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Is this healing?

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sodamnlost posted 8/3/2014 22:27 PM

I think I'm confused on what I "should" be doing. I spent two years focused so much on fixing him/us, it feels weird to just be LIVING. Is that fixing me? Sounds stupid I know but I don't know if what I am doing is healing me? Here is what has been starting to change.

I am fixing my relationship with God. It took a beating but he's a big guy so he can take it. He even welcomed me back.

I am working on getting to re-know my kids. His addiction and my co-dependence took so much focus off my kids it's hard to admit. We have been doing things together a LOT lately and talking. They're even help me around the house now before I even ask.

I am learning to manage money on my own. At 43, it's not something I have EVER done. It's easier than I thought but still sucks for me.

I am feeling pretty hopeful a job will pan out next week. It's a good job and I need it!!

I am trying to find a new normal for our house. STBXWH was an ass in every area but he did more than his fair share around the house. This area is where I miss. My helpmate the most. That. And sex. Damn I miss sex.

I am weaning off all my psych meds.

I feel like I should be doing something different. I question if I am putting my failed marriage in a box. Am I dealing with it? I hurt, not often actually but pretty deep still when I do. I can actually go hours without thinking about "it". I took my kids to the beach with my BFF and not once did a woman in a bikini make me cringe. STBSAWH wasn't there so it didn't matter. Damn that's liberating to feel free around other women, not paranoid and "less than".

ButterflyGirl posted 8/3/2014 22:38 PM

Wow, this is so me right now.

I'm back to my faith like never before. Marrying a non-believer was my mistake in the first place. Really can't believe how far I had fallen off the path.

It took a while, but running this household with the kids is SOOOO much fucking better now. It's a pretty tight ship, and I've never felt closer to them. I'm in the marital home, and it's like all the negative energy and memories are gone from the house.

I'm loving Pink's song Funhouse right now. It talks about how it used to be a fun house, but now it's full of evil clowns. I "emotionally" burned this fucker down, and "literally" burned some of the shit in it, and now I've rebuilt a Funhouse for the kids and I.

And I'm hoping for new job to pan out too. And damn, do I miss me some sex on the regular

I think at some point this shit has to be filed away in a box in your brain. But not so far back somewhere that bad feelings can fester. Somewhere a little bit near the front where your brain can look at it, accept it, and keep it moving..

sodamnlost posted 8/3/2014 22:58 PM

Just listened to funhouse - it's now a MUST blare song while driving, complete with the sunroof down and my blingy sunglasses on!

It's so weird - the bad moments are actually so few everyday but damn do they hurt. More and more I see through his BS. He was emailing me today about how he doesn't have a church home since I said he's not welcomed at mine (by ME). It was where we got married but HE walked away, HE stopped co-leading the youth group with me, HE refused to join me when I went back, HE stopped seeing our Pastor after the second big Dday. A few weeks ago his pleas to attend our church would have found sympathy. Today, I verified with my pastor that it's not mean for me to have a boundary on my church. They wouldn't stop him from coming in but if it's my boundary I would leave. After that, all I heard were the empty promises he has gotten so good at spilling.

I don't even recognize him anymore. Who knew it was ME that needed to change. For me. For my kids.

FTG!!! I am getting my life back and I like it!

ButterflyGirl posted 8/3/2014 23:18 PM

The cookies really are better on this side.

Don't tell anyone, but I've been blaring that album, and especially that song, and singing my heart out and dancing like a moron in the car lately. There's just no way I would pass anybody on the road that knows me, right?

deena posted 8/4/2014 03:57 AM

You two sound like you are doing awesome!!

Congratulations. I am looking forward to in house separation to end to start feeling some of that!!

So good to hear this

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