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badmedicine posted 8/3/2014 19:58 PM

It's the one-year anniversary of DDay. I remember exactly what I was doing and I remember those feelings washing over me like it was yesterday. At the same time, it seems like more than a year has past considering all the shit I've had to experience since then. As I was reflecting on this today I realized that I don't know what I feel. I'm not more sad or depressed than yesterday, not more anxious, but also not more hopeful or resolved. I feel kind of an emptiness about the whole thing. Our situation isn't resolved yet and I think that will help. I also think that when we go our separate ways in a year (11 months, but who's counting) it will help. I was out of town for about a week and a half and he said he would "leave [me] alone". He did and it was nice. I felt more relaxed, more at peace. When I came back and had to see him again and face the reality that this isn't over yet and hear him begging for another another another 1000th chance... ugh.

So where do I go from here? What did you feel at the 1-year mark? I know how to manage sadness, fear, and anger. Emptiness/nothingness is a new one.

ButterflyGirl posted 8/3/2014 20:14 PM

Indifference really is the goal, so feeling not all that much for him sounds like a good thing.

At a year, I was already planning my life as a single mom. After you figure out what happened in your past (since you learned part of your life was a lie), then you get to start thinking about your present and future more often.

For the emptiness, I would recommend trying to fill your life with new things. Anything. Make your new life what you want it to be.. Even watching a new movie makes me feel good. Cause it's all MY memories now..

Tell that fool to buzz off for a good long while

badmedicine posted 8/4/2014 21:36 PM

Thank you, ButterflyGirl. Indifference would be nice but I know I'm not there yet. I was exploring the difference between "not wanting to be divorced" and "wanting to be married to WH" today with my IC and it was painful. Made me realize that I won't ever feel completely certain in my decision and that is so unsettling! I am usually so decisive and this is so hard!! I don't know if I thought I would be further along or someplace different or with him...I just don't know. Anyway, thanks for your perspective!

ButterflyGirl posted 8/4/2014 21:49 PM

Your IC is smart. "Not wanting to be divorced" is your grief over your hopes and dreams. That's what hurts so bad.

We say it hear quite often. It's not HIM that you miss, it's the hopes and dreams for your life that you miss..

I don't miss my ex AT ALL. But damn, I grieve so bad and cry so hard that my life wasn't what I thought it was gonna be. I was gonna be married forever like my parents.

Realizing I was dealt a different hand has taken a long time to accept. But this hand, well, it's a hell of a lot better than whatever fucking game I was playing with that manipulative asshole..