaries by having communications with OW when you've expressively called it a boundary does not bode well for you..

Either he's willing to follow the new rules in town, or he's not. This is his decision.

Either you're willing to share him, or you're not. This is your decision.

[This message edited by ButterflyGirl at 6:19 PM, August 4th (Monday)]

justme1264 posted 8/4/2014 18:52 PM

The decision to R was immediate for me. This wasn't a hard decision for me, personally. I loved my wife, and this meant loving her regardless of if she deserved it or not.

However, the hard part was forcing the divorce and filling myself after my wife kept me in limbo. THIS was not easy. But, it was necessary. She was cake eating. She would say she didn't want R, wanted a D, and was going to file. But, always had an excuse why she didn't go down and file. We stay separated and I stayed in limbo. Even after I filed she attempted false R. In the end, I stuck with the choice to D after discovering her R was false.

My biggest advice for you is to figure out what you want and what you are willing to go through. No one knows your spouse better than you (despite their betrayal). Take your time... you don't have to make a decision now. This stuff isn't easy.

Limbo SUUUUUUCKS. I was there, off and on, for over a year. Absolute hell. But it is necessary in order to make the choice that's best for you, and the one you will not end up regretting. My heart goes out to you.


[This message edited by justme1264 at 6:54 PM, August 4th (Monday)]

LookingforLove posted 8/4/2014 20:17 PM

Only you can decide how long you will hang in there and what you will or wont take.
Having an OC from the beginning would have been a deal breaker for me. Granted, I hung in there for 6 years after the initial dday but ended up filing anyway. If you are still married when OC is born and she goes after child support your income can be considered in paying it. To me that would be hurt beyond hurt.
The only way to get around it is if he gives up his rights which she probably won't push for.
HUGS to you.

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