Hello everyone, I'm here today to share my story of several A's I've been a part of and reconcile and hopefully change for the better.
I am only 20 years old, going to be 21 on the 26th of August. I feel much hate towards myself and so much emotional torture that I honestly feel I deserve because anything I feel doesn't come close to what I made my BG feel. (I write BG for Betrayed Girlfriend because she isn't my spouse). I've hurt her not once, not twice, but three times. I almost can't believe I've let this come so far, but I did. I want so much to desperately change and I'm filled with much remorse for my actions and this isn't the man I want to be, this is the type of person I used to look down upon yet now I'm one of them. An unfaithful man. A jury of my peers would honestly speak endlessly of the person they know, a person that would love unconditionally and would move mountains to make you happy, the person I was proud to be. Now I'm nothing but a shell of my former self.
This all started when I was in a relationship with my XOW. We had been together for two plus years and I found myself not feeling the way I used to with her. I was eventually having to force myself to see her and I knew then that this isn't working anymore. I was always hesitant to break up with her because in reality I still care for her so much and I couldn't bear to hurt her. Some background on us both is that we had both had A's with OP's during our relationship, however there was a difference. I had an A with an OP I no longer have contact with nor do I still maintain an A with and we both had a PA, a physical affair which my XOW does not know even until this day. My XOW had what she called an EA, an emotional affair, which I did find out about but I deny it was emotional because the conversation she had with the OP were all completely sexual, how he'd like to do this or if she'd like it if he did this etc. She also claimed it was only messages. Honestly the details of the A don't mean much to me, I think the big factor is the reason, what was it that led you to do this? My answer that I'm completely sure on is that I had only done it for the sex. Her response killed me though. She responded that she didn't feel loved enough. At first I was still in shock but I truly did love her and in my mind I would think well maybe I didn't try hard enough. So I moved on and I tried harder and harder but in reality there wasn't much of a change. That made me think back to the beginning of my relationship with XOW. The truth is I truly gave her my all since day one. Not a day passed that I tried to think of new ways to make her happy and would do anything to show her how much she meant to me. That's why her response bothered me more and more and I found myself sometimes forcing myself. During this time I got into another A, and at first it was an EA, but soon after it turned into a PA.
My girlfriend soon to be know in the story as my BG, met while I was with my XOW. It was innocent at first then emotions got mixed in and we both fell for each other and I found myself acting natural around her and feeling loved. This soon turned physical as we had our first kiss and we saw more and more of each other. In the back of my mind I felt so guilty but it felt so right also. I wanted this woman but I was too afraid to take the next step which was to not only break up with my now XOW but to confess to her. Before that chance came one day we had gone out and it went too far, we had sex. It was now or never. I was building the courage to tell her when she told me she was pregnant. I don't know if I should've waited but I told her then and there about me and my XOW. This was the first time I hurt her.
When I told my now BG about me and my XOW she was devastated and refused to speak with me for some time. However, in the end she appreciated that I told her. But things didn't return to normal yet, but eventually they did and we began talking about our child. I've decided upon myself many years ago that I would never leave my child so I told her I'm going to be there all the way for our baby. We did a lot of planning and we also worked on ourselves and helped develop our relationship. Things went good until I was approached by an "Old Friend" on Facebook. I had no idea who this woman was but apparently they knew so much about me and said they're a friend of a friend of mine who introduced me once to her in high school. It may have happened but I for the life of me couldn't remember. She was acting very odd speaking to me very flirty and being very persistent with her questions, but I had told her I had a girlfriend and I didn't want anything else. By persistent I mean even after I told her I have a girlfriend and refused to do anything else, she said she would be willing to have a PA if I wanted to behind my BG's back. I wasn't willing to at first but her persistence was soon getting to me and I found myself wanting to satisfy my own needs. So I regrettably began talking to her and speaking of having sex with her and sexting as well and soon after I stopped because this still felt very strange. Not soon after I found myself speaking to her again and this time made plans to actually see her, and even then I wasn't entirely sure if I would have gone through with it or just came to senses. Regardless of that I shortly after received an anonymous phone call of someone saying they're gonna expose me to my now BG and tell her what I've been doing. I was scared and thought to myself that it's better if she heard it from me and I tried contacting her, but I was too late. This was the second time I hurt her and I fell into a deep state of IC. The person I've become was starting to make themselves more and more apparent and it was then that I decided that I want to change, I want to be a person I can be proud of and the person I know I can be. I was filled with much remorse for my actions that I pleaded to my BG that what I did was purely for my own enjoyment and that it was a selfish act. I had become a selfish animal just acting on impulse whenever I became overwhelmed with the need of a sexual release. I made myself feel sick but I instead used that to my advantage to never hurt her or anybody else ever again. I wanted to do right by her and my unborn child and I wanted so much to change and reconcile for all that I've done, and that's exactly what I did until just this week.
To make a long story short she saw how remorseful I was and decided to give me one more chance. This time I brought out all the stops, I felt like nothing is ever going to stop me and throw me off course again. However things weren't easy for us both. Our child didn't make it and my BG suffered a miscarriage and we were both thrown into a big hole of depression. I tried to put my sadness aside and help her most of all as this was her second pregnancy and miscarriage, not with me though but with her XOM. I was working hard towards supporting her and loving her and in the end I felt accomplished that I was able to help her through this hard time. Her happiness meant my happiness. Things were great and soon after we were so in love and things took a sour turn as we began arguing quite excessively. What was silly is that these arguments came from such small things and would get blown out of proportion. I think this was due to the stress in my now BG's life as her family was on the verge of eviction from their home with nowhere to go and the police harassing her and her family from a crime another distant family member had committed. I was trying to be supportive through all of this but sometimes we'd just get into one of our arguments. Pretty it got to a point where not much love was displayed to me. I on the other hand was there completely for her. At this point I started feeling selfish because I started thinking of myself when she's the one in the bad situation, so I worked through it. Shortly after though I met with a new friend whom I was respectful and distant with. Things were normal at first as she would compliment me for my manners and being gentleman-like and I would compliment her on the same and made a compliment on her appearance. I called her beautiful and honestly I don't consider that as a betrayal or anything bad because it's a compliment, same as if a woman said a man is handsome. But things started to take a different turn as I saw that she showed interest in me and i kinda liked the attention. I again found myself flirting with her and making sexual innuendos and I screwed up again big time. I stopped myself and didn't continue speaking to her because I felt guilty that I had done this again. I didn't know what to do but I left the messages on my phone and two days later when I met with my now BG she had asked for my phone like she has many times before and I knowingly and willingly gave it to her, preparing to tell her but again finding myself Chickening out again. This leads me to today. She says she wants nothing to do with me and once again I hurt her. I really can't believe I let this happen again. Part of me wants her back, the other part is telling me I need to lay off relationships until I work on myself. When BG asked me if I think I deserve another chance I responded as no, because I'm a fool, but I'm a fool who's only going to get better and better. I feel confident in that I can finally abolish this side of me one day, where I can look and say "That's what I used to be". I had shown a lot of restraint prior to me messing up the third time and I turned down other possible A's even my XOW coming back wanting me to come back to her. I still have a long road to recovery yet I still want her back and I'm not sure what else, if there is anything else I can say to her. For now I'm just on the sidelines and she says that's where she's planning on keeping me. I'm so distraught by all of this all I can do is hate myself and try and push myself to be better. I want to beg and tell her how much I want her back but I don't know if I'm in a state to do that, or if it will even have any affect.