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Ok, we are several months into reconciliation. He's doing a lot of good things: ic, sa meetings, new job etc.

But last week, I caught him googling one of his old longterm ap.

Is this a legitimate reason?? He said he wanted to see her picture to remind himself of how low he went (he affaired down, trust me).

He did not tell his sa sponsor or his ic. Only admitted it to me after I hounded him bc I knew he was hiding something. Then finally told me.

Please give me your thoughts.

For all ws, have you ever felt need to see pic of old ap so you know you are doing the right thing by staying w/ your wife??

Not a WS. But if he checks, IMHO, he checks because he's still addicted or obsessed or curious. I actually get it. I, too, am obsessed. I check her FB front page every few weeks (looking for who knows what--a different photo? one that makes her look sad? ugly?), so pointing fingers can't be done comfortably. That said, he's lying to you and to himself and that does no one any good in the long run. Addicts often have impulse control issues--perhaps he can talk to his IC or sponsor about that?

WS here- nope

He said he wanted to see her picture to remind himself of how low he went

Sorry, but that's lame. If that were the real reason, why not confess right away?

No, I've never looked up a pic of AP so I could reassure myself that I was doing the right thing by staying. And I have no interest in reminding myself what a friggin' idiot I was.

WS. No, never and I think any excuse is just that...an excuse.

It doesn't take APs picture to remind me how low I fell.

I just have to look in my BW's eyes.

THank you for your responses. It hasn't set right with me for last two days.

Anyone else have thoughts?

WS here

I would treat as a break in NC

he then hid it

lied about it

forced you to hound him before he disclosed

For me any thought of AP makes me want to puke and sometime punch them in the face. Not wonder how they are doing. My hunch is he is still hiding details, maybe still focused on himself and how things affect him. but that's JMHO

Not no but hell no as the old saying goes.

Furthermore, I believe it is a violation of NC to look up XAP.

Stupid slow internet.

Double posting.

[This message edited by Neznayou at 12:07 PM, August 5th (Tuesday)]

He needs to get that doing this only makes you feel upset and suspicious. That should trump any "reason" he has.

No contact. None. Forever and in no way, shape or form.

WW here. That's unacceptable. He needs to be practicing mental NC as well.

My fWH never googled the OW. He was repulsed by the thought of her.

Problem 1- he hid it

Problem 2- he did it

Problem 3- he's lying to u and probably himself the true reason for the google

MC session time.

It is good he finally admitted it, but needs to get to why he did it.

My H's AP checked him out on LinkedIn a 5 months post dday. She showed up as having visited his page. I notified the OBS immediately, and told her & OBS that my H and I both felt it was a violation of our space. (And really, to let her know there were no more secrets.)

At around the same time my H saw AP pop up in "people you might know" on the side of LinkedIn on his phone. (I was with him.) He went to 'X' it out, and it started to load her page. He was like "Oh Shit! She's going to think I checked out her page!" We stressed about it, so he sent an email to OBS explaining what happened, and reiterated his desire for NC. Of course, she was all like "Oh, that is what I did, too!" ha ha

The fact that her OBS believes her is a continual source of amazement to me. Our MC even joked about it ahead of time, "Well, she won't be able to say she did the same thing.. ." and rolled his eyes. Well, guess what?

Anyway, this is a long way of saying, he is kind of far of base from what you are wanting NC-wise.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 6:33 PM, August 5th (Tuesday)]

I am a BS but I have to say I think that is as good as when my ex told me he googled his AP to "just" see how she was doing. He just forgot to add that part about hooking back up with her is all. Sorry, I wouldn't believe what your WS is telling you.

Wh knows that if I find out he even thinks of ap that he is out the door. If he dares to google her or anyone who knows her he'll be out the door faster than he can take a breath. Not an option under any circumstances.

THANK YOU all for your responses.

I've had a few days to think about it, and considering your responses, I do believe it was a break in nc and I find his reason, dubious at best. I feel like a poly at this point would be the nuclear option and I can't put him on a poly everytime he does something questionable. At some point, it's put up or shut up.

I want to make my marriage work, but I can't want it more than he does.

Tough spot to be in.

with nothing to hide. I have taken 1 poly. And being open and honest. I agree to take as many polys as my BS wants. whenever she is uncertain.

But every situation is different. sending you strength.

If he dares to google her or anyone who knows her he'll be out the door faster than he can take a breath. Not an option under any circumstances.

it would, for me, be a dealbreaker as well.