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Lucky33 posted 8/4/2014 12:51 PM

Hello everyone, I'm here today to share my story of several A's I've been a part of and reconcile and hopefully change for the better.

I am only 20 years old, going to be 21 on the 26th of August. I feel much hate towards myself and so much emotional torture that I honestly feel I deserve because anything I feel doesn't come close to what I made my BG feel. (I write BG for Betrayed Girlfriend because she isn't my spouse). I've hurt her not once, not twice, but three times. I almost can't believe I've let this come so far, but I did. I want so much to desperately change and I'm filled with much remorse for my actions and this isn't the man I want to be, this is the type of person I used to look down upon yet now I'm one of them. An unfaithful man. A jury of my peers would honestly speak endlessly of the person they know, a person that would love unconditionally and would move mountains to make you happy, the person I was proud to be. Now I'm nothing but a shell of my former self.

This all started when I was in a relationship with my XOW. We had been together for two plus years and I found myself not feeling the way I used to with her. I was eventually having to force myself to see her and I knew then that this isn't working anymore. I was always hesitant to break up with her because in reality I still care for her so much and I couldn't bear to hurt her. Some background on us both is that we had both had A's with OP's during our relationship, however there was a difference. I had an A with an OP I no longer have contact with nor do I still maintain an A with and we both had a PA, a physical affair which my XOW does not know even until this day. My XOW had what she called an EA, an emotional affair, which I did find out about but I deny it was emotional because the conversation she had with the OP were all completely sexual, how he'd like to do this or if she'd like it if he did this etc. She also claimed it was only messages. Honestly the details of the A don't mean much to me, I think the big factor is the reason, what was it that led you to do this? My answer that I'm completely sure on is that I had only done it for the sex. Her response killed me though. She responded that she didn't feel loved enough. At first I was still in shock but I truly did love her and in my mind I would think well maybe I didn't try hard enough. So I moved on and I tried harder and harder but in reality there wasn't much of a change. That made me think back to the beginning of my relationship with XOW. The truth is I truly gave her my all since day one. Not a day passed that I tried to think of new ways to make her happy and would do anything to show her how much she meant to me. That's why her response bothered me more and more and I found myself sometimes forcing myself. During this time I got into another A, and at first it was an EA, but soon after it turned into a PA.

My girlfriend soon to be know in the story as my BG, met while I was with my XOW. It was innocent at first then emotions got mixed in and we both fell for each other and I found myself acting natural around her and feeling loved. This soon turned physical as we had our first kiss and we saw more and more of each other. In the back of my mind I felt so guilty but it felt so right also. I wanted this woman but I was too afraid to take the next step which was to not only break up with my now XOW but to confess to her. Before that chance came one day we had gone out and it went too far, we had sex. It was now or never. I was building the courage to tell her when she told me she was pregnant. I don't know if I should've waited but I told her then and there about me and my XOW. This was the first time I hurt her.

When I told my now BG about me and my XOW she was devastated and refused to speak with me for some time. However, in the end she appreciated that I told her. But things didn't return to normal yet, but eventually they did and we began talking about our child. I've decided upon myself many years ago that I would never leave my child so I told her I'm going to be there all the way for our baby. We did a lot of planning and we also worked on ourselves and helped develop our relationship. Things went good until I was approached by an "Old Friend" on Facebook. I had no idea who this woman was but apparently they knew so much about me and said they're a friend of a friend of mine who introduced me once to her in high school. It may have happened but I for the life of me couldn't remember. She was acting very odd speaking to me very flirty and being very persistent with her questions, but I had told her I had a girlfriend and I didn't want anything else. By persistent I mean even after I told her I have a girlfriend and refused to do anything else, she said she would be willing to have a PA if I wanted to behind my BG's back. I wasn't willing to at first but her persistence was soon getting to me and I found myself wanting to satisfy my own needs. So I regrettably began talking to her and speaking of having sex with her and sexting as well and soon after I stopped because this still felt very strange. Not soon after I found myself speaking to her again and this time made plans to actually see her, and even then I wasn't entirely sure if I would have gone through with it or just came to senses. Regardless of that I shortly after received an anonymous phone call of someone saying they're gonna expose me to my now BG and tell her what I've been doing. I was scared and thought to myself that it's better if she heard it from me and I tried contacting her, but I was too late. This was the second time I hurt her and I fell into a deep state of IC. The person I've become was starting to make themselves more and more apparent and it was then that I decided that I want to change, I want to be a person I can be proud of and the person I know I can be. I was filled with much remorse for my actions that I pleaded to my BG that what I did was purely for my own enjoyment and that it was a selfish act. I had become a selfish animal just acting on impulse whenever I became overwhelmed with the need of a sexual release. I made myself feel sick but I instead used that to my advantage to never hurt her or anybody else ever again. I wanted to do right by her and my unborn child and I wanted so much to change and reconcile for all that I've done, and that's exactly what I did until just this week.

To make a long story short she saw how remorseful I was and decided to give me one more chance. This time I brought out all the stops, I felt like nothing is ever going to stop me and throw me off course again. However things weren't easy for us both. Our child didn't make it and my BG suffered a miscarriage and we were both thrown into a big hole of depression. I tried to put my sadness aside and help her most of all as this was her second pregnancy and miscarriage, not with me though but with her XOM. I was working hard towards supporting her and loving her and in the end I felt accomplished that I was able to help her through this hard time. Her happiness meant my happiness. Things were great and soon after we were so in love and things took a sour turn as we began arguing quite excessively. What was silly is that these arguments came from such small things and would get blown out of proportion. I think this was due to the stress in my now BG's life as her family was on the verge of eviction from their home with nowhere to go and the police harassing her and her family from a crime another distant family member had committed. I was trying to be supportive through all of this but sometimes we'd just get into one of our arguments. Pretty it got to a point where not much love was displayed to me. I on the other hand was there completely for her. At this point I started feeling selfish because I started thinking of myself when she's the one in the bad situation, so I worked through it. Shortly after though I met with a new friend whom I was respectful and distant with. Things were normal at first as she would compliment me for my manners and being gentleman-like and I would compliment her on the same and made a compliment on her appearance. I called her beautiful and honestly I don't consider that as a betrayal or anything bad because it's a compliment, same as if a woman said a man is handsome. But things started to take a different turn as I saw that she showed interest in me and i kinda liked the attention. I again found myself flirting with her and making sexual innuendos and I screwed up again big time. I stopped myself and didn't continue speaking to her because I felt guilty that I had done this again. I didn't know what to do but I left the messages on my phone and two days later when I met with my now BG she had asked for my phone like she has many times before and I knowingly and willingly gave it to her, preparing to tell her but again finding myself Chickening out again. This leads me to today. She says she wants nothing to do with me and once again I hurt her. I really can't believe I let this happen again. Part of me wants her back, the other part is telling me I need to lay off relationships until I work on myself. When BG asked me if I think I deserve another chance I responded as no, because I'm a fool, but I'm a fool who's only going to get better and better. I feel confident in that I can finally abolish this side of me one day, where I can look and say "That's what I used to be". I had shown a lot of restraint prior to me messing up the third time and I turned down other possible A's even my XOW coming back wanting me to come back to her. I still have a long road to recovery yet I still want her back and I'm not sure what else, if there is anything else I can say to her. For now I'm just on the sidelines and she says that's where she's planning on keeping me. I'm so distraught by all of this all I can do is hate myself and try and push myself to be better. I want to beg and tell her how much I want her back but I don't know if I'm in a state to do that, or if it will even have any affect.

DrJekyll posted 8/4/2014 13:11 PM

Welcome to SI, stick around we can help you. keep posting, keep reading. have you checked out the healing library?

From reading your story, here is my honest opinion.
I would not rush to get another chance just yet. You have already cheated on your BGF 3 times. You need to fix your shit. You are going to need to figure out "why" why would you allow yourself to do this?

If I am reading your story correctly. you have been with your BGF for 2 years, but when you met her you were in a relationship with somebody else? And your BGF has cheated on you too?

It sounds like this is a very broken relationship. You are young, and do not have children together. True R is a bitch. It is a journey through the fires of HELL. And I am not sure I would recommend that in your situation. Although that is a choice only you can make. I am not judging either decision. I just want you to know this will truly be a grinding process.

But what I would recommend, IC (independent counseling) reading books, reading here on SI, posting here, and working on yourself before entering another relationship.

Lucky33 posted 8/4/2014 14:11 PM

Dr. Jekyll,

Thank you for taking the time to read my story as well as welcoming here at SI. I had tried seeking for help but honestly it never crossed my mind until recently that I can try online. I am also aware of the healing library and have skimmed some passages but I will be going more in depth when I have more time, I really connected to what I was reading so thank you.

I agree that I shouldn't rush into getting her back or any other relationship without fixing my shit indeed. There are so many why's that cross through my mind when I think why I did what I did, and I'm not sure if it's one thing in particular or maybe all.

My BGF, whom I've cheated on three times, and I have not been together for two years, we've been together for almost a year now but yes I did meet her while I was with somebody else. The somebody else I was with was my ex whom I also cheated on but never admitted nor did she find out, and cheated on me and I found out. I was together with my for two years before I met my now BGF.

I truly want to work on myself above anything else right now because the behavior I've been having is inexcusable and I want to become better, and it is a tough process, but I need to do this if I ever have any hope in forgiving myself and redeeming myself. I'm not much of a book reader, but I tackle my problems head on by talking about them and receiving feedback from someone who can maybe see truth I can't. Sometimes I need that push or someone to help me realize what I truly need to hear or do.

somethingremorse posted 8/4/2014 14:22 PM

Now I'm nothing but a shell of my former self.

I don't mean to minimize the pain you are going through. But at almost 21, you should be trying to figure out who you are. Not mourning the person you used to be. You are not quite "you" yet.

Give yourself some time and space. Take a breath. Get your feet under you before you get into/resume a long term relationship. You are not ready yet, and that's OK. Don't force it.

DrJekyll posted 8/4/2014 14:27 PM

As I started sorting through my "whys" they all applied. feelings, thoughts, deep rooted issues. The "why" is like an onion. you will find a surface reason, but then ask yourself why? they may all be true.

You are about to turn 21 and have been unfaithful for the past 2 GF and that means since you were 18yo you have been unfaithful. Let that sink in for a minute. Your whole adult life, you have been unfaithful. so why?

authenticnow posted 8/4/2014 14:27 PM

I agree that you should be figuring out yourself at this age and maybe not focusing on relationships or becoming a different self. Take your time! Somethingremorse summed it up perfectly, IMO.

I think it's good that you're recognizing this unhealthy pattern and that you're willing to look into it and fix it. Doing this now will help you be in healthy relationships in the future.

Are you a student? Is there a health center at your school where you can look into some counseling to help sort this all out?

Lucky33 posted 8/4/2014 16:34 PM

I realize I'm much too young to be having to go through this but I think that falls upon another of my "why's". I plan on taking my time before I ever jump into a relationship again, I really want to make sure I have tight grasp on why I am how I am.

As you stated that my whole adult life I have been unfaithful and yes that is true, but I believe this needs to be looked since the beginning of my relationship life. Prior to these two girlfirends I have had two others. My first when I was 16 and my other right after high school was over.

My first girlfriend I swear it was the most innocent relationship. I was very shy at first but once I got comfortable I was able to be myself. We'd spend the time talking and playing video games. Not once did i ever felt the need to be with anybody else. She made me happy but one thing that came up in my mind is that I kinda want to have sex, but then again I'm a teenage boy I mean that's gotta be normal right? However we didn't as I was to nervous to bring it up because I didn't want to ruin anything. Eventually we broke up because of distance issues.

My second girlfriend, this is where I think a lot of my "why's" come from. This relationship I feel killed me a little inside. I met her in the beginning of high school and she was amazing. She was everything I dreamt of both physically and personality-wise. I had the biggest crush on her but I never had a chance as she was always taken and eventually she dropped out of school because she got pregnant. I never saw her until my senior year as I was about to graduate. She came to a concert I was a part of and saw me preform and we spoke afterwards and caught up. As we were catching up she admitted to liking me a long time ago, I admitted the same and we both found out we still felt the same towards each other. The problem was that she was still with her boyfriend/baby daddy so I thought we couldn't do anything, she however said it's fine and that he doesn't mind. This was very confusing and I was hesitant at first and nervous but I decided to go along with it. We talked a lot more and our relationship soon became revolves around sex. She made the first move by admitting she thought of me sexually and well I took it from there. She was my first time. After we had initially done it, it was like being addicted to a drug. I wanted it more and more and she was always willing. Halfway through or "relationship", she broke up with her boyfriend/baby daddy at which point I asked if I can be her boyfriend and we agreed. Not much changed as we were already so intimate with each other except that I got to see her a lot more. Aside from all the sex I was falling in love with her and I confessed my love to her and she responded by saying she loves me too. I also consider her my first love. We seemed perfect together. We would hang out and be able to have fun, and any other time it was really mostly sex. Until one day, very abruptly she told me she wants to break up because she wants to work things out with her baby daddy for the sake of the baby. I didn't want to let her go and I told her but to no avail. After I tried to avoid her as I was heartbroken and devastated, that was the most intense emotional pain I've felt until this day. She would still continue to want to talk to me as she really wanted to continue to be friends and didn't want to completely lose me. I tried but eventually it led to me trying to get her back multiple times. What was very strange is that she wasn't completely over me either yet she broke up with me. I had tried talking to someone else and she became jealous. It was a confusing time and I didn't know what to do, but all I felt was that I wanted her back. I tried everything but nothing convinced her until one day we began talking and we made plans to see each other at a party she was having. I went over and we also made plans into talking about us later on tonight and also possibly have sex. However. When I arrived she told me "So you might have competition tonight", and that gave me a quick shock as I asked her what that means. She responded by saying there's a friend coming over who used to like her and I was hurt. She laughed it off and said it was a joke and that she wasn't gonna do anything about it, but that he did indeed like her. I tried to play it off and tried to focus on her and eventually everybody was leaving and only her closest friends remained including myself and the other guy. She asked if I'm able to sleepover and I said yes, thinking this is my chance. As I headed up I stopped halfway as I began talking to her mother who had stopped me for a quick irrelevant talk. When I turned around she was gone and when I checked to see where she was, she was nowhere in sight and neither was the other guy, and her door was locked, and I swear I heard what sounded like kissing. I was broken beyond belief and I stayed the entire night in that house practically crying all night with no sleep. The next morning I confronted her and she denied it and even got upset at me for accusing her. But she was lying and I wasn't going to put up with it anymore. I left without saying a word and went home. This is when things started getting ugly as we both had anger towards each other now. I was going to expose her to her baby daddy for cheating on him with this other guy and she got upset saying that it wasn't gonna work because he's not gonna believe me and he's just gonna beat me up for lying. That's when things got out of hand and we were cussing at each other and started fighting. At which point I had recieved a message from a guy I didn't even know stating to leave his girlfriend alone. This girlfriend was none other than my ex. So then what I did is expose her and soon this guy was thanking me for telling him the truth and soon after she was cussing at me again for ruining her relationship. It was at this time she admitted to actually sleeping with that guy and how she had cheated on me several times as well. It got so ugly at this point we both stopped talking to each other and never spoke again.

During my two year relation with my ex girlfriend she had tried contacting me. All she was concerned about was trying to keep our friendship alive but what I wanted was closure and I barely got that. I apparently had to apologize first before she even began apologizing and well it still didn't feel like enough. And what I dislike but like at the same time is that I'm still so sexually attracted to her that if I had the chance I believe there's part of me that would take it in a heartbeat. Part of me says it's because she's my first, I think there may be more to it.

Lucky33 posted 8/4/2014 16:36 PM

And I'm currently a full time student and worker and as far as I know yes my school does offer those services but I'm not sure if relationships falls along their guidelines, I'd have to double check.

I want to fix this and laying all my cards out on the table. I'm hoping I can make a pair or you all can help me make one.

theseseatsRtaken posted 8/5/2014 04:30 AM

Lucky,

Dude, finding this place may be the best thing that ever happens to you. As long as you genuinely are ready to delve into this. And I get the same impression as others that you really don't appreciate just how much pain and head-fucking is involved in this process. We dont want to discourage you at all, your step into this world is a brave one. I hope you can keep walking. We are here to help.

Your story is one hell of a start to relationships. Not one of them healthy. Not one of them authentic. Except perhaps the very first but at 16, you really havent got a clue what commitment is anyway so not sure that it counts.

A few questions I have:

1. Have you accepted that with GF#2 you started out as an OM (other man)?
2. Have you accepted that you were directly involved in the break up of the relationship between a childs parents?
3. Have you accepted that in all likely hood that relationship never ended while you were with her?
4. Do you see the correlation between what happened to you with this woman and the way you hve treated every woman since?
5. What is your parent's relationship like?

Like others, I concur you are too young to be trying to retrieve a self that is not yet developed. But there are some biiiig alarm bells there for me of who you could become without some serious reflection.

The path you were heading down, leads to only pain, loss, and irreversible scarring. I seriously suggest you consider becoming a reader too. I did, and its been a massive part of whats helped me on my road to true authenticity. I hated reading but I really think if you are serious about change, you need to break through that little barrier. Its one of the easiest ones youll come up against.

Keep on posting mate.