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self esteem issues

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justme1264 posted 8/4/2014 14:49 PM

I have had body image issues since I was a child. But, this is a whole new hell. I can't stand my body since my stbxww's affair. No matter how much I run, or workout it never seems enough. It isn't even about looks. It is about "feeling" absence of self disgust. I guess in a way it is beneficial. My physical health is benefiting I suppose. I know her A had nothing to do with me, or let alone how I look. But, it doesn't change how it affected me. I am starting not to enjoy the little things anymore, like certain food. Most of it repulses me. I used to grab my favorite donut on Fridays with a cup of I don't dare because of how shitty it makes me feel. The harder I try, the more disgusting I feel. It's a vicious cycle. I can't even take off my shirt at a pool party unless I had a few drinks to calm me down. And even then I can't relax. I am not over weight, or have any logical reason to be so disgusted with myself. I reason to myself, if I just put on another 15 lbs of muscle and lose every once of fat I might be able to stop obsessing. Anyone else have become overly self conscious with your body since post DD?

I am considering going back to EMDR therapy for this. I had thought about it before because I know it mostly stems from childhood abuse, and it was something my old therapist wanted me to explore. But, it was never this terrible...this consuming. I am just so tired of therapy. I have been in it for too long. My entire being is completely exhausted.

My wife's betrayal just keeps on giving and giving. I trusted her with my insecurities and vulnerabilities. First person I ever learned to trust. It went against every fiber in my being. The shock of what she has done is still hard for my brain to process. She left me standing out in the world, completely exposed, and just walked away with a shrug in her shoulders. Worst part is, she doesn't even realize what the fuck I am talking about when I tried to put into words what she did. All I got back was, "I am so sorry...I just can't be who you deserve...I was bored...I wish I could go back...there's nothing I can do to make it right"...etc etc etc. No understanding, no empathy, no remorse. THERE WAS something you could have done to make it right, only you CHOSE not to you selfish, self centered, spoiled brat.

My past issues are not her problem. The fact I have had such trust issues is not her problem. But, she sure knew how to make them worse instead of better. While I was seeking help for my hell of a childhood she was having unprotected sex with her coworker in our bed. While I was facing a hell I don't wish on my worse enemy, she was letting this guy dump his load all over our bed. And while I was doing all the work to simply stop thinking about death on a daily basis, she was lying straight to my face, sleeping with the both of us at the same time. She let me believe my personal problems were why she didn't want me back in our home. She kept me on a couch at a relatives while she was carrying her affair along. She let me think I was the problem. She didn't have the integrity to stop lying behind my back, stop cheating behind my back, sleeping with this other guy behind my back, and talking to him behind my back while in reconciliation with me. She actually thought it was okay to have unprotected sex with me after having it with this OM all because she TRUSTED him!? Oh, and because they are both in the medical field, they got that made it okay! Repulsive and such an utter disrespect for me as a human being. She couldn't even acknowledge that she gave our marriage a false R. She actually believes it was genuine. She actually believes she is doing me a favor. Some favor...some favor indeed. It is the very definition of heart breaking. And she doesn't get it, and never will. Such a liar, such a toxic person to my life. No less toxic than any other abuser. My fault for trusting her. My fault for placing my trust into someone so deceptive and void of empathy or maturity. She is a horrible person...through and through. If she ever wakes up and realizes just the extent of the horrific things she's done to another human being... what a painful day that will be for her. She has no clue. Oh but she's just lost and broken...bullshit. She's an adult. She chooses to be this selfish and void of integrity. Her CHOICE... screw her FOO. She's simply a horrible and evil person. She's tried to tell me before. Well, now I hear I believe it. Now I am not rooting for you as the person I once believed you were capable of. You are exactly the horrible and evil person you thought all along. I loved you, I took you back over and over. I gave you a gift you didn't deserve, because that's apart of love. What did you do? You threw it away just because you were bored and wanted more attention from your sleazy fuck buddy. After everything, after all our talks, after I opened up to you, after you saw what an affair did to your friend first hand, and after you saw the damage it did to me, you still CHOSE to go and do it again. You don't deserve even the slightest notion or act of love from me again. You did this. You killed and smothered something good and true. I was your ally, your cheerleader, your greatest supporter. Now, I want to care less...because caring about you will eventually kill everything I have worked so hard to face.

Indifference is my only goal at this point. What a day that will be. After this...I will be bullet proof...hell I will be mortar proof. I will never be this vulnerable to another woman again.

[This message edited by justme1264 at 3:24 PM, August 4th (Monday)]

tesla posted 8/4/2014 15:32 PM


I'm sorry you are in so much pain. I remember it well and I promise you that if you are willing to put in the hard, painful work that you will be able to stand strong. You may even decide to trust someone again...but I can't speak to that as I've not reached that point yet.

I think you are right, your body image obsession is a manifestation of deeper problems...sort of like cutting...dunno if that is a good analogy. But you have complete control over what you put into your body which probably somehow makes you feel better since other aspects of your life are not in control.

healingroad posted 8/4/2014 16:21 PM


I know this sucks. Infidelity is such a mindfuck to start with, and you're obviously weighed down by a bunch of your own stuff too. I'm sure it feels overwhelming.

I wish there was some tonic I could give you but for now I'd just say, focus on the basics and going slow. I don't remember your situation with IC, but do that if you can.

It's not entirely bad that you're working through this with physical training. Building the body will in turn help the mind. Recognize that you can overdo it, and don't use it as an excuse to ignore the deeper issues, but for now it seems like a good way to work through this.

You WILL get stronger. Just stay with it. Work it moment to moment. Don't put anything heavy on yourself, for sure you've got enough there already.

You will detach from your toxic STBXWW. Know that. It won't be easy. Your mind is wired so that in a real sense she's a part of you, but that wiring will change over time.

I'm pulling for you. I'm sure we all are.

Ashland13 posted 8/4/2014 17:26 PM

FWIW, I have something similar going on. It's from inside, is my belief for myself, kind of like you say.

I know it's there but it's like another person almost following me that I can't get rid of. My habits are a little different but my esteem tells me things like not to bother dating because I will fail again anyway, even with things I know must be true.

I too, grew tired of therapy after 1.5 years and couldn't seem to get away from it. One thing that started to help is not thinking. Just being kind of robotic and Slow and steady, one small task a day and I began to feel like he didn't "win"...but there are setbacks to push through, too.

I'm sorry for your pain and the feeling that we take it out on ourselves, sometimes. But remember, just stayed. Though I don't know the story. You didn't fail. As people tell me. FWIW.

HeBrokeVows posted 8/4/2014 18:16 PM

I'm so glad you used this board to vent it out. They will never understand the pain. They couldn't even imagine. She will never get it. This really stood out to me "I trusted her with my insecurities and vulnerabilities".

I feel the same. I gave him my all, all my deepest secrets, fears and insecurities to be left high and dry at the end. It's a horrible feeling I know. Just keep venting, journaling and getting it all out. Get the anger out in a healthy way like you just did.

You're stronger than you realize. Give yourself some slack. Try that donut again on Fridays and enjoy it because you deserve it. She doesn't deserve to take a donut from you after she's taken everything else.

Hugs to you.

justme1264 posted 8/4/2014 19:06 PM

you guys and gals are awesome. Thank you all.

HeBrokeVows - I know just what you mean. I went out today for lunch and had a steak sandwich and a fat donut. The funniest thing happened...a beautiful woman made conversation with me about how much I was enjoying that donut. She said it's good to see a man enjoying the small things in life, and how it made her smile to see how happy I appeared over a donut. I couldn't even really respond. I was a bit taken back. I don't believe in signs, but that was one hell of a coincidence.

I started running again early in the morning just before the sun comes out. It is my own personal therapy right now, being able to run before anyone is up, with my music, and just the pavement in front of me. I have a marathon coming up soon and can't wait to run my lungs out. It will take place just before my divorce is final. It has a certain meaning to me that I just can't place yet. But, I know what will be on my mind come the 20th mile. I intend to finish strong and fast.

A lot of what I said in this post was out of pure hurt. Getting it out helps so much. I am not as angry anymore. It feels like some weight was taken off my shoulders to simply know there are people who do get it. It reminds me I am not crazy, unhealthy, or some sort of love addict. I loved my wife, one woman, and I loved her entirely. I was loyal and dedicated. I would have walked through fire for our marriage. Nothing unhealthy about that. Nothing unhealthy with putting your trust, vulnerabilities, and secrets into your spouse. It's called intimacy. It's called marriage.

Everyone is broken in some way or another. But what separates me from her is the fact I don't go around ruining other's lives, and especially the heart of the person who was supposed to be your "partner."

HeBrokeVows posted 8/4/2014 23:53 PM

How ironic about that woman saying that to you today! That's great. So good to hear. Keep doing what you're doing. I had girls night out tonight with friends and I only teared up for five minutes. New record! But that's what we are supposed to do. Grieve and vent. Hang in there!!

deena posted 8/5/2014 00:21 AM

You are still fresh with the hurt of the last D-Day. It is heartbreaking, but it does improve a little.
I do know how you feel I think.
My WH left me while I was going to counselling for childhood molestation. To be with someone else.
I didn't suspect. He came back over a year later. Cheated more. Then I found out.

This is the lowest blow a person can do. Cheat on someone that trusts. One night may be a mistake....but several is just selfishness and cruelty.

You will make it out of this. It will get less painful.
Therapy for your body issues may be a good idea. I was sick of so much therapy, but I always felt better seeing one even for a little while

I am so glad that your vent helped enough to get you out. And very ironic that you would meet a donut girl. A good sign.

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