The first year of marriage is usually all honeymoon feelings. She's telling you she feels trapped? And cheating with at least one ex?
Right now, you're with family. I would confront now, but that's me. I would tell her you know, and that she lied to your face, and both are beyond unacceptable. I would then tell her that she stops, or you are done in this marriage.
I know you don't want to lose her, but you cannot be nice enough to make her stop. You just can't. Cheaters without consequences rarely come out of the 'fog' they are in. She is way too into herself and her fairy tale affair to see reality. You need to show her reality, which is you are NOT accepting a wife that has a boyfriend, no question, no hesitation. She is done with him, or you are done with her.
This will push her into reality. It's amazing how many WSs snap back when faced with losing the BS. If she does, then you two have a LONG road to reconciliation. If she doesn't, wouldn't you rather know now than in 5 years?
I'm sorry - being a newlywed should be better than this.
[This message edited by SI Staff at 12:09 PM, August 10th (Sunday)]
Ex WW cheated on me. I retaliated by becoming a cheating monster with numerous women.
Just wanted to say I would SO be screen shotting that bullshit and sending it to YOUR phone, then presenting her with those annulment papers ready for her signature.
What an awful thing to deal with on top of a devastating injury.
I'm sorry, but she is an outright bitch to do that. Right up there with those WH's that are fucking around on their pregnant wives.
[This message edited by nekorb at 9:02 PM, August 5th (Tuesday)]
I don't think you have much to lose, and she certainly is not worthy of you, so if you want to try "nicing" her out of the affair, go ahead and give it a shot. After you do, and she still doesn't stop, then you can try the other way, printing out the annulment or divorce papers. Or you can just skip the way that never works and goes to the way that works sometimes.
I would not recommend anyone in a marriage of less than a year whose spouse is cheating on them try to reconcile unless there are children involved.
Have you been able to look at her phone bill and see when this thing started? Do you think it was going on throughout your entire relationship, or before the wedding? Did you guys have a big wedding? How were things after the wedding, as opposed to before? Did your lifestyle change drastically?
It seems absolutely nuts to begin cheating so soon after the wedding.
Stay strong. You seem like a good guy and you will be OK no matter how this thing turns out.
Your post reminded me a lot of my situation. My WH started to have "doubts" about our relationship during our engagement. I blamed stress/upcoming changes (we were long distance before the M, moving to be together and also start new jobs in a span of 2 months), etc. He struggled even more during our first year of M and it was the same story you are getting: I don't know what I want, I'm not sure I want to be married, I felt trapped and stuck like I had to marry you, etc. I know how bad this can be for your self-esteem!! I'm so sorry she is putting you through this!! For me it dragged out for more than 2 years of marriage (so 3 years of total time) before I finally found out that he had been in a LTA with a woman from his previous job. Everything made sense in terms of his behavior at that point. It is so hard, and I understand feeling robbed of your newlywed period! I do want to say one thing different from the others, and feel free to ignore it if it doesn't help you. A lot of people will say that since your marriage is short/no children involved (you didn't mention any but maybe that is an incorrect assumption) you should just end it. Please know that you don't have to decide that right now. Please don't feel that you have to divorce your WW based on this either. I think that the decision to R or D is unique to each relationship and I think that there is always the same possibility for either with the same requirements: you need a remorseful spouse willing to do the work and you as the betrayed spouse need to be willing to offer the opportunity. No one can tell you whether you want to make that offer or not right now, and you might not even know yourself. We also don't know if she will come out of the fog and be a candidate for R anyway. I hope you will focus on the first step, which is solidifying proof and planning your confrontation. I agree that you must be firm and you need to have your requirements to stay in the marriage (i.e. not throw her out immediately) such as NC with the OM, full transparency, IC for her to figure out why she allowed herself to be in a relationship with 2 men....etc. She doesn't get long to decide and if she can't do it then you move forward with the Hefty bags and separation. She might come around later and you can see how you feel about that then. Right now you need to let your body recover and stop allowing your WW to have her cake and eat it, too. It's so hard, so brutal, and so shocking to discover this. Keep posting and let SI help you!!
I am in Texas maybe OM and I could grab a cup of coffe and have a little chat. LOL I wouldn't do that, or would I.
I am going to give her two options, either our marriage or the OM. My emotions are literally up and down everyday and it's all I can think about, how long does it take to start feeling normal again?
Not for the foreseeable future.
First you will confront. You will make her choose. She will choose you. Then you become her parent for awhile, checking up on her. Then you will find out that she is still contacting him. Think about it. This guy has a lot of meaning in her life. I know that hurts, but think about it, man. She is willing to risk her marriage for him, this isn't just some guy she doesn't care about. She cares. She's into it. She's not just going to stop cold turkey EVEN IF SHE WANTS TO. And she probably isn't going to want to. Even if she chooses him, or flat-out refuses to choose one or the other of you, after you file for divorce or an annulment, she will come back begging at some point making you re-think.
You probably have at least several more weeks of back and forth, in limbo, unless you head for divorce and don't look back. You were in love with this woman and you married her, the pain will fade over time, it will be much better when you have found another woman who loves you and treats you right and your ex-wife is just someone you used to know, then you will hardly ever give her a thought. Fortunately you don't have any kids together to tie you together for life.
I'm sorry if I sound like I'm giving your current marriage no chance of working out, but I just don't see it happening.
Bottom line, the sooner you start addressing this, the sooner it will be resolved.
By the way, I don't like your phrasing of telling her to choose, as if YOU and Other Man are equal and she has to pick one, YOU after all are her husband, the one she took vows with, and Other Man is just some guy who wasn't right for her. I would tell her she tells you the full truth and she ceases all contact with OM now and forever or you are filing for an annulment or divorce.
What things should I bring up and what things should I avoid talking about?
She is your wife with whom you have agreed to share your life, so nothing should be off the table.
If I were you, I would want to know when it started, WHY she was doing it, if they had been physical since we were together.
Maybe this is just me, but I would tell her, "I don't want you to stay with me if you don't love me, I would rather be alone than be with someone who doesn't love me. I don't need a wife who needs to figure out whether or not she loves me, that should have been figured out before you said your vows. You've lied and cheated and stayed in an inappropriate relationship with this old boyfriend, you've hurt me badly, and I at least deserve the truth. Are you that EVIL of a person that after cheating on me LESS THAN A YEAR after we've been married and breaking my heart, you will not even give me the truth?"
The only thing I would avoid, but it's up to you really, are personal insults, like "your mustache has always been a huge turnoff for me anyway" or "you should eat your makeup so you can be pretty on the inside too."
Avoiding the problem made things so much worse IMO. I should have had him cut ties as soon as I found out sex was being discussed. I don't know if he would have listened at that point. Her hold on him might have been too great, but sweeping everything under the rug didn't turn out good at all!
Be clear about what you know and how it makes you feel. Don't let her fool you into thinking its harmless.
Im going to give you the best advice anyone can give because you described my first wife to a tee with your last post.
You have no kids....you are only 11 months in....you will survive what I am going to tell you to do.
run your ass off to the courthouse...fill out the papers....and keep running. It will hurt....but the hurt you will feel will be tiny in comparison to the hurt you will feel in the long run.
She....will not change.....
Get that annulment before you run out of time.
If she still wants you afterwards then she'll have to court you, ask you out on dates, try to fall in love again, and then maybe later, who knows, get married again? I wouldn't hold my breath though.