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Crono posted 8/5/2014 15:14 PM

This is kind of a long story but I have no where to go right now so I'm going to spill it all out on here. Any advice is much welcomed. My W and I got married about 11 months ago, and it's honestly been kinda rough ever since we got married. I was and am over joyed to be married to her, but she feels like she is trapped and doesn't know if she would be happier with me or without me. We saw a couples counselor and it kind if helped, I though we were on the road back to being happy but she told me she still didn't feel great about us. About three weeks ago I feel about 30 ft. and broke my pelvis in two places, fractured my tailbone and broke multiple ribs on my left side. Luckily I did not need surgery and I am recovering ok currently at home. My wife has been taking care of me because I can't do too much, it's kinda rough being all broken. It was one of the first days home from the hospital that I saw her phone ding and I thought it was my parents trying to get ahold of us. What I found was something quite different and disturbing. It was one of her old boyfriends whom I knew she had staid in touch with over the years, but it wasn't a normal hello how's it goin kind of message. I discovered they had been sexting and talking of wanting to see each other. This crushed me, not only am I broken from the fall but this really has sent me down a dark path. I had a ton of friends and family visiting so I didn't bring it up right then and there. I did talk to her that night about how I didn't like it when she talked to her old boyfriends and she lied right to my face saying its nothing and she is just talking to them. She also purchased a vibrator without telling me and I thought it was just for her so I never thought to bring it up. Turns out the OM told her to get one so they can have fun together. I thought that by telling her how I felt about her talking to her old boyfriends would change her ways and she would stop, but she hasn't. We are staying with family for the next few weeks so I can heal and so that she can work. I want to confront her so badly but I want to do it right and wait until we go back home where I can talk to her in private and not make things super awkward and terrible with family. Should I wait until we go back home or should I do it now? I know she will get defensive about this when I do confront her, and she will try to make it seem like it's my fault, how do I deal with that? I love this woman so much and I really don't want to lose her, but I don't deserve this. It's been weird with her, she tells me she loves me and she will hold my hand, but she won't let me touch her privately and I tried to take a shower with her the other day and she wouldn't even face me. I am in a whirl wind of mixed emotions, from confused to sad to angry to depressed. I know this guy lives in Texas and I am almost 100% sure there hasn't been anything physical yet, I am just hoping that I have caught this early enough to work things out

painfulpast posted 8/5/2014 15:28 PM

OMG - awful. Just awful.

The first year of marriage is usually all honeymoon feelings. She's telling you she feels trapped? And cheating with at least one ex?

Right now, you're with family. I would confront now, but that's me. I would tell her you know, and that she lied to your face, and both are beyond unacceptable. I would then tell her that she stops, or you are done in this marriage.

I know you don't want to lose her, but you cannot be nice enough to make her stop. You just can't. Cheaters without consequences rarely come out of the 'fog' they are in. She is way too into herself and her fairy tale affair to see reality. You need to show her reality, which is you are NOT accepting a wife that has a boyfriend, no question, no hesitation. She is done with him, or you are done with her.

This will push her into reality. It's amazing how many WSs snap back when faced with losing the BS. If she does, then you two have a LONG road to reconciliation. If she doesn't, wouldn't you rather know now than in 5 years?

I'm sorry - being a newlywed should be better than this.

Crono posted 8/5/2014 16:51 PM

Thanks for the advice. Anything right now helps a ton. Are there any recommended readings on how to go about conducting the confrontation? I am nervous to do it but I know if I don't it will only continue to eat me up. I also don't want to go too far and let my anger and frustration get the best of me and say a bunch of things I don't really want to say

ExWayward posted 8/5/2014 16:56 PM


[This message edited by SI Staff at 12:09 PM, August 10th (Sunday)]

Crono posted 8/5/2014 20:12 PM

Thanks I'll look into it. It would be a shame if I had to go that route but your right, i don't want to be with someone who treats me as such if she continues down this road.

nekorb posted 8/5/2014 21:02 PM

I'm sorry you're here, Crono, and hope you are healing well.

Just wanted to say I would SO be screen shotting that bullshit and sending it to YOUR phone, then presenting her with those annulment papers ready for her signature.

What an awful thing to deal with on top of a devastating injury.

I'm sorry, but she is an outright bitch to do that. Right up there with those WH's that are fucking around on their pregnant wives.

[This message edited by nekorb at 9:02 PM, August 5th (Tuesday)]

Uhtred posted 8/5/2014 22:54 PM

I second that you need to seal the proof up that you have because she is going to gas light the shit out of you. Do that first and the ball is your court. You say you live you're wife so much but understand that you are at war now.

wk55hn posted 8/5/2014 23:24 PM

You sound like you think she's going to come to her senses and stop cheating once you are able to just logically tell her how wrong it is. That is not going to happen. Sure, if you confront her nicely and politely ask her to stop sexting, she will agree and she will say she is going to stop - but she won't actually stop.

I don't think you have much to lose, and she certainly is not worthy of you, so if you want to try "nicing" her out of the affair, go ahead and give it a shot. After you do, and she still doesn't stop, then you can try the other way, printing out the annulment or divorce papers. Or you can just skip the way that never works and goes to the way that works sometimes.

I would not recommend anyone in a marriage of less than a year whose spouse is cheating on them try to reconcile unless there are children involved.

Have you been able to look at her phone bill and see when this thing started? Do you think it was going on throughout your entire relationship, or before the wedding? Did you guys have a big wedding? How were things after the wedding, as opposed to before? Did your lifestyle change drastically?

It seems absolutely nuts to begin cheating so soon after the wedding.

Stay strong. You seem like a good guy and you will be OK no matter how this thing turns out.

badmedicine posted 8/6/2014 00:16 AM

Hi Crono, sorry you are here! This is a terrible thing to find out and I'm so sorry that you are broken physically from your fall and now emotionally too. Your WW is being so selfish and terrible right now that you need to try to focus on one thing at a time. I agree with the others above that you need to retain your evidence and also confront her. Before you do the confrontation though you need to think about what you are willing to tolerate and what you expect in a marriage. Please do not settle for less than a committed partner who is only in a relationship with you!! Even if the A is only texting/emotional it is clearly making your WW foggy and she isn't acting the same toward you.

Your post reminded me a lot of my situation. My WH started to have "doubts" about our relationship during our engagement. I blamed stress/upcoming changes (we were long distance before the M, moving to be together and also start new jobs in a span of 2 months), etc. He struggled even more during our first year of M and it was the same story you are getting: I don't know what I want, I'm not sure I want to be married, I felt trapped and stuck like I had to marry you, etc. I know how bad this can be for your self-esteem!! I'm so sorry she is putting you through this!! For me it dragged out for more than 2 years of marriage (so 3 years of total time) before I finally found out that he had been in a LTA with a woman from his previous job. Everything made sense in terms of his behavior at that point. It is so hard, and I understand feeling robbed of your newlywed period! I do want to say one thing different from the others, and feel free to ignore it if it doesn't help you. A lot of people will say that since your marriage is short/no children involved (you didn't mention any but maybe that is an incorrect assumption) you should just end it. Please know that you don't have to decide that right now. Please don't feel that you have to divorce your WW based on this either. I think that the decision to R or D is unique to each relationship and I think that there is always the same possibility for either with the same requirements: you need a remorseful spouse willing to do the work and you as the betrayed spouse need to be willing to offer the opportunity. No one can tell you whether you want to make that offer or not right now, and you might not even know yourself. We also don't know if she will come out of the fog and be a candidate for R anyway. I hope you will focus on the first step, which is solidifying proof and planning your confrontation. I agree that you must be firm and you need to have your requirements to stay in the marriage (i.e. not throw her out immediately) such as NC with the OM, full transparency, IC for her to figure out why she allowed herself to be in a relationship with 2 men....etc. She doesn't get long to decide and if she can't do it then you move forward with the Hefty bags and separation. She might come around later and you can see how you feel about that then. Right now you need to let your body recover and stop allowing your WW to have her cake and eat it, too. It's so hard, so brutal, and so shocking to discover this. Keep posting and let SI help you!!

10yearsafter posted 8/6/2014 07:35 AM

Confront her now. See a lawyer protect yourself.

I am in Texas maybe OM and I could grab a cup of coffe and have a little chat. LOL I wouldn't do that, or would I.

Persevere19 posted 8/6/2014 07:49 AM

So sorry for your broken heart! I feel your pain in your story yet sense your love for her being genuin. As a spouse of a SA (sex addict) it is possible for her to love you. But the selfishness of SA will rule until there is pain and consequences. Like a drug addict they need more and more to get the same high. You do not deserve to be loved and treated in this way. She will lie and cheat until you stop her by making her make a choice. You or her selfishness. As you read here you will almost always find that love alone never changed anyone. Put your rules on paper. No contact. IC, MC. Plan for R but start protecting yourself by putting the exit plan in place just in case. R is possible but it takes two people willing to work it, not just one.
Sorry you find yourself here but there are good friends and good advice here! Take care of yourself!!

WeepingBuddhist posted 8/6/2014 07:51 AM

Sorry you are here Crono. You wrote that you didn't want to stay married "if she continues down this road". She has been clear about who she is and you've not even been married for a year. Please work on your annulment, the fact she is on this road is enough. You deserve better.

Crono posted 8/6/2014 09:19 AM

This is great advice, I've decided that I am going to confront her here even though we are at her parents' home. I am going to find a private park or something of that nature and rehears how I am going to navigate through this. I am going to give her two options, either our marriage or the OM. My emotions are literally up and down everyday and it's all I can think about, how long does it take to start feeling normal again?

Crono posted 8/6/2014 09:38 AM

What things should I bring up and what things should I avoid talking about?

wk55hn posted 8/6/2014 09:39 AM

I am going to give her two options, either our marriage or the OM. My emotions are literally up and down everyday and it's all I can think about, how long does it take to start feeling normal again?

Not for the foreseeable future.

First you will confront. You will make her choose. She will choose you. Then you become her parent for awhile, checking up on her. Then you will find out that she is still contacting him. Think about it. This guy has a lot of meaning in her life. I know that hurts, but think about it, man. She is willing to risk her marriage for him, this isn't just some guy she doesn't care about. She cares. She's into it. She's not just going to stop cold turkey EVEN IF SHE WANTS TO. And she probably isn't going to want to. Even if she chooses him, or flat-out refuses to choose one or the other of you, after you file for divorce or an annulment, she will come back begging at some point making you re-think.

You probably have at least several more weeks of back and forth, in limbo, unless you head for divorce and don't look back. You were in love with this woman and you married her, the pain will fade over time, it will be much better when you have found another woman who loves you and treats you right and your ex-wife is just someone you used to know, then you will hardly ever give her a thought. Fortunately you don't have any kids together to tie you together for life.

I'm sorry if I sound like I'm giving your current marriage no chance of working out, but I just don't see it happening.

Bottom line, the sooner you start addressing this, the sooner it will be resolved.

By the way, I don't like your phrasing of telling her to choose, as if YOU and Other Man are equal and she has to pick one, YOU after all are her husband, the one she took vows with, and Other Man is just some guy who wasn't right for her. I would tell her she tells you the full truth and she ceases all contact with OM now and forever or you are filing for an annulment or divorce.

wk55hn posted 8/6/2014 09:53 AM

What things should I bring up and what things should I avoid talking about?

She is your wife with whom you have agreed to share your life, so nothing should be off the table.

If I were you, I would want to know when it started, WHY she was doing it, if they had been physical since we were together.

Maybe this is just me, but I would tell her, "I don't want you to stay with me if you don't love me, I would rather be alone than be with someone who doesn't love me. I don't need a wife who needs to figure out whether or not she loves me, that should have been figured out before you said your vows. You've lied and cheated and stayed in an inappropriate relationship with this old boyfriend, you've hurt me badly, and I at least deserve the truth. Are you that EVIL of a person that after cheating on me LESS THAN A YEAR after we've been married and breaking my heart, you will not even give me the truth?"

The only thing I would avoid, but it's up to you really, are personal insults, like "your mustache has always been a huge turnoff for me anyway" or "you should eat your makeup so you can be pretty on the inside too."

CB217 posted 8/6/2014 10:03 AM

Your story is very similar to mine in some ways. My H had a longtime friend of 10+ years he saw here and there, not very often, so I didn't feel too threatened by her. Turned out they were trying to plan a way they could have sex before she got married and started a new life with her H. This was very early on in my relationship with my H, before we were married. He actually asked me for permission and I said no. It was dropped and I didn't bring it up after that. About 8 years later I found out they had been sexting and having phone sex. She had moved to another state with her H, but would still go visit with my H when she came to see her fam. Now I have no way of knowing how far they went or if it was a PA.

Avoiding the problem made things so much worse IMO. I should have had him cut ties as soon as I found out sex was being discussed. I don't know if he would have listened at that point. Her hold on him might have been too great, but sweeping everything under the rug didn't turn out good at all!

Be clear about what you know and how it makes you feel. Don't let her fool you into thinking its harmless.

Crono posted 8/6/2014 12:31 PM

Thanks badmedicine, my story is very similar indeed. We started our relationship long distance I was in Alaska and she was in Wyoming and we have moved quite a bit for work as well. I have paid for everything, our rent, the bills, food, etc... since she graduated from college. Our relationship was great until about a few months before the wedding then she got distant and we stopped having sex. We thought it was just pre wedding nerves but even after the wedding she felt unsure and distant. We had a big wedding, she had always wanted to get married so she planned pretty much the whole thing and her father paid for almost all of it, about $10,000 worth of it in fact. When it was over she was upset because it "wasn't the wedding she wanted" even though she planned the damn thing. We don't have kids, and we have been together for 5 years. The OM actually has an interesting history, he has caused two break ups in her past, the first in early college and the second was later on in college. It's awful thinking that I am just another one of those guys that she has tossed aside for him.

Long Gone posted 8/6/2014 12:54 PM


Im going to give you the best advice anyone can give because you described my first wife to a tee with your last post.

You have no are only 11 months will survive what I am going to tell you to do.


run your ass off to the courthouse...fill out the papers....and keep running. It will hurt....but the hurt you will feel will be tiny in comparison to the hurt you will feel in the long run.

She....will not change.....

syhoybenden posted 8/6/2014 13:58 PM

This shouldn't be happening during your honeymoon year.

Get that annulment before you run out of time.

If she still wants you afterwards then she'll have to court you, ask you out on dates, try to fall in love again, and then maybe later, who knows, get married again? I wouldn't hold my breath though.

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