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In my mind, I don't know why it bothers me. But my heart still hurts. I hate admitting that. I feel pathetic. Why would any sensible person still hurt over losing someone who didn't want them? I'm 14 months out from finding out and filing for divorce. I am just so tired of hurting, running questions through my mind even though the answers don't make a difference. I am so sick of this. I'm really down and think so this is what the rest of my life looks like? Lonely, rejected, hurting. Why do I care if his life is good? What kind of terrible person am I to want to know he suffers? I think I'm wrong in that it would make me feel better to know he had regrets or missed me. But there is no way I'm giving up NC. It's the only peace I have. I will see him I'm sure in about a week at mediation. Will closure help my pain go away?? Will having a judge finalize it and officially declare us divorced make my heart quit hurting? I feel pathetic even hurting over him... I don't want to go back, but I'm afraid divorce won't make my life happy either. In other words, I'm afraid I'm just going to be sad lonely and hurting no matter what! Stupid I know. Just what it feels like right now. His only concern is about money. My concerns are our kids and I just want a little bit of happiness or just not hurting. After 27 years of dedication to someone and here I am!

(((mom4ever)))

You are allowed to hurt and be in pain. You shouldn't be embarrassed about that. Betrayal by your spouse is about as fucked up as it gets. Plus, you have an anniversary and mediation coming up close together...the anticipation and the lead up to those dates can cause triggers.

I read a book, "The journey from abandonment to healing" that helped me understand the thought patterns that I felt was consuming me. It has several good exercises that help you start visualizing your future and settle your past.

Mom4ever,

I could have written what you said. Except I am 2 years 8 months out. I should get divorce papers to sign and send to court tomorrow. Just days before what would be my anniversary. Honestly I don't think the mediation helped with closure. I do truly believe that once my divorce is final, I will start to heal. The stress of dealing with the issue of infidelity, divorce, kids and finances is hard. Once the divorce is final, one thing off the healing plate.

Don't feel pathetic hurting over him. We were the loyal ones, not straying. He didn't warn you to stop loving him. Your vows said forever. You can't just change that because of this. Doesn't mean you want him back.

I am right in line with you hoping for my STBXH to suffer. And I think of it often. BUT they say it a lot here, and I am working on it. "Don't give him headspace, think only about you and your loved ones."

(((Mom4ever)))

Thank you, Telsa and Must Survive, for responding. It helps knowing I am not alone.

Mom4ever,

I'm sorry you are hurting so much. You are not alone. So much of what you said I could've written myself!

I have just started mediation process with my STBXH, and while it feels good to be moving forward with D (and my life) I know that it will not take away the rejection, betrayal and confusion I still feel. I am in so much pain still that I have not seen WH since D-Day. I gave birth to our son and he has had 5 visits with him, and still I have not seen him. I told him I can't. The mediator has agreed to facilitate for us 100% remotely so I don't have to be in the same space as him. Part of me wanted to make myself see him, because I didn't want him to know that he is still hurting me...but I decided that I needed to take care of myself. Fuck what he thinks. Fuck him!

As you said, taking care of yourself, focusing on your kids and giving yourself more time I believe are the only things that will help...but know that while you are slowly getting your life back (a happier one!) we are all here for you. I can tell from your post that you are honest and resilient, you will be okay!

Thanks, bravegirl19. I feel a little better this morning. It just builds up sometimes. I can't imagine how hard the last year would have been if I had not found SI. Although it blows my mind that it happens to so many people and how alike the emotions and behaviors are, it is such a reassuring place to come and know that there are others who truly understand how you feel and what you are going through.