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"if you contact the OP and the spouse then we are through"

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TorontoGuy posted 8/4/2014 22:28 PM

Hi All,

I am looking for advice from both BS's and WS's (even more so from WS's).

I have disclosed to my WS that I feel strongly that we need to notify the OP and the OP's spouse re: the PA that has happened.

My WS's exact words tonight were:

"if you contact the OP and the spouse then we are through"

Any thoughts or comments?

HFSSC posted 8/4/2014 22:29 PM

"Okay. My attorney's name is XXXXX and his # is 123-4567. You can communicate with him from this point forward."

BtraydWife posted 8/4/2014 22:33 PM

Yep then you are through. Say goodbye and kick his ass out. He's holding you hostage with threats. This is emotional abuse. You don't want anything to do with a sicko who pulls this shit. Game over-he loses. Once he's out, call the other BS. Your husband is an obnoxious asshole of the lowest quality.

BtraydWife posted 8/4/2014 22:35 PM

Oops...your *wife*

All the rest still applies. This isn't right, don't allow her to do this to you.

Lark posted 8/4/2014 22:36 PM

Strange, if I knew then what I know now, I would've told my husband the exact same thing about OW1 a year ago. "If you contact OW1, then we are through."

And yet I wasn't given that choice and he started up an affair with her.

So no, WS don't get choices on whether or not you tell the OP's spouse. They don't get to control everyone's lives anymore.

Ascendant posted 8/4/2014 22:37 PM

I'd call his bluff (or call an attorney, either one works).

My guess is that he's worried that you're going to 'ruin' things with his AP by alerting the other BS(I'd say 'former', but his brain's still in the affair), or that the other BS knows more than you do and he's worried about that.

Either way, if you're going to do it don't warn him ahead of time; he may use the extra time to get his story straight with the AP.

Aubrie posted 8/4/2014 22:42 PM

FWW here.

My thoughts? "Buh-bye!"

I agree with Ascendant. Call the bluff.

Call the AP's BS, (Don't warn your WS) give the proof, and when WS goes bonkers, refer them to your attorney. Then change the locks on the house.

Any WS that covers for their AP is not reconciliation material. They are a danger to you.

MegM posted 8/4/2014 22:46 PM

This is bullying - you probably know that. Your wife is protecting discovery of her actions and the OP.

Many WS's try this - sometimes as a last resort to stay in the fog - either to hide from the truth or even to further gas light if the affair is continuing.

Before my husband fully acknowledged and disclosed the extent of his affair he said this to me.

I believe he was still protecting her, and also protecting their agreement to 'check in with each other' when the dust settled. He even said to me "I promised her he would never know"

It was H's window of hope and he knew if her H got any idea of their infidelity than they would have no chance of picking up again. He wanted to hedge his bets.

urggh I hate thinking about that time.

This is an attempt by your wife to bully and smoke screen you. She has betrayed your marriage. It is not for her to make ultimatums. It is now about what do you need, to know you have the truth and be prepared to reconcile.

further - the OP's wife deserves the truth. If you can do this - if you can find a way and if you decide it is not harmful to yourself - I can't encourage you enough.

The OP's husband never contacted me - not even to confirm that he had received my communication. It still haunts me.

If you can help this woman to reclaim her life and to know the truth. that is an incredible gift (although you will feel like the giver of pain - you are NOT!)

In terms of your own circumstances - be wary. this kind of threat often veils more lies - or even renewed contact. If you intend to communicate with OP's wife - I suggest you do not give your wife any further heads up about it.

best wishes TG


MegM posted 8/4/2014 22:47 PM

and this ....

Any WS that covers for their AP is not reconciliation material. They are a danger to you.
.... what Aubrie said!

RidingHealingRd posted 8/4/2014 22:49 PM

"if you contact the OP and the spouse then we are through"

To this I would reply, "Okay then, have a good life...asshole"

Then I would immediately pick up the phone and contact AP BS.

Don't participate in his game of intimidation and control.

Wayflost posted 8/4/2014 22:54 PM

Also the WW here.

I don't know when your Dday was. But I do know that I was a stubborn jackass for several weeks after discovery.

My BH called my bluff several times, and you know what? He was right. I did actually do much of the contacting of the OMBS. Was it perfect? Nope. But it was the start of me pulling my head out... I'm still a work in progress.

My vote? Call her bluff. But do it because you really are prepared to be over.

Didact posted 8/4/2014 23:08 PM

"I would really like to have the option to continue my affair when you settle down." Her claim that it will make R harder (or impossible) is verbatim from the cheater's handbook.

This is a no-brainer. She will be angry, very angry. When the fog clears, she will either be there or she won't. If this is all it takes to leave (after what she has done) then better to learn it now.

When I told OM's wife, my WW was furious. OM's wife was very grateful. She helped to make sure that the A hadn't gone underground (it hadn't, but the peace of mind was nice). The A very much ended at that point, if it hadn't before.

Now, while we are in R, WW is glad that I told OM's wife. OM's wife is glad. I am glad. OM is a piece of shit. So all was right with that choice.

This really is an easy choice TorontoGuy. Don't talk to your wife anymore about it, let her know AFTER you have talked with OM's wife, and only then. If you warn, they'll try to intercept, or make you look like a nutter. Also, be sure to actually talk with her, something like a FB message or similar could be OM running interference.

gonnabe2016 posted 8/4/2014 23:32 PM

"if you contact the OP and the spouse then we are through"
.....then Sayonara Baby.

Refuse to be bullied, dude. You've been dealt more than enough bullshit already.

norabird posted 8/4/2014 23:33 PM

Quite frankly this comment means that you are through anyway.

I would make this a hard boundary. She doesn't want to do it, fine, but you will file....AND you're still telling the OBS. Because she deserves to know.

It means she isn't remorseful, probably still in the A, cares more about OM than you, doesn't have any empathy or sense of responsibility, is deeply immature....just the biggest red flag ever.

Her saying this is a gift if it gets you to protect yourself by moving forward.

[This message edited by norabird at 11:36 PM, August 4th (Monday)]

HeBrokeVows posted 8/5/2014 00:27 AM

""Okay. My attorney's name is XXXXX and his # is 123-4567. You can communicate with him from this point forward." "

this exactly. I would refuse to be bullied. She's no longer calling the shots, you are.

Nature_Girl posted 8/5/2014 01:13 AM

Quite frankly this comment means that you are through anyway.

Exactly my thought.

william posted 8/5/2014 02:20 AM

it also means that the other mans betrayed spouse has no idea that shes beating cheated on.

if you didnt know ... would you want her to inform you or would you rather have not known?

you shouldnt submit to blackmail, you arent responsible for the consequences of your wife's actions, your wife cant decide what you tell or dont tell or to whom, and you know telling is the "right thing" to do.

if she cant accept that then she doesnt have remorse, she has regret. its better to find that out now than a year down the road...

healingroad posted 8/5/2014 03:16 AM

Arguably me exposing the OM to his BW was the thing that led us irrevocably towards D. (Details in my profile, towards the end.) But I don't regret it for a moment, because if that's really was a difference maker, then I wouldn't want to be married to her anyway. All it did was clarify things.

Plus, it's just the decent thing to do.

TorontoGuy, I know it's hard and all this is quite new to you, but you gotta push back. If you let her get away with that shit you'll never have your dignity, whether you D or not.

Holly-Isis posted 8/5/2014 05:24 AM

My reply:
Not my secret to keep. You brought this into our marriages by doing what you want. I'll do what I want and out the A.

Odds usually are that the MM throws the WW under the bus.

Honestly, I wish I hadn't listened to MrH when he convinced me not to tell xOw2's BH. They had filed for D but I feel like that aspect of my healing would be so much better by now.

[This message edited by Holly-Isis at 5:26 AM, August 5th (Tuesday)]

Badhurt posted 8/5/2014 06:04 AM

Don't tell her what you are doing . Just do it, and tell her she can find another place to live. She is still banging this guy and if you submit to this threat you are in for a world more hurt than any divorce will bring.
This one is simple. Either you stand up for your dignity and self esteem or you cave.
She is in total control now. You need to change that dynamic. Usually a few little papers from your attorney give her an idea her party is over

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