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Calling the OM

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Not.the.Big.Easy posted 8/5/2014 15:14 PM

I know that most people are split about whether or not to call the OP. My last time through, I didn't talk to the OM. I didn't even want to talk to him. My XGF told me a lot about things he said, and ways that he acted, and other nurses that she knew he went after. It's funny that before she ended the A, I was able to tell her exactly how he would react to given situations and I was right. I researched him and actually knew more about him than she did. She was especially shocked when I told her his "story of triumph over adversity" was actually his brothers story.

So what's different this time? Why do I feel like I have nothing to lose by talking to him. I already suspect that "nothing happened" is not the truth. Maybe it's just that I want to control things this time. I want to hear from him what they talked about. I want to hear from him the timeline that I already know. I want him to leave out details she told me and tell me details that she didn't.

My ex did everything she could to protect her OM. There was never any real remorse and no reconciliation. All she regretted was the person she chose as an AP.

I'm not going to do it right now. I don't even know when or if I'll really do it. I learned how to compartmentalize things thanks to my emotionally abusive mother and my Grandmaster of abuse and degradation XGF. Then I'll just unload at the therapists office.

Yeah, it sounds crazy. I never claimed to have a firm grasp on sanity. Well, I hope you enjoyed my little ramble.

sparkysable posted 8/5/2014 15:22 PM

In both of my XWH's A, I got more truth from the OW's than I ever got out of him. I never regretted contacting the OW.

painfulpast posted 8/5/2014 15:22 PM

Honestly - don't bother. You want the details she left out. Odds are, he won't give them, or anything else.

APs are famous for either lying to protect WS, so they hold back a LOT, or lying and making things out to be more than they were in hopes that WS will be dumped and they can have them.

In any case, remember AP feels nothing for you, and doesn't owe you a thing. All he can do is cause more doubt or more trouble. It's really not worth it. So many of us have hoped that AP, when confronted, will have a sudden bout of remorse and help us. HA! They are as selfish as our WS - after all, they were in that affair too. And we are the LAST person they care about.

Often, the two BSs can learn a lot by comparing stories, but not much truth is learned from the AP. They are too invested in the affair lies.

Sorry - I know you think it will bring some kind of closure, but it won't.

confused615 posted 8/5/2014 15:35 PM

I contacted AP the day after dday...and got the truth. I got details FWH would never have given me.

I have no regrets.

luluphoenix posted 8/5/2014 20:31 PM

I emailed and texted, but never called her. I don't regret doing it, but I can't say it helped much either other than to reaffirm what I already knew. She sort of apologized, but also didn't feel it was her fault. She said she was a product of our issues, not the cause of them. She didn't seem to realize that she was the cause of the pain of betrayal.

craig2001 posted 8/5/2014 20:43 PM

I think an OW will give out more details for certain reasons and I think the OM will lie and lie to protect himself.

He will at best minimize everything. He will say no they did not go there or no they did not do that even though your wife already said they were there or they did that.

You could end up much more confused. But the OM might tell you things you never knew. The OM might be scared to death and answer everything. If the OM is married, he might be coerced into talking.

You just never really know until you try. Just realize, you could end up more confused than you are.

jb3199 posted 8/5/2014 21:24 PM

In any case, remember AP feels nothing for you, and doesn't owe you a thing.

I think in the quite literal sense that the AP DOES OWE YOU---being he knowingly came in, and helped destroy your marriage. Actually, he owes you a hell of a lot.

But painfulpast is right---he doesn't care about you. He may or may not give you information. He might even give you incorrect information....depending on the mood that he is in. But what I am pretty sure of, is that he is NOT going to do this out of courtesy. He won't help you based on moral decency. He just doesn't care.

But, if he has an ulterior motive to tell you, then he will. It is simply up to you to decide if it is worth it. If it was me, I would concentrate on moving forward. Your WW isn't committed, so I would be focusing on getting out of this marriage....and infidelity.

Uhtred posted 8/5/2014 22:46 PM

If you have his number call that son of a bitch and tell him he's lucky it's just a phone call because if you could fit your fist through the phone it would be jammed down his throat and he's be shitting teeth for a week.

As you can tell I can't stand the inferior species known as the other man. They are cowards and weasel their way through life and most of the time they get away unscathed. Call him and see what you can get out of him. If you feel you need to know something you're not being told try it out. He may start crying and freeze up but it's worth a shot.

wk55hn posted 8/5/2014 23:49 PM

I don't see any harm in calling him as long as you don't let anything he says bother you. Based on what I know of your story, their relationship was relatively short and superficial, so it's not likely they conspired to tell an "agreed upon" story.

Did the guy know she was married? Must have, right, at some point, even if he didn't know originally, someone must have clued him in?

How is your wife's mindset? Still in the so-called "fog"? If so, do you think she might still be in contact with this guy?

Not.the.Big.Easy posted 8/5/2014 23:58 PM

My wife seems out of the fog concerning MC and coming back. She agreed to NC but not being here I can't verify. Only thing that really bothers me is the blameshifting and justifying that she does if we get into an argument about it. She seems as remorseful as a person can be over the phone.

Thankfully I don't think either of her parents would tolerate her contacting him.

I guess it's like this. When you look at a coin, all you see is one side. My wife has told me some, so I have an idea that there is something on the face, and I can see perfectly well the ridges on the edge. I want to know what the obverse looks like. Somewhere between all three is reality.

cosmicjoke posted 8/6/2014 03:27 AM

You have every right to find out as much as possible to help you have the full truth. (or at least you can say you gave it your best shot). Let the fucker know that's the very least he owes you, after all he damage he's done. And, as you said, tell him how lucky he is you're letting him off with just a call. I think it's important too to make it clear to their foggy little self-absorbed brains that you're a real live human being- not just some vague concept floating around in the ether. Sometimes it jolts them back into reality. And that you are now keeping a firm eye on them. etc etc etc. So many reasons. I say do it now while it's fresh and before you change your mind- or it'll always eat away at you that you didn't.

RawDeal75 posted 8/6/2014 05:15 AM

I for one is all for contacting the OP (and the OP spouse if he/she is willing to talk). You may not know his or her story and what lies they have been fed by your WS (or if what your WS have told you about the OP is true either for that matter), and for me a humble approached worked wonders. I contacted te OP the day after D-day and got way more information and truths way earlier from him than from my WW.

Speculating here but had I been raging and aggressive and accusing I imagine he may have had less sympathy for me and he would have stonewalled me and I would not have gotten the facts I was after.

amanda123 posted 8/6/2014 05:19 AM

Hi N.T.B.E., I can understand you wanting to contact the OM to fill in the gaps that you obviously have. I dont know that it will benefit you if he were to tell you anything, because you are no longer with your partner. You are feeling very hurt right now and this could give you even more pain.
I contacted the OW to see if I could find out about the gaps that I had because my WH would not. She did not tell me anything more than what she had done initially on Dday. She had tried to contact me many times after Dday but I ignored her, then one day out of sheer frustration I thought I would give it a go, but no it was futile. I did send her a photograph of DDs birthday and it showed a very happy family, one that she tried to break up. She sent me a message back and said that it was a beautiful photo and we all looked very happy, I have never heard from her again.
I think you have to think about what you will achieve by speaking to the OM. If it is for closure you may get that, but if its for any other reason you may be worse off, if he decides to tell you anything.

Badhurt posted 8/6/2014 08:47 AM

It makes no sense to me why you want to call this OM.
Why would he even want to talk to you. If something more than you think happened, why would you think he would talk to you like a friend, especially if in the conversation he discovers you and your wife are not living together, which he probably knows because she is probably in contact with him. If he discloses everything, he is less likely to be able to bang her again.
If nothing actually happened more than you think and he tells you that, why would you believe a total stranger who is going to think you are some desperate dummy calling for information to a guy who you suspect banged his wife.
All of the truth MUST come from your wife. She is the one who initiated the call to set up the meeting after the wedding. She is the one who spent unaccounted for hours on the way home. She is the one who told you she might want to D. But you want to look for answers from him.

And by the way, how are you going to feel if he simply tells you to "go fuck yourself". You are going to look weak and pathetic to your wife.

Your wife has to want to R and wants to do all of the things necessary, first of all coming clean on NC, transparency, and commitment to you.

leave the OM out of it. All he wanted to do was get laid, and if that happened it was because of what your wife initiated, not anything he did.

wk55hn posted 8/6/2014 10:18 AM

I guess it's like this. When you look at a coin, all you see is one side. My wife has told me some, so I have an idea that there is something on the face, and I can see perfectly well the ridges on the edge. I want to know what the obverse looks like. Somewhere between all three is reality.

There is a lot of sense to what Badhurt posted, especially about looking weak and losing even more respect from your wife. This loss of respect isn't a "logical" thing, but I have seen it. A lot depends on how you handle it.

I also understand and agree that your wife's perception likely will be different than other man's perception.

By the way, when I was young, way before "wedding crashers" was a movie, I used to love to go to weddings without a date just because all of the young single women were all fogged up. It was a great place to hook up. Plus everybody was all packaged up all nice, especially the women.

Other man met your wife at a wedding. For a lot of women, being the bride is like being the star quarterback in the Super Bowl, they are at their most beautiful and they are the center of attention, the belle of the ball. Your wife was married, but maybe feeling single. You weren't there. Maybe she was fogged up with all that wedding atmosphere. Her perception of this guy is almost definitely going to be very "romanticized," I don't remember if you said he was in the wedding party, but no matter he was looking his best. Meanwhile, this guy was just looking at your wife as a hookup. So she is going to say he really was interested in her and was feeling there was some "possibility" of some type of romantic future with this guy, and he was feeling that maybe he could hook up with this married woman who is coming on to him. In my opinion, that is the most likely situation.

All in all, a lot of people HAVE gotten additional information from contacting other man.

[This message edited by wk55hn at 10:20 AM, August 6th (Wednesday)]

CB217 posted 8/6/2014 11:19 AM

I've been seriously considering contacting the OW, but still not sure I will. My H still works with her, so I would have to hope for answers before they had time to agree to a response, maybe even see if threatening to call HR would get me some answers.

I know I'm not guaranteed anything, but I hate the feeling of the unknowns, plus I want her to know that I know and have the pleasure of clueing her in of what a POS she is.

Not.the.Big.Easy posted 8/6/2014 18:52 PM

Well, I tried calling him. But for some reason he didn't pick up. I tried several times, then I just left a message "Hey John, give me a call when you get this". I don't think he's going to call.

I'm pretty sure I found his Facebook account, and I found out that he has a girlfriend. She looks a lot like my wife. I sent her a message asking if her boyfriend went to a certain persons wedding on June 28th. I can't wait to see if I get any sort of response. I will get some basic information from my wife tonight that will confirm if I have the right guy or not.

Gman1 posted 8/7/2014 08:16 AM

I see no problem with contacting the OM if that is what you want to do. It may go bad or it might actually help. Every situation is a little different and every person is different. I contacted the OM and it really helped me.

Not.the.Big.Easy posted 8/7/2014 17:23 PM

Ok, so the person I found on facebook wasn't him, but I have found out information about him online. I still haven't found a facebook account for him but hey.

He did end up calling 5:30 AM this morning. Before I could get to it the answering machine got it and he hung up. I immediately called back and guess what?! He didn't answer.

He supposedly has an MA in conflict resolution. I don't think he studied very hard.

Delilah169 posted 8/7/2014 17:44 PM

In my case, the OW had been a friend for many years before the A.

In the beginning, starting literally DD when I called her and threatened her life, she and I poison penned each other for months. She hurt me terribly, she was still protecting him, and LOVED having information she knew I wanted, she knew H was lying to me. We basically f**ked you back and forth for months.

Then for whatever reason, she turned on him and told me everything. All the questions I had, the open spaces in my timeline, just puked it all up. Of course she got her little nasty digs in during it all, but I took it, cuz I wanted the information.

I will never regret talking to her. There are so many things I NEVER would have found out if I hadn't. I actually got too much information, that part wasn't so great, but again, for me the end result was worth some of the pain she gave me.

I was already hurting. . .

All that said, many OP's won't give you the time of day, will revel in your pain, lie, manipulate. Some are just evil, some still hold hope they can get your spouse back, some just want to hurt you because they "lost".

I have no advice, just my own experience. In the end, you will decide what's right for you.

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