Topic: How long after separating did you file for divorce?
Member # 43789
| Posted: 11:30 PM, August 4th (Monday), 2014|
This is a bit of a vent, so please bare with me. So I've been separated from my husband for about a month now. The separation came after I found a picture of a naked woman standing in our bedroom on his cell phone. The picture was taken when I was 3 months pregnant. When I confronted him about this, he denied ever cheating on me and basically told me that the room in the background was not our bedroom and it was all just a misunderstanding, all lies and he knows it. Will last night he calls me to ask me when I would be able to sign divorce papers. I told him next month since I am really busy with work right now and do not really have the funds to split the cost of the divorce with him now. Well, my husband basically told me that next month is way too long to wait and he is worried about what he will have to tell a woman if he decides to date and that still being married to me was keeping him from being able to move on with his life. I have only been separated from this man for a month after he cheated on me. Next month would only make it two months! And he's already complaining that our divorce is taking too long. I cannot believe how thoughtless he is being. To tell me that I'm interfering with his dating because I won't sign divorce papers now is unbelievable to me. How can someone be so cruel and hurtful. He has to know that hearing him say that he wants to date right now would hurt me, but he doesn't care. My question is, how long after separating did you file for divorce?
Posts: 13 | Registered: Jun 2014
Member # 43859
| Posted: 11:42 PM, August 4th (Monday), 2014|
I'm sorry you are going through this.
My husband said the same things and wanted the divorce very fast. He wanted me to file the day after he moved out. He pushed me every single day after that to file for divorce, claiming he needed the divorce to put his life back on track.
So I finally got fed up (after he admitted to still sleeping with other women) and filed for divorce. He had also said he would file if I didn't, and I wanted to have the upper hand because he is too cheap to get two lawyers.
Anyway, I filed the papers exactly one month after DDay, only 3 weeks after separating. I still can't believe how fast it happened. You are not alone.
Me: BW 30 (now)
Him: Who cares
DS 6 (sole custody)
DDay May 2014
Divorce Final December 2014
"She took a step and didn't want to take anymore, but she did." --The Book Thief
Posts: 147 | Registered: Jun 2014
Member # 27275
| Posted: 12:25 AM, August 5th (Tuesday), 2014|
I am so sorry for both of you!!!
It sounds like a couple of kids you married. How selfish of them!!
Hugs to both of you
Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's
better to leave them broken than to hurt
yourself putting it back together.
Posts: 3201 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Canada
Member # 18334
| Posted: 1:39 AM, August 5th (Tuesday), 2014|
I hate to break this to him but divorces with kids don't usually happen very quickly. It usually takes a year here in my state. Take your time and don't get screwed. Sounds like he already has someone and she wants him to get a quick divorce. It isn't happening with kids.
I think...therefore, I'm single.
It is what it is.
Posts: 4801 | Registered: Feb 2008
Member # 32554
| Posted: 1:55 AM, August 5th (Tuesday), 2014|
The fact that he is pushing you like this and so blatantly lying to your face tells me he is up to no good. I urge you to take your time. Don't sign anything until you've read it, had a friend read it, possibly pay for someone with legal experience read it, and you fully understand it. It sounds like he's going to try and pull a fast one on you & screw you over.
Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - DIVORCED!
Posts: 10153 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Member # 36445
| Posted: 5:19 AM, August 5th (Tuesday), 2014|
One year & one day, unfortunately the legal requirement here.
Had I been able to earlier I would have done it as soon as I could.
He is trying to manipulate you.
My advice, stop talking to him and see a lawyer pronto.
"Loving someone should not mean losing you. Love empowers you. It shouldn't erase you. - Thelma Davis.
Posts: 1408 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia
Member # 8275
| Posted: 5:49 AM, August 5th (Tuesday), 2014|
Sorry you are here. I know it is so very painful.
He sounds like a selfish bully. If you aren't ready to sign, don't sign. However, if he is set on divorce it will eventually happen. You need to think about your future and that of your child and not sign anything without legal advice. If I were you I would use his impatience to my advantage for custody and financial settlement.
Posts: 310 | Registered: Sep 2005
Member # 42124
| Posted: 6:26 AM, August 5th (Tuesday), 2014|
We separated 4 months ago and I just decided to divorce two days ago. I am not sure how long it will really take me to file. I honestly change my mind about divorcing every two hours or so. It's hard.
I'm so, so sorry you are going through this but honestly, anyone who pushes their spouse to a divorce isn't worth being married to. But get an attorney and squeeze him for every droplet you can get out of him. You and your child deserve it.
[This message edited by determinata at 6:28 AM, August 5th (Tuesday)]
M 2007. DDay 2008
~10+ CL Prostitutes in 8 months
Divorcing SAWH "ActionsOverWords"
Me: Early 30s BW (also an adult OC) w Baby DS
6 years of TT, hidden STD & false R
Separated 5 mos+; he will not commit
Someday I will be okay
Posts: 288 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York City
Member # 29322
| Posted: 8:04 AM, August 5th (Tuesday), 2014|
Fastest divorce with kids that I've seen in any of the states I've lived in was 8 months.
In your situation, it may be wise to listen to neverbeokay's advice. If you file now and feed his need to divorce immediately, it would probably be in your best interest for custody, support, finances, etc.
Sons 16 and 8 Daughters 11, 7, 5.
Ex and STBX both cheated, thinking of getting a dog as a companion after D. At least they're loyal.
Posts: 1032 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: MidWest
Member # 5929
| Posted: 8:56 AM, August 5th (Tuesday), 2014|
I waited over 6 months to file. XH and I had to sell our house, because it would have made the D much more complicated to have a shared asset like that.
Are you still pregnant? In most states you can't D until after the baby is born.
Keep calm and carry on.
Posts: 49482 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: Minneapolis
Member # 5929
| Posted: 8:58 AM, August 5th (Tuesday), 2014|
Do NOT sign anything he has handed you without having a lawyer go over it first. My guess is he's trying to rush you because he's hoping you won't realize how bad he's screwing you over.
Keep calm and carry on.
Posts: 49482 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: Minneapolis
Member # 3703
| Posted: 9:07 AM, August 5th (Tuesday), 2014|
I threw him out, changed the locks, and made an appointment with a lawyer firm. The earliest appointment they had was 3 weeks. I filed immediately, at that appointment. So start to finish, I threw him out May 18th and filed the divorce paperwork beginning of July. I believe he was served on July 7th.
D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010
Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.
Posts: 3564 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
Member # 32258
| Posted: 9:32 AM, August 5th (Tuesday), 2014|
There is a 1 year waiting period in my state as well. I filed as soon as she moved out. Not to sound cold but I wish I could have signed the paperwork immediately and been done with it. You may not realize this now but when you are further down the road the fact that he wants out so badly DOES work to your advantage. Those of us that couldn't get out immediately had to put up with false R and many other things our unremorseful WS's put us through.
My 2 cents, have a L look over anything before you sign it and if you are getting what you want then fine. He wants out have him pay your L fees. I personally feel that when a WS wants out that bad then the BS should use it to their advantage. Have your L draw up the documents the way you want them to read and if WH wants out so badly then he can sign them. I had to wait a year but my WW wanted out so I walked away with all my assets, I kept my 401k, and we each kept our own debt. I made over 3 times as much as she did and I don't pay alimony. I pay the state formula for CS and I have 50/50 custody. I would have loved to have my kids 100% of the time but that wasn't reality. Use your WS's desire to get out to YOUR advantage.
Yes it still sucks, yes you still have to go through all of the emotion and pain, but when they want out this badly it can help with healing. You have no choice but to face what is happening to you and move forward. You heal faster even if you don't realize it because they aren't there to mess with your head. I wish you the best. Keep posting it helps.
BH = Me
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!
Posts: 1943 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
Member # 40115
| Posted: 10:03 AM, August 5th (Tuesday), 2014|
To tell me that I'm interfering with his dating because I won't sign divorce papers now is unbelievable to me.
Um, the whole reason you're divorcing is that he 'dated' while married to you. This is a bullshit excuse to blame you for something. He's trying to pressure you into signing without thinking.
It's straight out of the cheater's handbook. Next he'll tell you that you don't need a lawyer and you should "just trust him to look out for you."
Don't fall for any of it.
Edited to correct stupid typos.
Double Betrayal D-Day 7/26/2013
Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.
Posts: 2092 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
Member # 43176
| Posted: 2:29 PM, August 5th (Tuesday), 2014|
We never separated unless you call different bedrooms separating...I found out in Jan 2014 and filed for divorce end of April.
We had been in false R for those 3 months. He was back and forth between myself and the OW. One of our last therapy appointments he said that he didn't know how to stop seeing her, he asked our therapists for ways to break it off. After all the promises of 'I'm going to do whatever I need to do to win you back, fix this' to his verbal abuse blaming me for the affair, to being at her parents house when he was supposed to be shopping for birthday presents, I knew that I didn't stand a chance.
I filed, crying the entire time. This is not the path that I chose, he did. Repeatedly.
It took lots of soul searching and knowing deep down that I deserved more than this life! My kids deserve more than this life too!
I still struggle daily with my decision but he has done nothing to show me otherwise.
Hugs to you!!
together 9 yrs, married 7
DD#1-Jan 2014, numerous others followed-filed for divorce April 2014, we are still living in the house together, he won't leave without his $$$.
Posts: 362 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
Member # 43789
| Posted: 2:47 PM, August 5th (Tuesday), 2014|
Thanks for the advice and words of encouragement everyone, I needed it. I should have mentioned in my original post that I do not have any children. I had a miscarriage shortly after my H cheated on me. Which makes this whole situation even harder in some ways. Yes, I know that I am fortunate to not have kids with this man, but when I found out I was pregnant I was so happy and was looking forward to having a family. Now I just feel that I have suffered two losses, back to back, and it just seems so unfair. Fortunately my H and I do not share many assets except for our house, which he has told me numerous times that he does not want. Besides, our house is upside down as we owe more on it than it is worth. I just find it interesting that he is in such a rush to get divorced when he's the one who cheated on me.
Posts: 13 | Registered: Jun 2014
Member # 36726
| Posted: 2:58 PM, August 5th (Tuesday), 2014|
Sorry for everything you are going through
and have been through Bria.
I filed for D about 5 weeks after I found out about the cheating. So over that 5 weeks I probably had another 5 Ddays that she went off and cheated again. But I filed the papers and the D was final in 9 months. She had opportunities to come back and try and fix things or work on things but she didn't want that. She was married to her AP within 5 months of the final D.
Like other said here. Don't sign anything without an attorney. Don't take any blame for this. Don't put up with any stupid crap from him. This is all on him. He wasn't man enough to step up and take care of things. He cheated. He gave you no other choice.
Hugs to you and know that things will get better for you.
[This message edited by Dadtryingtocope at 2:58 PM, August 5th (Tuesday)]
BH me 46
WW her 38
2 kids (12, 9)
Filed for D 9/14/12
She - engaged 5/13 married 9/13
Posts: 618 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: PA
Member # 42650
| Posted: 3:18 PM, August 5th (Tuesday), 2014|
you have no obligations, make him wait as long as you like, he can go to court and sue you for divorce if he has his panties all up in a bunch and needs to get his fill with the ladies, screw it.
Her (WW 40s) Me (BH, 40s) very young DS & DD
Posts: 740 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: CALI
Member # 35778
| Posted: 4:14 PM, August 5th (Tuesday), 2014|
Bria80: He sounds like a real lowlife hypocrite. You not signing divorce papers IS PREVENTING him from dating?!?!
Then why didn't the fact that he was MARRIED prevent him from cheating?!!!
If this doesn't affect you in anyway and you don't want to rush a divorce, let it drag on then. It's a bullshit excuse on his part anyways and either he's saying this as some sort of passive-aggressive way to try to hurt you or to see if you really are prepared to go through with the divorce in which case if you are, he so immaturely wants to divorce you rather than you divorce him, or worse....he's up to something shady. Regardless, don't rush to sign anything and make sure you get EVERYTHING checked and double-checked by a trusted source. DO NOT let him try and charm you into signing it because 'you can trust him' and this is the 'best deal you will get'.
There is definitely an ulterior motive here....figure out what it is! Good luck Bria80....we're all here for you.
Posts: 305 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Canada
Member # 26928
| Posted: 4:23 PM, August 5th (Tuesday), 2014|
First, your STBX is full of it. How is your signature on the documents interfering with his dating?! They certainly didn't interfere while you thought you were in a marriage, so his "logic" is bullsh!t.
As for your question, I took a year before I file, but he was out of the house.
I needed that time to stabailze my life (my kids, general day-to-day, and financially).
The entire time before I filed, he continued to talk out of his arse (ie. I love you, they never meant anything) all while attempting to alienate my kids from me, pulling all kinds of antics, and oh yeah...still sleep with OW and any number of other people.
Oh yes...PLEASE sign me up for more of that!
He was actually shocked when I filed. My current H (but friend at the time) actually served XWH while I stood and watched.
Me - 42
SorryInSac (STBX WH#2) - 47. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - Done
DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats
WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW) - Legally married 18yrs
I edit often for clarity/typos.
Posts: 6741 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
|Topic Posts: 26|