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Newest Member: FaithGrace

Reconciliation :
Googling old ap. WS, please respond

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 MomtoRoses (original poster member #42271) posted at 12:30 AM on Tuesday, August 5th, 2014

Ok, we are several months into reconciliation. He's doing a lot of good things: ic, sa meetings, new job etc.

But last week, I caught him googling one of his old longterm ap.

Is this a legitimate reason?? He said he wanted to see her picture to remind himself of how low he went (he affaired down, trust me).

He did not tell his sa sponsor or his ic. Only admitted it to me after I hounded him bc I knew he was hiding something. Then finally told me.

Please give me your thoughts.

For all ws, have you ever felt need to see pic of old ap so you know you are doing the right thing by staying w/ your wife??

i'm the bs
he is the wh.
7 ddays: affairs, online activities, ea, pa, longterm pa,longterm ea, one night stands.
I'm the last to know.

posts: 86   ·   registered: Jan. 30th, 2014
id 6897643
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RippedSoul ( member #40055) posted at 12:38 AM on Tuesday, August 5th, 2014

Not a WS. But if he checks, IMHO, he checks because he's still addicted or obsessed or curious. I actually get it. I, too, am obsessed. I check her FB front page every few weeks (looking for who knows what--a different photo? one that makes her look sad? ugly?), so pointing fingers can't be done comfortably. That said, he's lying to you and to himself and that does no one any good in the long run. Addicts often have impulse control issues--perhaps he can talk to his IC or sponsor about that?

BW: 55; SLAWH: 52; M: 28 yrs
DD#1--11/30/12 (prostitute 1)
DD#2--1/29/13 (WH confessed: P1, AP, escorts 1 & 2)
DD#3--9/13 (trolling MILF site)
DD#4--10/8/13 (EA with AP cont'd)
DD: 26; DD: 24; DS: 22; DS: 20
I've never NOT edited my posts.

posts: 716   ·   registered: Jul. 26th, 2013   ·   location: West
id 6897653
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rachelc ( member #30314) posted at 3:22 AM on Tuesday, August 5th, 2014

WS here- nope

posts: 7613   ·   registered: Dec. 6th, 2010   ·   location: Midwest
id 6897834
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20WrongsVs1 ( member #39000) posted at 4:14 AM on Tuesday, August 5th, 2014

He said he wanted to see her picture to remind himself of how low he went

Sorry, but that's lame. If that were the real reason, why not confess right away?

No, I've never looked up a pic of AP so I could reassure myself that I was doing the right thing by staying. And I have no interest in reminding myself what a friggin' idiot I was.

fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
Former motto: "Fake it till ya make it." Now: "You can't win if you don't play."

posts: 1523   ·   registered: Apr. 15th, 2013   ·   location: The First Coast
id 6897904
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pantsonfire106 ( new member #35748) posted at 5:34 AM on Tuesday, August 5th, 2014

WS. No, never and I think any excuse is just that...an excuse.

It doesn't take APs picture to remind me how low I fell.

I just have to look in my BW's eyes.

If a man is wrong about himself, and others are wrong about him, who is left to say what he really is?

posts: 39   ·   registered: Jun. 5th, 2012
id 6898016
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 MomtoRoses (original poster member #42271) posted at 2:52 PM on Tuesday, August 5th, 2014

THank you for your responses. It hasn't set right with me for last two days.

Anyone else have thoughts?

i'm the bs
he is the wh.
7 ddays: affairs, online activities, ea, pa, longterm pa,longterm ea, one night stands.
I'm the last to know.

posts: 86   ·   registered: Jan. 30th, 2014
id 6898301
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DrJekyll ( member #43618) posted at 2:56 PM on Tuesday, August 5th, 2014

WS here

I would treat as a break in NC

he then hid it

lied about it

forced you to hound him before he disclosed

For me any thought of AP makes me want to puke and sometime punch them in the face. Not wonder how they are doing. My hunch is he is still hiding details, maybe still focused on himself and how things affect him. but that's JMHO

A wound can be stitched shut, but it decides when it will heal on its own.

ME: WH HER: BS (holesinmybucket)

I do not PM with Women

Hardships often prepare ordinary people for an extraordinary destiny. C.S.Lewis

posts: 1266   ·   registered: Jun. 3rd, 2014   ·   location: Midwest
id 6898308
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Neznayou ( member #40654) posted at 2:59 PM on Tuesday, August 5th, 2014

Not no but hell no as the old saying goes.

Furthermore, I believe it is a violation of NC to look up XAP.

Him: BH 1969
Me: WW 1973

Wedding: April 9, 1994

Son: 1998 (college freshman)
Son: 2002 (high school freshman)

Caught at AP's house: 10 Aug 2012

I do not have it all together.

posts: 862   ·   registered: Sep. 12th, 2013   ·   location: Far, far away
id 6898317
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Neznayou ( member #40654) posted at 2:59 PM on Tuesday, August 5th, 2014

Stupid slow internet.

Double posting.

[This message edited by Neznayou at 12:07 PM, August 5th (Tuesday)]

Him: BH 1969
Me: WW 1973

Wedding: April 9, 1994

Son: 1998 (college freshman)
Son: 2002 (high school freshman)

Caught at AP's house: 10 Aug 2012

I do not have it all together.

posts: 862   ·   registered: Sep. 12th, 2013   ·   location: Far, far away
id 6898318
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Hurtbuthopeful35 ( member #44302) posted at 2:59 PM on Tuesday, August 5th, 2014

He needs to get that doing this only makes you feel upset and suspicious. That should trump any "reason" he has.

No contact. None. Forever and in no way, shape or form.

Me: BW; Him: WH 44
1st Dday 10/2010; last Dday 6/23/2014
LTA w/ ex gf

posts: 2002   ·   registered: Jul. 30th, 2014
id 6898319
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ImSorry11 ( member #43517) posted at 10:22 PM on Tuesday, August 5th, 2014

WW here. That's unacceptable. He needs to be practicing mental NC as well.

Me: WW 33
Him: BH 37
DDay 5/23/14, 4 month EA/PA
Married 8 years Together 12
3 Beautiful Kiddos

posts: 54   ·   registered: May. 24th, 2014
id 6898834
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whattheh ( member #40032) posted at 10:51 PM on Tuesday, August 5th, 2014

My fWH never googled the OW. He was repulsed by the thought of her.

Retired & now in 60's-M 39 Yrs-DD 2013-TT for 3 yrs (new details incl there had been 3 more MOWs)--all this started with porn use for mid 50s WH (felt he was possessed)~~Cheating and aftermath is huge time waste with high opportunity cost~~

posts: 1547   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2013   ·   location: USA
id 6898866
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Hatemyhusband ( member #41633) posted at 12:16 AM on Wednesday, August 6th, 2014

Problem 1- he hid it

Problem 2- he did it

Problem 3- he's lying to u and probably himself the true reason for the google

MC session time.

posts: 667   ·   registered: Dec. 12th, 2013
id 6898978
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bionicgal ( member #39803) posted at 12:32 AM on Wednesday, August 6th, 2014

It is good he finally admitted it, but needs to get to why he did it.

My H's AP checked him out on LinkedIn a 5 months post dday. She showed up as having visited his page. I notified the OBS immediately, and told her & OBS that my H and I both felt it was a violation of our space. (And really, to let her know there were no more secrets.)

At around the same time my H saw AP pop up in "people you might know" on the side of LinkedIn on his phone. (I was with him.) He went to 'X' it out, and it started to load her page. He was like "Oh Shit! She's going to think I checked out her page!" We stressed about it, so he sent an email to OBS explaining what happened, and reiterated his desire for NC. Of course, she was all like "Oh, that is what I did, too!" ha ha

The fact that her OBS believes her is a continual source of amazement to me. Our MC even joked about it ahead of time, "Well, she won't be able to say she did the same thing.. ." and rolled his eyes. Well, guess what?

Anyway, this is a long way of saying, he is kind of far of base from what you are wanting NC-wise.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 6:33 PM, August 5th (Tuesday)]

me - BS (45) - DDay - June 2013
A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." -- C.S. Lewis.

posts: 3521   ·   registered: Jul. 11th, 2013   ·   location: USA
id 6898994
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WastedTime12 ( member #34767) posted at 4:12 AM on Wednesday, August 6th, 2014

I am a BS but I have to say I think that is as good as when my ex told me he googled his AP to "just" see how she was doing. He just forgot to add that part about hooking back up with her is all. Sorry, I wouldn't believe what your WS is telling you.

Life is meant to be lived, not numbed!

In his quest for freedom, he set me free!

posts: 465   ·   registered: Feb. 8th, 2012   ·   location: Dallas, TX
id 6899221
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stunnedin12 ( member #38141) posted at 4:20 AM on Wednesday, August 6th, 2014

Wh knows that if I find out he even thinks of ap that he is out the door. If he dares to google her or anyone who knows her he'll be out the door faster than he can take a breath. Not an option under any circumstances.

ME - Betrayed Spouse
Him - Wayward spouse

Lawyers involved.


posts: 689   ·   registered: Jan. 16th, 2013
id 6899233
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 MomtoRoses (original poster member #42271) posted at 4:04 PM on Thursday, August 7th, 2014

THANK YOU all for your responses.

I've had a few days to think about it, and considering your responses, I do believe it was a break in nc and I find his reason, dubious at best. I feel like a poly at this point would be the nuclear option and I can't put him on a poly everytime he does something questionable. At some point, it's put up or shut up.

I want to make my marriage work, but I can't want it more than he does.

Tough spot to be in.

i'm the bs
he is the wh.
7 ddays: affairs, online activities, ea, pa, longterm pa,longterm ea, one night stands.
I'm the last to know.

posts: 86   ·   registered: Jan. 30th, 2014
id 6901173
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DrJekyll ( member #43618) posted at 4:09 PM on Thursday, August 7th, 2014

with nothing to hide. I have taken 1 poly. And being open and honest. I agree to take as many polys as my BS wants. whenever she is uncertain.

But every situation is different. sending you strength.

A wound can be stitched shut, but it decides when it will heal on its own.

ME: WH HER: BS (holesinmybucket)

I do not PM with Women

Hardships often prepare ordinary people for an extraordinary destiny. C.S.Lewis

posts: 1266   ·   registered: Jun. 3rd, 2014   ·   location: Midwest
id 6901180
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rachelc ( member #30314) posted at 4:14 PM on Thursday, August 7th, 2014

If he dares to google her or anyone who knows her he'll be out the door faster than he can take a breath. Not an option under any circumstances.

it would, for me, be a dealbreaker as well.

posts: 7613   ·   registered: Dec. 6th, 2010   ·   location: Midwest
id 6901189
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