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How to help BS give a shit about anything

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lovemywife4ever posted 8/5/2014 18:11 PM

This is about anything at all. She has lost her will to do anything because of the cheating and now bed rest. She told me last night she just doesn't give a crap about anything anymore. We had a heated discussion about a kid related thing, where she told me that because I didn't care enough about how this could all affect our kids, she didn't have to give a shit about anything I say anymore. She also said she doesn't need me to take care of her and to get away from her. Is this part of the roller coaster? I'm confused as to whether she is just upset or truly, truly despises me.

caspers1wish posted 8/5/2014 18:21 PM

Isn't your BS pregnant and on bed rest? I was pretty miserable on bed rest, it's really not like what people envision, days idly laying around with our feet up. She's uncomfortable, bored, hurting, and a hormonal mess. It's a scary time, even if this isn't her first pregnancy.

Try not to expect too much of her right now, she's dealing with your cheating and growing an alien in her body. She probably feels pulled in many directions. I wouldn't be pressuring her to feel anything at the moment. Offer her a foot rub or something. Read near her if she doesn't want you all over her. Just be present, be there for her. Be quiet if that's what she wants. She's riding several rides, and none of them are fun.

Ultramarine posted 8/5/2014 18:38 PM

What she said ^^^^
And for me, it is part of the roller coaster. I have days when I don't care anymore, about anything, but especially about WH. It's a defense mechanism...Caring hurts too much and overwhelms at times. Then, there are the angry days and the very deeply sad ones. Just make it to tomorrow.

lovemywife4ever posted 8/7/2014 08:46 AM

Thanks for your help. She is very bored and hormonal. It just seems like she has lost her ability to care about things. She surely won't show me if she does anyhow.

redsox13 posted 8/7/2014 14:24 PM

The top situations that require patience from men:

2. When their wives are pregnant
1. When their wives are pregnant and on bedrest

Seldom is the phrase stiff upper lip more applicable.

Patience. It is not about you.

steppingup posted 8/7/2014 16:05 PM

There is something called, "Emotional Plateau" where you get so tired of being on hard and raw emotions you have to "check out" or you might have a nervous breakdown. I am in that phase now but it is a variety of it, called "The Plain of Lethal Flatness", where by I have to do something nutty to feel emotions and fear. For example just yesterday I was splitting lanes between cars on the highway at 90 MPH on my motorcycle, yes it is something to behold.

Littleleaf posted 8/7/2014 20:48 PM

BS here.
I was pregnant too, when my WH cheated. On Bed rest. Sick as a dog.

Let me tell you, it is completely, totally, horribly

I too, shut down.
Became, very small and concentrated. I had nothing to give to him.

It was survival mode. You have destroyed her, at her most vulnerable time. You have taken away her confidence. Her joy.

You were supposed to be her protector, her steady point.

Patience. And, a thick skin. I wish my WH paid attention to me while pregnant..he could not touch me, talk to me, ruined the pregnancy completely.. I needed him desperately, and hated him at the same time…..crazy ride indeed.

I agree with caspers1wish…..
as well…

good luck. with everything.

determinata posted 8/8/2014 01:25 AM

No stop sign so responding as BS.
Regarding this--

I'm confused as to whether she is just upset or truly, truly despises me.

Why does it matter? What if she truly, truly despises you? How does that change what you need to do for her, for your relationship, for her family? You seem to be suggesting that if she does despise you, you will withhold something and that's a sure fire way to end up divorced. If you want to R, you need to commit fully and without condition that she (or we) make you feel safe in the relationship at this time. Just take care of her, okay?

somethingremorse posted 8/8/2014 02:04 AM

Determinata --

I don't think lmw4ever is saying that if his BW despises him that he is going to give up. I think he's trying to figure out where the pain is coming from so that he can help.

That being said, you are right about the rest. It doesn't much matter why, or if anyone ever reacted like she is now. The only thing that matters is how you treat her.

I do emphatize with you. I remember how much of a wreck BW and I both were when she was on bed rest years ago. And I know how BW hurt after DDay. I cannot imagine combining the two. Remember to take care of yourself too. Hang in there.

Hrtbrken1 posted 8/8/2014 07:54 AM

I too, shut down.
Became, very small and concentrated. I had nothing to give to him.

This really hits the nail on the head. When I hit this point after DDay, I retreated so far inward I felt like I was just this little ball inside a human shell. Looking back, it reminds me of when I was in labor with my first child, sans meds. It was just me, no one else existed around me, because they could distract me. Granted, after DDay that same intense focus snapped into place to keep myself from anymore hurt. It was to protect my mind from losing it. My FWH was patient and kind, and worked his ass off to show me just how much he still cared about us, even if I didn't. I eventually came out of that place, bit by bit. It just takes caring, love and a lot of patience on the WS end. Keep talking to her, and supporting her. This roller coaster takes more strength then you've ever given before.

ScarlettA1 posted 8/8/2014 13:20 PM

Redsox13 has a good point. Your wife is in the most unbelievably difficult situation. She's trapped on bed rest and in a marriage with someone who cheated on her. You're situation if really difficult. Try and be as forgiving as possible right now. I know you're trying to help her and this will be the hardest thing you ever do. Hang in there!

tl502 posted 8/10/2014 11:17 AM

L&D nurse here. I've dealt with alot of pregnant women on bedrest. It's really scary when you're on bedrest. You're afraid for yourself, but mostly, you're deeply afraid for your baby's health and well being. You know there is a possibility of having to deal with having a sick baby.
She doesn't care, because it's all too overwhelming to her.

Go with her to every doctor appt. if she'll let you. If she won't, ask about what the doctor said. Remember, for the dad, the baby becomes a reality when it's born, for the mom, it's a reality from the first body change. She wants you to care about her and your baby and show it even if she can't express it.

Encourage her friends and family to come and visit her. She needs their support. Encourage them to bring her favorite foods as well, she needs to eat healthy.

Keep the housework done. Nothings wears at a woman on bedrest like undone laundry and dishes in the sink. If you can't do this, consider a maid.

If you have other children, make sure they are the best cared for kiddoes in town. The guilt of not caring for your other children drives a person on bedrest crazy. She should be only doing the fun stuff right now with the kids.

Keep your separation from her at an absolute minimum. I know you need support too, but she is absolutely isolated right now and she needs you nearby, even though she may not tell you this.

Most importantly, follow the SI basics, NC with any former aps, full transparency IC for you now and IC and MC with her when possible. Read! Read! Read!

She's going to lash out at you, a wounded animal is the most dangerous. She is a very wounded soul right now. I know your gut reaction to this is to pull away, it's only natural. You need to fight this. It's the only way I know that you can show her that you're there for her, no matter what.

lovemywife4ever posted 8/11/2014 07:30 AM

Thanks. She doesn't want me to go to the dr with her. She isn't even sure she wants me to be present during delivery. She says that I made choices for her, so she'll make them for me. Today on my way to work she called to tell me to not come home. I have no where to go and nothing with me, so I don't know what to do.

DrJekyll posted 8/11/2014 07:48 AM

If she does not want you to go home. You do get to ask why. But also remember, that if she told you this on the way to work. She may have been triggering, or had nightmares. My BS has nightmares sometimes. BS process things when they sleep. The unconscious brings up new things all the time. So I would imagine she had a realization. And is pretty pissed off. But you do have the work day to discuss with her. Be there for her. I wonder if she was referring to don't come home for the Dr. Apt. You need to work harder on your communication. Validate her feelings and take them into yourself.

What are you reading?

lovemywife4ever posted 8/11/2014 07:52 AM

She meant don't come home! I am reading How to help... still (re-reading it) and this site. I bought a few others (After Your Affair and Divorce Busters among them), but am on a 21 day straight with no day off working stretch. In other words, time is non-existent by the time I work, help her, take care of things, and sleep. She also told me that she doesn't think this will ever work and she's only still here because she has to be. She's off work due to bed rest and will return to her job, but financially is kind of needing me now. If she would have known what I did before marriage when we were living together, she wouldn't be in this spot because we wouldn't be together. She is pretty pissed off today and told me not to check on her-she will be just fine. That's what she said.

[This message edited by lovemywife4ever at 7:53 AM, August 11th (Monday)]

lovemywife4ever posted 8/11/2014 07:55 AM

Oh and she said she will give our baby her maiden name. She is finding out what we're having, I don't want to know, but she's finding out anyhow. I got all of that in a five minute phone conversation as I drove to work.

DrJekyll posted 8/11/2014 08:07 AM


she told you to not check in on her. why? what did you miss today? You have to check in anyway. send her a text. she may not answer. but let her know you still care and are thinking about her.

so she doesn't want you to come home. if that is how she feels. that is how she feels. but you need to be there for her during the pregnancy unless somebody else can. for the bed rest aspect. now if she has a sister or something like that that could stay with her. But if there is not somebody else to take care of her. than you need to.

Now the 2x4 Why the hell are you still on the same book? If I remember that was one of her biggest complaints. And you only started reading after she was threatening D. How much sleep are you getting? How much TV do you watch? You can shave time out of those to read. You still do not want to. You still want things to automagically go back while you are still comfortable. You have been too comfortable with "acts of service" and those are great. but that does not "fix the M" You have been neglecting the hard work. trying to make it up to her. guess what, you can't. YOU CAN NEVER MAKE THIS UP TO HER. You can only continue to try and make it up to her for the rest of your life. knowing that you cannot. Let that sink in for a minute. But if you do not go head long into healing. you and the M are doomed no matter what.

lovemywife4ever posted 8/11/2014 08:24 AM

I barely sleep because of working ten hours a day, seven days a week right now. When I get home, it's help with house since she's on bed rest, shuffle kids to whatever they need to be at, cleaning (she does get up to make dinner because she wants to and the kids have assigned chores to help), mowing lawn, paying bills, whatever... I get to bed at 11 at night or so and get up at 4 in the morning. I don't know if I can shave any time off of sleep when I am exhausted to begin with.

DrJekyll posted 8/11/2014 08:35 AM

How about audio books? maybe you can listen while you drive, work, etc. You have to FIND A WAY.

when you shuffle the kids. do you sit at practice or whatever you are shuffling them to? take your book with you.

lovemywife4ever posted 8/11/2014 08:45 AM

Honestly I never thought of audio books. I can see about those. My issue is I car pool with another guy to cut costs on gas sometimes and would rather he not know what is going on. We need to cut costs big time right now with her out on leave. Work is 30 miles away for me, so it helps to car pool. I usually don't stay for practices as we have seven kids between us and most are in "things" and it's drive to one, drive to another, pick up one, etc... . I think honestly it's hitting me how much she actually does and did because it's falling to me now. I don't know what to do. Any help or ideas is appreciated. My family are assholes and we don't speak Foo issues big time there. They can't help. Her parents are in their 70s and do help here and there, but their health is not great. She has a friend she helped on bed rest that is returning the favor and stopping in to hang out, vacuum, and bring a casserole a couple times a week. She did the same for her a few years ago. Other friends she is near and dear to are 40 plus miles away, but stop when they can.

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