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KatieG posted 8/4/2014 08:53 AM

So I found a txt on WBF's phone, he was telling a female friend (not my friend) that he wasn't going to be messing around again and that he was with Katieg, he ended by saying "no offence". Her reply wasn't much better, she kinda said "good luck with that!" smiley. So it made my blood boil.

I confronted and said it looked like he was ending whatever it was they had and she was saying he wouldn't change.

He said he had sent her an innocent message asking how she was (I did see that one) and then she sent a txt saying she didn't want to speak to him again because she was bored of hearing his "stories". He then replied that he was with me and no more messing around. He said he was surprised that she didn't want to be his friend and replied saying he was with me now and things were different. He signed off no offence because she had said that to him.

A few things don't add up:
1) I can't find the txt where she is saying she doesn't want to speak to him again. No evidence of a call or voicemail call either (could be over a 3 days period).
2) What stories? He says he hasn't told her about his A because he is embarrassed and ashamed so there must be others.
3) We have been together 6 years so she knew he was "with" me anyway. I have met her once, years ago and just briefly.
4) If she did send the txt saying she didn't want to speak to him again, why doesn't he want to know more? He says he is going to leave it at that.
5) He knew her as a friend before me and says nothing ever happened between them.

Typing it out seems so ridiculous now, I discovered it right before our MC session and the MC started saying that having opposite sex friends was OK and things can be misinterpreted on txt! I did go a bit crazy at her because I thought she was minimising it and not hearing my boundaries. Am I minimising or is there something here?

[This message edited by KatieG at 8:55 AM, August 4th (Monday)]

Chinadoll30 posted 8/4/2014 09:10 AM

Why did he text her in the first place?

KatieG posted 8/4/2014 09:13 AM

Yeah good question, the first txt was like "hey, what's up, haven't heard from you in a while" so that kind of thing.

He tells me about all comms as he knows I have access to everything. He chose not to tell me of this comm and then said he felt bad deleting the first texts. He knows I can undelete stuff too. Hmm, backward step and he seems to regret it.

tired girl posted 8/4/2014 09:20 AM

How many female friends does your H have? How do you feel about him still having them?

Morhurt posted 8/4/2014 09:27 AM

Umm, not ok. First off, no texting women to "chat" in my house! Secondly, deleting a text?? WTH? No!
If you can undelete texts, do. I'm sorry to say but that smells very fishy and I agree that his story doesn't add up. :(

demos posted 8/4/2014 10:07 AM

As Chris Rock says ...... "men don't have platonic girlfriends, they have girlfriends they haven't fucked yet!"

KatieG posted 8/4/2014 10:26 AM

Yeah, very smelly. I have asked him again, not defensive but underplaying it. No secrets, no deleting, no women friends that I don't know.

He has a few. Mainly work friends, and he works away a lot. It unsettles me.

He has no record of the call he made to her, says he must have deleted that. Ok so I found out - but its the unknown unknows I hate.

lovesobroken posted 8/4/2014 11:00 AM

So a few red flags are 'no more messing around', what does he mean by 'more'? Also, what stories did she mean? Seems like he was talking about your marriage IMO since she seems to have some kind of opinion about you from her seemingly sarcastic 'best of luck' phrase. If all that were true and he messaged her first, its time to be cautious and keep an eye on things and let him know that you are hurt.

KatieG posted 8/4/2014 11:04 AM

I read it as telling her stories about messing around with other women.

He knows I'm hurt and keeps saying he loves me etc. I know that now. This is more evidence that I was completely blind before and his boundaries were poor to non existent.

I want to move forward, and need him to see that behaviour is not acceptable to me. The A has opened my eyes to all this crap that was going on before.

Rebreather posted 8/4/2014 11:05 AM

It's not suspicious behavior. It's cheating behavior.

KatieG posted 8/4/2014 11:12 AM

You are right. Why do I always try and see the positive? He's still a cheater.

confused615 posted 8/4/2014 11:13 AM

He didn't send her an innocent text. He was fishing. When she didn't respond the way he was hoping, he tries to cover by saying he is with you now, and no more messing around.

Things don't add up because he is lying. If you stop trying to come up with logical answers to those questions, and just sit back and look at this as a doesn't make sense because he is lying. And why is he lying? Because he is guilty.

Chinadoll30 posted 8/4/2014 11:19 AM

The initial contact, the deleted messages, telling her he was with you, and the comment about his "stories" and "messing around" = wayward behavior. Who cares what the "whole story" is? He's lying, manipulating, and hiding things. I wouldn't trust him out of my sight.

TrulySad posted 8/4/2014 11:23 AM

I read their texts as he reaching out to her, fishing for something. Her telling him she's tired of whatever stories he tells her about you and him. She's done waiting in the wings. And his response is all he wanted now was to be friends, and that you and him were together and happy. In other words, he got shot down, and was trying to save face.

I'm sorry. I hope you get to the bottom of this.

Rebreather posted 8/4/2014 11:33 AM

Why do I always try and see the positive?

Spend some time with this thought. In general, it's a positive trait. Or, it can be codependency. You've twisted yourself into knots trying to make this innocent. It isn't. Why would you do that?

KatieG posted 8/4/2014 11:47 AM

And why is he lying? Because he is guilty.

Yes, guilty of what? My guess is at least an EA with this friend. Bottom line is he is still acting like a W. He says he's changed, etc. He says his relationship with her was inappropriate given our new boundaries but these texts were like last week! And he is now saying that loving me isn't enough - which is a tactic he uses to make me feel guilty.

I have explored codepdendency and I see that in myself - working through it.

Interesting theories about her waiting for him. It has crossed my mind that he is telling her he chooses me and that's the end. Maybe he did tell her about us - although my suspicion is he was telling her about his other exploits.

I hate this period, been here before - the heavy conversations before the simple truth comes out. The more I dig, I think the more difficult it is for him to back track. Just want him to tell me the whole truth so it feels right and fits.

confused615 posted 8/4/2014 11:49 AM

Gently...does it matter? The end result is the same...

He is still crossing boundaries...still lying to you...still being inappropriate with other women..still deleting texts...still hiding things.

He is still very much a wayward.

Has he done anything to work on himself?

KatieG posted 8/4/2014 17:19 PM

Some, and he's made a few realisations. But this is 10 steps back for both of us. He's looking to me for the guidance I feel, either that or he's using will power. You can lead a horse to water. ..

We both want the same as things so how come he doesn't realise the consequences? The answer is the thinking and the behavior is still in him. How long does it take W's to change, really change?

confused615 posted 8/4/2014 17:29 PM

I think it depends on how much, and how hard, they are working on themselves. You said he has done "some" work. Is he in IC?

I hate that you are still dealing with this. He should be further along than this.

Has he had any consequences since dday? Other than you being upset, I mean? (And I don't say it that way to minimize your ANY way..but for many waywards, that particular consequence isn't enough to make them change).


KatieG posted 8/4/2014 17:37 PM

I had a major incident in May and thought he had broken NC. I ended it and he knew I meant it. Turned out not to be true (I had the phone records wrong) he realised I was serious and wasn't afraid to end it and I that seemed to be a turning point.

He suggested MC but he's not in IC. So we moved to R. We started MC. He has part read some books when I push him.

He is changing. But the fact this has happened makes me feel it's all been false.

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