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Tonight I feel really alone. We have just moved house to an area where I know no one at all. We are much more in the countryside than before, which is quite daunting. It's just BH and i here. Our kids are with his parents while we move.

Today has been tough. He woke up this morning not wanting to touch me or look at me as he had triggered. I just don't know what to do. I'm taking everything he throws at me, trying to be humble and I truly am remorseful. I hate the insults but I did it so I have to take the punishment.

There is something I am really fighting with though. The year before I had the A was very difficult as BH was angry a lot and whenever I tried to communicate with him he shouted me down. We were all walking on eggshells at home, me and the kids, and I was always scared of setting him off. In the end I reacted by drawing away from him and this distancing was one of the things i did that made me able to have an A.

Now of course BH is very angry and communication is very difficult. It reminds me of the year or so before the A. This time i am trying to be strong, to not distance myself (I know this is my natural reaction and I should not do this anymore.) it's so hard. I feel like we've been here before only this time it really is because of me. Last time it wasn't really because of me, it just felt like it. I don't know what to do when everything I do is wrong and I cannot have a voice on any topic. I know I put myself in this situation this time, I can only blame myself and I do. I know I have to keep working on myself and change myself. I feel like I've had years of this situation - pre A and now post A. How is anything ever going to change? I know I can only change myself and how I act. Which i am really consciously working on.

Sorry I don't know what my point is, I guess I'm just feeling down tonight. And scared that before I ever had an A, BH took his all frustration and anger out on me. And now he has a good reason to. How can it ever change? Tonight I feel so alone. Thanks for listening...

Lostcat...

I'm removing the stop sign icon as you are a Madhatter and that prevents you from using that particular icon.

Please be careful in the future to click that off before posting your thread.

Hey, LostCat...

As a newcomer here myself, I sincerely wish I had advice to give you, but I can only offer that I am in the exact same spot as you are right now, feeling isolated, feeling just as you did before the A, and knowing the RIGHT thing to do this time (and doing it) despite feeling alone. Everything you said rings true. It makes you feel unworthy of even feeling needy, doesn't it? Like 'who am I to ask for friends?'

I find your post comforting to a degree because the things you're trying to do now (going through feeling alone, just taking what's thrown at you and remaining humble, feeling remorse, and doing what you can while hoping for the silver lining, knowing it's your fault) is note-for-note what I'm going through with my BS. I hope that lets you know that at least you aren't alone. Personally, I just made a post here last night to try to deal with this very thing, and make friends, even here in SI.

Food for thought?

[This message edited by RMarred at 4:20 PM, August 12th (Tuesday)]

Lost,

Have you picked up "how to help your spouse to heal from your affair" yet?

It's a quick read and lays out the what you need to do to help your BH.

How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful by Linda J. MacDonald http://www.amazon.com/dp/145055332X/ref=cm_sw_r_udp_awd_lec4tb17TAVQZ

I hate the insults but I did it so I have to take the punishment.

Lostcat, if you really want to make some changes you need to start by changing your perspective. The statement above implies that you are putting in your time. That if you put up with his behavior and behave yourself, your punishment or sentence will come to a close. What's happening in your life is not a punishment at all. It is the consequence of your actions. There is no set period of time to "put up with" your BH before you have clearance to go about business as usual. Hopefully there will never be a business as usual. Hopefully you will do the work required to become a healthier person. As you do the and change your behaviors and actions, your environment will most likely follow suit.

Unfortunately that will be difficult for you when you are blaming your BH for your actions

In the end I reacted by drawing away from him and this distancing was one of the things i did that made me able to have an A.

I feel you blaming your BH for your A. Let's be clear that the only person to blame for your distancing yourself from your M is you. Is it possible that you have rewritten your BH's behaviors pre-A? Is it possible that you aren't owning your part to the dysfunctional dynamic you may have? Is it possible that he wasn't actually withdrawn but that was your perception because you may have been needing too much?

If you want things to change, first start with yourself. He may not be ready to look at changes he needs to make. You need to decide if you can be ok with that. If not, you have every right to walk away. You have every right to ask for what you need. Just try to look at your M through his lenses. What does it look like?

IMO, you should try to make changes within yourself before you begin to ask him to make changes of himself. As you heal, you may be surprised at how many of his problems were actually just your own.

I just wanted to let you know that I can totally relate.

And I'm just trying to bite my tongue because of all the responses that I'll get telling me that I'm justifying, or I'm putting the blame for my behavior on my husband....

NO--I am not. I had choices. I made bad decisions, and the first bad decision I made came WAY before my affair. I did not establish BOUNDARIES about how I will and won't be communicated with.

For those of you who haven't lived with someone who's FIRST response is always anger, and you truly do not know from one moment to the next, what type of response you are going to get...you just have NO idea the pain it causes. You look at someone who supposedly loves you, supposedly is your "safety net" in the world, only to have them lash out at you unfairly, regularly and with such ferocity and venom, that you absolutely DISTANCE yourself.

Reconciliation in my opinion, requires that we formerly wayward AGREE to stick it out, while our BS's are rightfully going through some very negative and tough emotions. The first stages of "After the affair"..but for true reconciliation there has to be rules established for the "new" relationship that looks nothing like the "old" relationship. If that can't happen..then basically all the old patterns start to emerge.

And wrong as you were to have an affair--the angry and volatile attacks shouldn't be the default. They should be the overloads. Daily you can be told that your actions were really selfish, and they caused so much pain and mistrust...but NOT everyday or even every other..do you deserve to be yelled at, humiliated, and meant to hurt.

Phhhhhhheeeewww....sorry...but I do know that I'm drawing a line in the sand even during reconciliation. Because without it... there can't be one.

Thank you for your responses everyone. It's really good to know I'm not alone in feeling like this.

In answer to some of the replies, when I wrote that I distanced myself and this was one of the things that led to the A, I am not blaming BH. What I mean is that distancing myself and going into myself as a reaction to his anger was my reaction and instead of doing this, I should have tried harder to communicate with him, to find out what was underneath his anger (and also to get him to go to IC. Unfortunately IC and MC were not things I considered at all at the time - I don't know why.) I can see how my own actions led to me being able to have an affair. I don't blame BH, I blame myself. I am now trying to keep open. My first response when he is angry is to shut down. I am really really trying not to do this. Last night after I wrote this post, I went to him and we had a little chat which was quite constructive. If I can change my reactions to his anger, maybe he can change his anger?

It's also good to hear from someone who understands about living with anger. I understand that I made terrible choices and I did not have to go and have an A. No one made me do that. Walking on eggshells with someone who takes all their sadness, frustration and annoyance out on you as anger is difficult though, and I really hope BH goes to IC to sort out this problem. I am working on myself, but I know that there is a "pre-existing condition" that BH needs to sort out in himself before we can truly R. I guess this is something that worries me a lot. Now I have done this, BH really does have a reason to be angry with me and that is never going to go away.

Of course I cannot persuade him to go to IC or even really talk to him about that at the moment. Maybe the time will come in the future when the time is right. For the moment I will keep working on myself.

I don't live in an English speaking country so I have ordered the book how to help your spouse heal but am still waiting for it to arrive. I've read and reread the other recommended books.

Thank you everyone. I feel like SI is becoming a lifeline. In the past when BH got angry I would think about AP, but now I am reading SI as support in difficult times and it's really helping to keep me focused on the path I've chosen.

This is a very interesting series of posts. I can really relate to a lot of what has been said here. Thank you all so much. It helps.

Lostcat, it sounds to me like the two of you had serious communication problems prior to your A, and the A has of course made everything worse. Your BH has every right to be angry, but if you're not able to hear what he's saying and respond appropriately, it's going to make his anger and frustrtion worse, and increase your emotional distance. MC is valuable. You need to develop new patterns of communicating so you both can feel heard and understood. IMO, I don't see how a couple can successfully R unless both partners are committed to healthy communication.

You are definitely not alone in your feelings. Without blaming your BS, I think it's fair to acknowledge your weak marriage was a factor in your decision to stray. How it got weak is something you both get to take credit for. My IC has me practice confrontations with my BS or we will continue our negative pattern of communication. For example when he berates (IMO) one of the kids for poor homework instead of me silently seething or leaving the room or best yet pouring another glass of wine, I need to take him into another room and say "I find myself wanting to withdraw from this situation because I don't agree with how you are responding. I want us to be a team instead of opponents when disciplining the kids. Help me understand your point of view so we can come up with a plan. Then I will have your back"

I have only had the courage to do this once. I have been so afraid of those simple words. I kept thinking that if I really told him how I felt, then it would be over forever. But my IC tells me that if I'm not saying what I feel, it should be over. Me bringing this up in a "I want us to be a team" fashion resulted in the best real discussion he and I have had in months. He knew he was always under my silent scruitny, it put pressure on him and made him act out even more.

I don't know if that helps. I know how it feels to be so lonely when you are standing right next to your life partner. It's awful. Break the cycle