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Googling old ap. WS, please respond

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MomtoRoses posted 8/4/2014 18:30 PM

Ok, we are several months into reconciliation. He's doing a lot of good things: ic, sa meetings, new job etc.

But last week, I caught him googling one of his old longterm ap.

Is this a legitimate reason?? He said he wanted to see her picture to remind himself of how low he went (he affaired down, trust me).

He did not tell his sa sponsor or his ic. Only admitted it to me after I hounded him bc I knew he was hiding something. Then finally told me.

Please give me your thoughts.

For all ws, have you ever felt need to see pic of old ap so you know you are doing the right thing by staying w/ your wife??

RippedSoul posted 8/4/2014 18:38 PM

Not a WS. But if he checks, IMHO, he checks because he's still addicted or obsessed or curious. I actually get it. I, too, am obsessed. I check her FB front page every few weeks (looking for who knows what--a different photo? one that makes her look sad? ugly?), so pointing fingers can't be done comfortably. That said, he's lying to you and to himself and that does no one any good in the long run. Addicts often have impulse control issues--perhaps he can talk to his IC or sponsor about that?

rachelc posted 8/4/2014 21:22 PM

WS here- nope

20WrongsVs1 posted 8/4/2014 22:14 PM

He said he wanted to see her picture to remind himself of how low he went

Sorry, but that's lame. If that were the real reason, why not confess right away?

No, I've never looked up a pic of AP so I could reassure myself that I was doing the right thing by staying. And I have no interest in reminding myself what a friggin' idiot I was.

pantsonfire106 posted 8/4/2014 23:34 PM

WS. No, never and I think any excuse is just that...an excuse.
It doesn't take APs picture to remind me how low I fell.
I just have to look in my BW's eyes.

MomtoRoses posted 8/5/2014 08:52 AM

THank you for your responses. It hasn't set right with me for last two days.

Anyone else have thoughts?

DrJekyll posted 8/5/2014 08:56 AM

WS here

I would treat as a break in NC
he then hid it
lied about it
forced you to hound him before he disclosed

For me any thought of AP makes me want to puke and sometime punch them in the face. Not wonder how they are doing. My hunch is he is still hiding details, maybe still focused on himself and how things affect him. but that's JMHO

Neznayou posted 8/5/2014 08:59 AM

Not no but hell no as the old saying goes.

Furthermore, I believe it is a violation of NC to look up XAP.

Neznayou posted 8/5/2014 08:59 AM

Stupid slow internet.

Double posting.

[This message edited by Neznayou at 12:07 PM, August 5th (Tuesday)]

Hurtbuthopeful35 posted 8/5/2014 08:59 AM

He needs to get that doing this only makes you feel upset and suspicious. That should trump any "reason" he has.

No contact. None. Forever and in no way, shape or form.

ImSorry11 posted 8/5/2014 16:22 PM

WW here. That's unacceptable. He needs to be practicing mental NC as well.

whattheh posted 8/5/2014 16:51 PM

My fWH never googled the OW. He was repulsed by the thought of her.

Hatemyhusband posted 8/5/2014 18:16 PM

Problem 1- he hid it
Problem 2- he did it
Problem 3- he's lying to u and probably himself the true reason for the google

MC session time.

bionicgal posted 8/5/2014 18:32 PM

It is good he finally admitted it, but needs to get to why he did it.

My H's AP checked him out on LinkedIn a 5 months post dday. She showed up as having visited his page. I notified the OBS immediately, and told her & OBS that my H and I both felt it was a violation of our space. (And really, to let her know there were no more secrets.)

At around the same time my H saw AP pop up in "people you might know" on the side of LinkedIn on his phone. (I was with him.) He went to 'X' it out, and it started to load her page. He was like "Oh Shit! She's going to think I checked out her page!" We stressed about it, so he sent an email to OBS explaining what happened, and reiterated his desire for NC. Of course, she was all like "Oh, that is what I did, too!" ha ha

The fact that her OBS believes her is a continual source of amazement to me. Our MC even joked about it ahead of time, "Well, she won't be able to say she did the same thing.. ." and rolled his eyes. Well, guess what?

Anyway, this is a long way of saying, he is kind of far of base from what you are wanting NC-wise.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 6:33 PM, August 5th (Tuesday)]

WastedTime12 posted 8/5/2014 22:12 PM

I am a BS but I have to say I think that is as good as when my ex told me he googled his AP to "just" see how she was doing. He just forgot to add that part about hooking back up with her is all. Sorry, I wouldn't believe what your WS is telling you.

stunnedin12 posted 8/5/2014 22:20 PM

Wh knows that if I find out he even thinks of ap that he is out the door. If he dares to google her or anyone who knows her he'll be out the door faster than he can take a breath. Not an option under any circumstances.

MomtoRoses posted 8/7/2014 10:04 AM

THANK YOU all for your responses.

I've had a few days to think about it, and considering your responses, I do believe it was a break in nc and I find his reason, dubious at best. I feel like a poly at this point would be the nuclear option and I can't put him on a poly everytime he does something questionable. At some point, it's put up or shut up.

I want to make my marriage work, but I can't want it more than he does.

Tough spot to be in.

DrJekyll posted 8/7/2014 10:09 AM

with nothing to hide. I have taken 1 poly. And being open and honest. I agree to take as many polys as my BS wants. whenever she is uncertain.

But every situation is different. sending you strength.

rachelc posted 8/7/2014 10:14 AM

If he dares to google her or anyone who knows her he'll be out the door faster than he can take a breath. Not an option under any circumstances.

it would, for me, be a dealbreaker as well.

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