He left today for two weeks to head to his hometown which is where the PA occurred as their families both live in the same town. They grew up together and dated for three months before me and WH got together. Anyway, he has continued to lie and be deceitful regarding everything. Granted, he doesn't really need to tell me anything as we are separated but why does he lie? Why not just be honest when I ask if the OW is going to be there at the same time as him? Especially when he originally wanted to bring our son with him to meet the OW, I'm sure. I didn't agree to that.
So, he left his vehicle at my house while he's gone and our son and the neighborhood kids were playing in it, pretending to be driving, making a mess. When I crawled inside to get them out, there was a pre-paid cell phone users manual and pamphlet right there on the floor. Our cell phones are still connected under my name and I receive the bill. (He pays me for half). So, obviously this is his secret way to keep the long distance relationship going until their planned rendezvous. But why lie and be so secretive about it? The whole A is out there on the table, why continue to be so deceitful? Why not just call her from the regular cell phone? There's no chance of R, so why does he care? Why does he continue to lie? How can we possibly co-parent for the next 20 years if he continues to be deceitful and secretive?
I'm working really hard on trying to detach. This has been my biggest challenge. We only communicate regarding our son and finances. Allowing the truck to be parked here was something I felt I shouldn't have agreed to but I did. I shouldn't care that he has another phone because it prohibits me from detaching but I'm sure you can all relate how difficult it is.
Just wondering why he keeps lying?
For the same reason he lied in the first place - he's ashamed and he doesn't want to deal with things like reality and guilt.
You deserve the truth, but he's not going to give it to you. Wondering why is going to drive you nuts. I'm so sorry. Keep protecting yourself and the kiddos. Good call on keeping the D atty info to yourself. He's not volunteering anything, and neither should you.
Hopefully he will try to be as decent a father as he can under the circumstances.
Me: BW 35
Crazz: WH 33
Daughter: 4.5 Going on 16
Honestly, I think he's lying about his affair and hiding things from you because he's not looking to go to war with you, and he's not looking to purposely hurt you, either. Why rub it in your face if he can avoid doing that? You seeing all the phone activity on your cell bill between these two will cause nothing but ill will and animosity between you both - and he doesn't want that. He doesn't want to give you ammunition to come down on him about every phone call or text to her that you saw on the cell bill so the way to avoid that - and to avoid you having physical proof of their continued contact - is the new secret burn phone. He's not looking to add insult to injury here, and he doesn't want to make co-parenting a nightmare for you both, either.
I think he's just looking to keep you duped because it's more peaceful for everyone that way. Why hand you continued proof of his affair and cause even MORE anger and hurt if he can avoid it?
Secondly - and more importantly - it's to his advantage to keep you in the dark and try to keep your anger at a minimum. He knows the time will come (and from what you've said, it's coming a lot sooner than he realizes!) where you'll have to deal with divorce attorneys about custody issues and division of financial assets etc. etc. etc. He's trying to protect himself because he knows a scorned, angry wife with a shark for a lawyer can sometimes do serious damage to a guy when she's out for blood. Why do that to himself if he can pretend he's Mr. Good Guy and keep your anger at a minimum? I'm sure his friends have told him horror stories about being taken 'to the cleaners' in their divorces and blah blah blah.
I think there's also a pride thing going on where he still doesn't want you to think he's the lowest piece of scum on earth. I mean, why HAND that to you if he can avoid it?
But I honestly think him feeling guilty or bad is the FARTHEST thing from his mind. It's all about self-preservation, now.
While he's out of town I would recommend ramping up the D preparation, and get copies of all paperwork & documents your lawyer will need.
Meaning, if he was sitting on the phone in front of you all gushy-gushy...then it just rubs it in your face (even though you know it is going on).
Take this as a sign you are on the right path. You know of the A, you know it continues and it affirms you are making the right steps in the D.
It also affirms you can't trust his words. I am 4 yrs D'd and the ex still lies about stuff. Luckily I am at the point of healing where my gut reponses is like "I don't care what you are doing...".
What he does is all about him and him alone. I agree he is still lying because he can't face his own reality.
Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson
Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.
It's not easy, but it will get easier.
[This message edited by william at 3:41 PM, August 5th (Tuesday)]
from 09/11 - 05/13
2 ONS, 10 sexting partners, 1 LT EA/PA
??/06/13 DD/1 - admits to LT EA, begin false R.
01/13/14 DD/2 - LTA was PA.
01/18/14 DD/3 - sexting 5 guys.
01/19/14 DD/4 - 2 ONS with different guys