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Conflict avoidance

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hopefulfourus posted 8/4/2014 08:54 AM

I was reading something similar within a different forum about this and I can so totally relate. I totally avoid conflict. I like everything to be happy and never address the bad stuff. My mother always ingrained it into my head.

My h was served D papers last week. We had a talk after this happened. I told him things that I've been wanting to tell him for awhile; how much he has hurt me and our kids and although that I may have also hurt him, I didn't hurt him that way he did to me (having an A). It was very freeing to get that off my chest.

So now I am wondering if we had just talked, maybe we would not be here at this point. Maybe we would have a future together. There is still so much that needs to be talked about. I almost feel that it needs to be said before it ends.

Or am I feeling scared/sad that it's over. That I'm going to be alone.

I also need to be careful because right now I have the upper hand as my H would have a lot to lose if we D ( medical insurance). He would also hide his assets if I pulled the D.

I just feel so at rock bottom.

norabird posted 8/4/2014 09:20 AM

He will be forced to submit all of the papers to the court on his assets in D--you can pursue him legally for everything, so don't be too afraid of his being able to hide anything. that's what the system is there to find.

Also, gentle 2x4: stop the shoulda/woulda/coulda. It assumes that the D and his A are your fault; that you could have averted the situation by being better or different. Yes, we can all learn from our relationships how to address conflict better and carry that knowledge forward; but don't take on responsibility for his broken decision. That is his to own. Yes, you can own parts of the M that were less than ideal, but that doesn't mean that if you had been perfect he would never have made the decision to cheat.

deena posted 8/4/2014 10:28 AM

If the problem existed between you was so great then your husband should have tried to talk before DECIDING to have an A.
He decided to cheat because he was only thinking of himself. Not you....not your marriage!
That is selfishness.
Do NOT put any of his A on you. You are NOT responsible in any way for this.

I understand you may be getting scared. Scared to be alone, to not have that someone to share things with. I feel that right now too. My WH just got his papers and my lawyer is just waiting for him to complete his financials.
But seriously, do you think you could ever now have that close, trusting relationship with your WH ever again? Do you think you can be content with that kind of marriage?

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