I have had body image issues since I was a child. But, this is a whole new hell. I can't stand my body since my stbxww's affair. No matter how much I run, or workout it never seems enough. It isn't even about looks. It is about "feeling" good...in absence of self disgust. I guess in a way it is beneficial. My physical health is benefiting I suppose. I know her A had nothing to do with me, or let alone how I look. But, it doesn't change how it affected me. I am starting not to enjoy the little things anymore, like certain food. Most of it repulses me. I used to grab my favorite donut on Fridays with a cup of coffee...now I don't dare because of how shitty it makes me feel. The harder I try, the more disgusting I feel. It's a vicious cycle. I can't even take off my shirt at a pool party unless I had a few drinks to calm me down. And even then I can't relax. I am not over weight, or have any logical reason to be so disgusted with myself. I reason to myself, if I just put on another 15 lbs of muscle and lose every once of fat I might be able to stop obsessing. Anyone else have become overly self conscious with your body since post DD?
I am considering going back to EMDR therapy for this. I had thought about it before because I know it mostly stems from childhood abuse, and it was something my old therapist wanted me to explore. But, it was never this terrible...this consuming. I am just so tired of therapy. I have been in it for too long. My entire being is completely exhausted.
My wife's betrayal just keeps on giving and giving. I trusted her with my insecurities and vulnerabilities. First person I ever learned to trust. It went against every fiber in my being. The shock of what she has done is still hard for my brain to process. She left me standing out in the world, completely exposed, and just walked away with a shrug in her shoulders. Worst part is, she doesn't even realize what the fuck I am talking about when I tried to put into words what she did. All I got back was, "I am so sorry...I just can't be who you deserve...I was bored...I wish I could go back...there's nothing I can do to make it right"...etc etc etc. No understanding, no empathy, no remorse. THERE WAS something you could have done to make it right, only you CHOSE not to you selfish, self centered, spoiled brat.
My past issues are not her problem. The fact I have had such trust issues is not her problem. But, she sure knew how to make them worse instead of better. While I was seeking help for my hell of a childhood she was having unprotected sex with her coworker in our bed. While I was facing a hell I don't wish on my worse enemy, she was letting this guy dump his load all over our bed. And while I was doing all the work to simply stop thinking about death on a daily basis, she was lying straight to my face, sleeping with the both of us at the same time. She let me believe my personal problems were why she didn't want me back in our home. She kept me on a couch at a relatives while she was carrying her affair along. She let me think I was the problem. She didn't have the integrity to stop lying behind my back, stop cheating behind my back, sleeping with this other guy behind my back, and talking to him behind my back while in reconciliation with me. She actually thought it was okay to have unprotected sex with me after having it with this OM all because she TRUSTED him!? Oh, and because they are both in the medical field, they got tested...so that made it okay! Repulsive and such an utter disrespect for me as a human being. She couldn't even acknowledge that she gave our marriage a false R. She actually believes it was genuine. She actually believes she is doing me a favor. Some favor...some favor indeed. It is the very definition of heart breaking. And she doesn't get it, and never will. Such a liar, such a toxic person to my life. No less toxic than any other abuser. My fault for trusting her. My fault for placing my trust into someone so deceptive and void of empathy or maturity. She is a horrible person...through and through. If she ever wakes up and realizes just the extent of the horrific things she's done to another human being... what a painful day that will be for her. She has no clue. Oh but she's just lost and broken...bullshit. She's an adult. She chooses to be this selfish and void of integrity. Her CHOICE... screw her FOO. She's simply a horrible and evil person. She's tried to tell me before. Well, now I hear you...now I believe it. Now I am not rooting for you as the person I once believed you were capable of. You are exactly the horrible and evil person you thought all along. I loved you, I took you back over and over. I gave you a gift you didn't deserve, because that's apart of love. What did you do? You threw it away just because you were bored and wanted more attention from your sleazy fuck buddy. After everything, after all our talks, after I opened up to you, after you saw what an affair did to your friend first hand, and after you saw the damage it did to me, you still CHOSE to go and do it again. You don't deserve even the slightest notion or act of love from me again. You did this. You killed and smothered something good and true. I was your ally, your cheerleader, your greatest supporter. Now, I want to care less...because caring about you will eventually kill everything I have worked so hard to face.
Indifference is my only goal at this point. What a day that will be. After this...I will be bullet proof...hell I will be mortar proof. I will never be this vulnerable to another woman again.
[This message edited by justme1264 at 3:24 PM, August 4th (Monday)]